these are my confessions...|can you read my mind?

~i'm 30, unemployed, six days post-hysterectomy, in menopause, barely without cancer and terrified.

~i really, really like him. he's amazing and i wish that i wasn't struggling with this menopause/hormone patch/hormone replacement therapy. it's hard for me to even try to maintain, and i feel bad when i snap at people but especially him. i wish that i had even a little bit of normalcy.

~i hate bedrest and am really scared that i'm going to gain a lot of weight, which is the most weird thing for me to worry about.

~i went through a really internal and self-focused phase before my surgery - i was sick and sick of being sick and scared and i was selfish. some people are selfish for forever, and i'm a good person, so i think that it's okay that i went through this phase b/c it was part of dealing.
but - i accidentally pissed someone off on here. that was one of my favorite people. my head was just in a different space. i called to apologize and got treated like it was unthinkable that i be forgiven for angering her. so i gave it some time and space. recently, i sent her an inbox telling her that i miss her, and that i'm sorry that my selfish phase crossed her during that interaction and that i hope that she can forgive me. she didn't even acknowledge this inbox, which has made me more sad today then i'm sure i know how to process. i feel like i should at least be acknowledged, even if it's fuck you i'm not forgiving you.

so - i confess that i went through a selfish phase when i was exhausted and terrified. and so i beg forgiveness to everyone that my inability to handle adequately what was happening affected, and i hope that anyone i upset in any way, or do upset as i adjust to my permanent menopause and hormone replacement, will forgive me.

~i ordered a cheeseburger.

something is the matta' with me. well, lots of things, i guess. but one that's perplexing me. i keep getting my feelings hurt by this one person, who never treated me with fragility even though i told him i was fragile, who was never tender even though i told him that his roughness was breaking me. and i tried to leave it, to just walk away because i couldn't take it. and he wanted to still be friends and i told him what it would take to be my friend. but he just kept being what hurt me.

so i quit it. and so i keep being surprised every time he does something that totally matches all of the other things he did...that negates me and my feelings. that shows that he little to nothing of me. and it's so fucking frustrating and annoying, to be such a nice person to the people in your life that you care about and get that in return. and i'm tired of being hurt and angered by it.

i wish that i could not be bothered, that i could learn to just accept it when it happens, shelve it and walk away. why does it hurt when someone will tell you that they love you and then treat you like shit? why can't it just be - oh, okay. meh.

anyway, i'm not sure about this dose of hormone replacement. i'm really short and spazzy today. and i was short with my dude, even though i didn't want to be. it just comes out, but it's worse now than it was...my brain is still freaking out about my body's lack of sex organs.

i just want to be held. i'm like Brit Brit, what that guy said about her. if i'm in his arms, then i'm ok right then. i feel like my body and brain can relax and things will be ok. like i'm not going to not be able to get up and go to the bathroom, or like the pain isn't this nagging thing that is dragging me down. but i don't want to be needy so i hold myself back and don't just say, 'will you please just be here and hold me?'

nothing is ever easy all of the time, but i wish that i could have some ease. just a little bit of ease. some occasional ease.
i'm tired of the struggle and the pain. i'm ready for the life i've always wanted.

i hope i didn't hurt it. now i'm crying. i got prollems.

The Church of the Whale Penis

wow.

bedrest and narcotics and awesome friends = finds like The Church of the Whale Penis

http://whalepenis.org/


wow wow wow wow wow

i can't sleep - eff being post op

everything hurts.
my eyes are grainy.
i'm cold but i'm having hot flashes *the cold isn't just me, everyone in the state is cold. maybe everyone in the world today.*

comedy central is on. after the office season one. after an inconvenient truth. which i already read.

ugh. i'm just so fucking over this and it has barely started.

i'm not whining to the people who are here to help me. i mean, it's hard enough for them to watch me struggle to catch my breath. they shouldn't have to listen to me whine.

but damn. owwwww. ouch. grrrrrrr. buzkafnnaf.

i'm full of almost twenty pounds of stuff that they put in you btw.

ugh.

i had my surgery and i'm at home. i'm in a lot of pain. like more than i can ever even have imagined. which i guess i can't not expect after everything that was done to me.

anyway, it's always the people that you don't expect - and the surprises come from where you think that there is understanding. i can't deal with the bullshit now, i just can't. i'm so tired, but i have to admit to you that there are people who are shocking me with their behavior.

and i got a call from someone that i used to plan my future with. i dated him almost 8 years ago - we started dating when i was pregnant with someone else's baby and planning his adoption. we dated for years, planned our engagement, and ended up badly. we then recovered, picked up a friendship and lost each other again. and then he called me in the hospital.

he is married now. sober for almost two years. living the life we used to talk about when we were fucked up and hoping for something normal - maybe hoping that we could bring the normalcy out in each other.

we talked about meditation, and sobriety, and therapy and yoga. we talked about life now, barely touching on life then. but it was hard to wrap the conversation. it was weird, especially since i was so drugged. maybe b/c i was so drugged. i don't know.
but, it's interesting that he still knows about me. uses the avenues to stay aware. remembers info when he gets it. and called. i was surprised, to say the least. but it was a good conversation.

in other news, my ex-boss the lunatic emailed to ask how i was. the email said how are you????? how are you???? good to see that some communication skills never change.

i'm trying to distract myself from how much pain i'm in. its horrid. seriously. but i took some pics - i weigh 16 pounds more than i did 48 hours ago.
and i've eaten nothing and had organs removed. wow.

meh.

better living through chemistry.

so, i spent five hours at the hospital yesterday doing all of my pre-op stuff.
the man i'm dating offered to take a long lunch and come from the valley and take me there, but i couldn't let him do that since i made him late for work, so i walked it mostly.

anyway, i was there a long time. and i had to pay one thousand dollars for my surgery, which put me over broke. and they kept doing all of these invasive things.

and he kept checking in on me. and we had plans to have date night tonight. since we started hanging out, we haven't really gotten to have an official 'date'. we've gone and done lots of things, but we've done them with other friends b/c i've had so much going on to get ready for my surgery.

anyway, i found out that i don't get to leave my house after five until my surgery tomorrow. so i regretfully let him know, as i was upset and he was checking in on me, that i couldn't have our date night tonight. and his immediate answer? 'okay, so are you available tonight? i just want to take you out and have a good time with you.'

and so...i was just getting out of the shower and getting dressed when he got here, so he chatted with my roommate (who likes him, just like all my friends who have met him - people out of state ask after him!)...anyway, i came out of my room in my short pleated skirt and my cashmere tank top with my wrap on, and looked up - and he was dressed up. slacks, buttondown tucked in, blazer, nice shoes. and when i said, 'oh my god, you look so nice, you look so good!!', he said, 'i don't look half as good as you, that skirt and those legs are going to make it hard for me to be the gentleman i am, but of course i dressed up, i have a date with you.'

he had a handkerchief in his pocket for me. he took my hand when we got in the car and looked at me and said, 'i know that you've had a stressful day and that you're scared of your surgery and you're stressed out, and i want you to have a good time and be okay, but i also want you to know that if you're not okay, that's okay too. be what you are and i'm going to be here for you.'

and it was so nice. he dressed up for me! and complimented me all night - my outfit, my legs, how smart i am and how fun it is to date a girl that he doesn't have to dumb down for, how beautiful i am, how soft my skin is...he's just so complimentary and amazing and exactly what i need right now.

and then, during that silly movie *Ghost Rider*, he pulled me into his space and said into my ear, 'you are the sexiest woman that i have ever known, and i am lucky that you find me attractive and let me into your space.'

and i melted. because he's everything that i have asked the universe for, and he spends his time telling me how amazing i am. he and i have exactly the same temperment when it comes to relationships - we just want to hang out and be nice to each other and enjoy each other. we have the same sex drive (and he loves eating me out!!!! he tells me how wonderful i taste and smell, and sends me text messages telling me that he can still smell me on his lips!). we read the same books. we both do accounting. he's incredibly over-protective of me, which i enjoy no matter how independant i have been.

i enjoy being taken care of...i have needed and wanted so badly a space to be vulnerable and he allows me that without making me feel guilty about it, because he doesn't make me ask. he looks at me and my situation and thinks about how he would want someone to treat his sisters or his mother, whom he has taken care of when his father died, and he treats me that way.

he treats me respectfully and affectionately and attentively and with love. and when i snap, he teases me about my moodiness and tells me how sorry he is that my body has had to endure this, and then he pulls me into his lap and kiss me and strokes me and plays in my hair until i cry it out and let it go and then we are good again.

he tells me how he has been reading the chronicle of my life/disease that i have posted for a long time now and how he has wanted to meet me so badly...how he has admired my humor and my strength and my courage and my candor and how he has admired me so much.

and it is amazing...to have this in my life. i know thati am typing on and on about it, but i am falling for him. i am really falling for him. and this morning he said to me - i'm going to take a long lunch and come see you during the day, because i know that you're going to have a rough day with tomorrow being what it is and i want to be here for you. and i said, i can't ask you to do that. and his response?? - 'first, you didn't ask me. and secondly, baby yes you can ask me. we've only known each other for a short amount of time but i feel so intensely for you and i'm your man and you can ask things of me. that's what i'm here for. i'm your man.'

i am lucky, that at this point in my life i would have all of the things that have come to me and i feel so blessed.

i am scared about my surgery tomorrow but i know that i'm going to wake up and i'm going to live to see where my life takes me. i'm not looking forward to the weeks of soreness, but all will be well eventually.

cunt cunt cunt i'ma cunt

someone that i loved called me a cunt yesterday.

i was just filling out my will and i thought about that. and then i started crying. and i don't know if i was crying b/c i was legalizing my will or because someone i thought i loved called me a cunt or because maybe i really did love him and it was just wasting love.

i did my medical power of attorney. i did my living will. i did my will. i did my disability paperwork.

now i'm off to move all of my money into the bank account that my sister can access and then have my pre-op stuff done.

it's go time.

:(

surgery details and what not, etc

i spoke to my surgeon today and confirmed the details. he is getting the robot that he wanted from D.C. and so now my surgery is the 21st at 8 a.m. - the first and only case of the day. and it's going to be a teaching case, meaning that the class will be there learning. wheeeeee. so yeah, i'm nervous. about the surgery. and the change. and the life afterward. all of the unknown. just a little scared.

so the man left town today. he's so beautiful and sweet. i drove him to the airport b/c we wanted to spend some time together before he left town. he left me his button down that he worked in all day and it smells like him and i have kept it near me, loving absorbing the scent of someone so incredibly nice and loving to me.

we talked about my hysterectomy. or, i talked about it. telling him that i know that he's only known be for about five minutes, and that even though he keeps telling me how shocked he is at the intensity of his feelings for me already, that i do not expect him to wait for me after my surgery. that it will be hard to enjoy or get to know someone who is going through what i will be, trapped in bed, drugged, and incapable of having sex. how can i aske that of someone? or even hope for it - because there is no way that i would ask for it.

and he took my hand and kissed it and told me how special i am.

i know that it's so prelim, so early, so many reasons that i shouldn't ever say this out loud or 'type it out loud', but man oh man i really really really like him. he's everything that i was telling the universe that i deserved and wanted and ached for.

he is special to me and for me. i don't know how long his role in my life is according to the universe's plan, but i am going to enjoy every minute of it!!!

love without penetration

after i have my hysterectomy, i can't have sex for at least six weeks. is it wrong to have fallen for someone right now?

i don't think it's wrong, per se. i mean, clearly the universe brought him into my life for a reason. although i think it may be getting my hopes up incredibly to think that someone that i have known for four minutes will think that this is any kind of a rational or sane idea.

me: hello.
him: hello.
us: have three dates.
me: have hysterectomy.
me: will you wait at least six weeks to have sex and come visit me while i'm on bedrest after a major surgery which puts me into menopause at thirty as i adjust to hormone replacement therapy and just want to watch movies?
him: crazy look crazy time crazy run away

exactly.

*sigh*

i mean, we have this insane connection that at any other point in my life would have terrified me. but, i have been meditating and praying and communicating with the universe and i am more at peace and general well accord than i have been, and i feel like he's supposed to be here. he's just a natural fit into me - into my whole life.

there hasn't been any newness weirdness awkwardness strangeness that most new person interaction brings. when he is with me, i feel like i have known him for my entire life and maybe before. lol - that sounds weird. but it feels past life(ish) to me. there is a comfort that is comforting, even though *he* is new. which maybe doesn't make any sense, but which makes perfect sense after talking to my psychic about it.

anyway, it feels good, and it makes me feel good. and so i'm not questioning it. or over thinking it. i'm just thanking the universe for it. but at the same time, i'm not being assumptive about it. i'm taking one moment at a time. one second, one breath at a time. which i have learned to do with these chemicals and pills and whatever else anyway.

so yeah, it's been a really great and happytime week. and even though i barely know this new person in my life i know him and i've got room in my heart for love for him - which sounds weird but he brings me comfort and stillness and i really don't know how to describe it but he pulls me onto his lap and strokes my hair and whispers into my ear and i feel a calmness that i haven't felt in a long time. and then he does other things to my body that cause me to shiver and twitch and laugh uncontrollably and cry and beg and sigh and then he scoops me back up again.

so - i long ago typed (coined?) the phrase Love Without Penetration and i have loved it since. b/c to me, one doesn't have to do with the other. sex and love are completely separate. although if you can find the person that you can combine them with, it is fantastic. anyway, can a new friendship plus survive what i personally am being forced to survive?

we'll see. let's hope. i cross my fingers now.

you're a hard woman to leave...

thirty has been the best birthday to date. fantastic! i had a great party that was so much more than a birthday party - it was a celebration of my life, of beating a disease, of getting to get a group of my friends together for a great night before i have a life threatening surgery after a year of life threatening bs and then spend six weeks in bed.

it was great. so lovely...i got to see so many people that i love. everyone got all dressed up. we laughed. we took pictures. they bought me presents off of my wish list (thank you my lovelies!).

and, i met a man. who told me that i was beautiful and that my dress looked amazing on me and that my hair smelled wonderful. who insisted on driving me home instead of me taking a cab. who, at the end of the night while i was wrapping up and sayiing goodbye, gathered my coat and pashmina and all of my gifts and when i came to get it, held my coat open for me and wrapped me up. who opened my doors for me and carried my packages out for me. who told me that he found me amazing and would like to see me again.

and so we talked again and i got curious. we have a lot in common. we both work with numbers and money. his degree is in finance. he wears a suit to work (hot). he's incredibly complimentary and he likes me and i find myself drawn to him.

so, we talk some more. my friend and i have plans to go and hang out. i ask my friend if he minds if i bring someone else and he doesn't, so i invite him to go to the Getty museum with my friend and i - there's a photography exhibit that i want to see. i expect him to say no because i'm used to being told no, especially if it involves my friends. but he says yes. and we're chatting non-stop...just like me, he reads a lot, he likes politics and movies and philosophy. we had a lot to talk about. and we had a lot of chemistry.

and we got to the museum. and we all went different directions, looking at the art, and then he just came up and took my hand and told me how beautiful i was and how irresistible and how he couldn't resist touching me. and when he took my hand, i got so smiley and tingley. it is what i have been craving and asking for and wanting. to be appreciated and desired and shown attention and affection. and the chemistry. and we smiled at each other and then separated and went to look at the pictures.

and then later, he came up behind me and pulled my hair back and kissed me on the back of my neck and said in my ear 'oh my god, you smell fucking unbelievable, i just want to touch you, you're so soft.' and i knew then that this was exactly what i have wanted all of this time. that i haven't been able to put it into words, but that this was it. that i haven't needed someone to be attached to me like an appendage, but someone who appreciates the womanly aspects of me and appreciates them intermittently, whenever the urge strikes them...whether at the museum or a restaurant or wherever. and i knew that this man is the kind of man that i have wanted, that i've been wanting.

that it's just a matter of finding the kind of man and that man being attracted to you. and he is very attracted to me. so anyway - the museum. and we saw the last king of scotland. and he held me during the movie, stroking my hair and turning to kiss my forehead and nose - which he loves, lol, he loves my nose and my jawline and my neck.

and then we came back to my sofa. and he pulled me into his lap and buried his head in my hair and told me how amazing i smell, how much he loves my smell, and how soft i am - how much he has wanted to touch me and how now that he has touched me i am even softer than he imagined and he hopes that i am comfortable with him touching me a lot because he wants to touch whenever he is near me. he told me that i am beautiful and so incredibly smart and funny and that i am the coolest woman that he has ever met and that he is incredibly fond of me...he likes me so much.

and oh my god. oh my god. how amazing it is...to hear these things. i cried in his lap, to hear these things, to be in the arms of someone attractive and intelligent and articulate and witty and fun and willing to meet my friends and go places and who wants to touch me and who wants to touch me in front of people who is telling me all of the things that i have been aching to hear, touching all of the places that i have been aching to have touched, tickling all of the places that i have been aching to have tickled - without me saying a word.

and then - and this is the part where i laughed with delight at the differences that i am experiencing - when it was time for him to leave, he stood at my door and said to me, 'you are a hard woman to leave.' wow.
wow wow wow

me. lol. who is used to, this past year, someone acting as if i'm a hard woman to touch.

he did things that haven't been done to me in an incredibly long time in ways that i still feel like were a dream sequence and that made me cry with pleasure and then he wrapped his arms around me and put his lips on my neck and laid with me until i was sleepy.

i feel as if i am being incredibly blessed by the universe right now. the job is gone and i'm relaxing before my surgery, meditating and clearing my head. i've been enjoying the company of my friends. i got great gifts for my shower/birthday. i've done great things the past few days. the spa was wonderful. and now this on top of all it. i am, in this moment, incredibly happy.

the universe keeps telling me...

live the now. let it be what it is. if there's no love, don't beg for it. if there is love, accept it. take what you are offered. walk away when there is nothing.

but i'm so fucking stubborn. i really don't understand what the fuck my problem is. i want to win? i want to prove something? to myself? to the world? to the universe? i really don't know.

anyway, tonight was my Farewell My Uterus | Hello Dirty Thirty party. it was great. there are really great pics that i will have up tomorrow. to the people who came to celebrate everything that this night was a celebration of with me...thank you so much. to those of you who traveled far to do so, more than words.

it was wonderful and flew by. thanks for indulging with me, for singing to me, and for spoiling me by getting me the gifts on my wish list (and to you who wrote the farewell card to my uterus - so clever and awesome and I really am going to have them burn it with my uterus. awesome!!!)

so, tomorrow we're going to the Getty. :) it's so great to have people in from out of town! then Sunday, my friend is taking me to Olympic spa for my birthday!!!! they send you to the showers, then you are naked in front of everyone else and they put you in all of these different hot tubs and saunas, and then they put you on this massage table and exfoliate your entire body, dump buckets of warm water on you, give you a full body massage, wash your hair, do a wrap on your body, wash and massage your face, dump the buckets on you again, scrup your body down with salt, then you shower and hot tub again, then you get reflexology. it is amazing. and that is my birthday present from her!!! wow!! then we're all going to see a movie together :)

then monday we're thinking about a day trip to vegas but not sure. then tuesday morning everyone leaves, including my roommate, and i'm all alone to prepare for my surgery and stuff.

get back to life. process everything that has happened,

all in all, except for a couple of things that i can't change, today was a good day and tonight was a great night. there is something that i asked the universe for that i got and now i'm not sure if i was ready. now i have to deal with accepting it. now i have to deal with knowing that i am worth it.

i am worth what i want.

today, i...

got into a fistfight with a man in his forties on the bus, because i was trying to let the old women onto the bus first. the bus was almost an hour late, it was in the high eighties, i was holding the line to let the elderly women on first and he called me a bitch and told me to do my 'cunt bitch good samaritan work on someone else's time'. and then i looked at his face when my tears came, and the look of satisfaction that said that he had beat every woman he had ever fucked, and that my tears made him happy, and that he won, something in my snapped, and i just went fucking crazy and snapped on him and started fucking hitting him. i won.

saw my cousin whom i haven't seen in eight years. he's older than me and always used to pick on me and called me, drunk, not too long ago and went into a tirade about how i always fuck black people, so at first i was nervous. but we had a really good conversation and he talked to me about his drinking problem. our family and their cult really fucked us up. :(

finalized something that broke my heart. really sad. :(

was given an article in the science section by my boss. i like being that girl...that is given an article from the science section from her boss. and then we got most of the office engaged in dialogue about it...i explained it to them and broke it down and told them what it meant on a basic level. it was awesome.

got a hug. my last one with that smell?

i'm so frickin perplexed and stressed. i want so much more.

:(

i run with scissors too

the thing that i love so much about my computer is that even though i'm in bed is that i can continue to live. i can shop and talk (type) to my friends. i can read about my medicines and my symptoms and plan out my recovery and look for the color that i want to paint my room, i can 'live', even though i'm not allowed out of bed.

my neuro sent me to the hospital today. i'm feeling somewhat better. yay! i'm going back to work tomorrow. i only have two weeks of work left before the surgery. it's finally creeping up quickly.

wow. soon, i will be on the other side of a hysterectomy. unbelievable.

i've lost so much weight. one of my girlfriends the other day made a comment about how tiny and fragile i look now, how i seem to barely be, and how she was going through pictures from when i was in the Roots Okay Players Ladies Month - i think i was Miss July, and how i don't even look like the same person any more. and it's true. i was so thick then...and the reason anyone even noticed me at all is because the boys noticed how thick my hips and thighs were, 'especially for a white girl', and so i didn't get treated like a newbie at all. lol.

and that may seem laughable, but i was uber sick, it's when i first got so sick the first time, and i was on bed rest for six months, and had to mov back in with my family b/c the hospital wouldn't release me to anyone except for them b/c i lived alone. so, my aunt and uncle drove from texas, like a 13 or 14 hour drive, and picked me up, and in one and a half days i had to give everything away and sale everything and be out. and then be on bedrest trapped in a house with my intensely psycho-religious family. so that message board provided me with outside contact and friends, people to interact with.

lol. i've chosen winners for my snail mail contest. it was awesome and one my 'gooder' ideas!!

i hope that all is well with you, my readers. i finally have a lessening in my head pain and i'm relieved.

:)

the poem

my friend, the author and playwright, he comforts me. his love and his messages and such, they comfort me. the thing is, he's backwards, he has it backwards, in his book and in other places, he thanks me for inspiring him and his words. he says that i am an inspiration. but really, i'm just a girl with a disease who is willing to share my struggle. that only makes me special because he cares.

anyway - he wrote me a poem, the most amazing poem, that i read every day and that i love so much and that makes me cry - in the book, he wrote poems inpired by me or poems on topics that i gave him, but this poem...this poem is about me. this poem is...special.

this is my poem:

once upon a time
there was a girl
who was so good at life
the gods got a little jealous.
she gets it
they'd say.
understands the value of
beauty and brains
the value of food and music
bacon and hip-hop
the value of sex and love
and drugs and sobriety
she understands the value
of it all and of balance
and of not taking any of it
too seriously or too lightly.

this level of understanding
of getting it
was all too much for these proud gods to take.
and so
they rained plagues
stormed hardship against her brow
employed dragons, parasites, demons
hired ninjas -ninjas, man!
worked the girl
day through night
attempting to crack her indomitable spirit

she cried
gnashed teeth
suffered loss
massive, unreplenishable loss
was beat to her knees
to her chest
to her soul

but she got up.
looked at the gods.
forgave them.
and smiled.

and we, watching helpless, cried joyful,
and we, finally,
understood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amazing.

sometimes i feel like i am floating.
and unmoored.

and no one gets it, or me at all.

like i am all alone because no one even wants to try to understand what it is like to feel this way so much.

but i am not alone. there are people that care. there are people that care enough to try to give it their own words, their own expression, their own artistic viewpoint to show me beauty, there are people who have been sending me package after package so that i come home to something lovely almost every day so that i am focusing on that instead of my looming surgery.

there are people who care enough to come from different cities to hang out with me and bring me juice and call me every day to see how i am and not be offended when i don't anwer.

i am not alone in the world.

today, my boss told me that i look like walking death

that is what i look like with a migraine. today, i was in hour 33 of a migraine when he said that. i am now in hour 41 of the migraine. i have taken five doses of the medicine, given myself a shot, taken the narcotics, had body work done. nothing is staving it.

according to my neurologist, it has reached my central nervous system and will last four days. it hurts so bad that my speech is slurred and my eyes are twitching.

i did not get out of bed until 7 p.m. yesterday. i went back to bed at midnight, after giving myself a shot of anti-inflammatories, a shot of narcotics and taking a sleeping pill. i woke up at 6.30, feeling like someone was hammering spikes into my brain.

i emailed my boss that if i came it at all, it wouldn't be until noonish, i then took another handful of pills and went back to sleep. i got to work at 12.36, looking as lovely as i described.

and my boss said - 'whoa, you look like the walking dead.'

they were compassionate, don't get me wrong. she suffers migraines, they got me the best neurologist in the country, and he is always researching the new info for migraine sufferers and passing it along to both of us, utilizing the doctors on the board of his non-profit any time that new info is presented that we don't understand.

seriously, he calls me upstairs and we conference call chiefs of staff of huge name hospitals so that i can ask them questions about articles in medical/science magazine regarding migraines and treatment.

but yeah, i don't look so hot. and he's not so suave with the words.

i actually ate half a cheeseburger, b/c they forced me too, probably the most solid food i've eaten in any one sitting in forever.

rob's coming next week, i'm excited. he's currently picking out our seats for the roots concert (thanks yo, for knowing that my head just hurts too bad to fuck with it). so, it's going to be a weekend full of love - my birthday party on friday night, which i've got friends willing to fly in for!, the roots concert on saturday, the superbowl on sunday, and then i think we're going to take a road trip to vegas on monday! yay!

so the girl i liked the best in the office just resigned.

blech blfaiodioagnvnl;nrfhatioh;ragnlanlnflhrhieahriahdnfan;.

my fucking head hurts and i want a hug but i got nobody to hug me.

:(

my heart is hurting

my heart is hurting and it matches my physical self. now everything is hurting.

i spent, before 7.40 pm tonight, approximately 18 hours in bed due to one of the worst migraines in the history of my hormonal migraines. so miserable. vomiting. sleeping. crying. crying. vomiting.

my immune system, my poor immune system. i feel that i have reached the crescendo of the test. ever since the last, unplanned, treatment, i've been continually hurting/aching/sick. it takes five to seven days for the full shit storm to begin. so, my treatment was fifteen days ago. in the last ten days, i have had the flu, three migraines, strep, mono, and my liver levels have gone through the roof. in ten days.

my joints ache. every part of my body hurts. seriously. i wake up and cry because i have to get up and start my day. i cry myself to sleep because i only want someone to hold me and hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, because i am scared. i have never been exactly here before and i am so scared.

in less than 3 weeks, i am going to have a hysterectomy. i get to stop chemo. i'm going to go to sleep and while i'm sleeping, my #1 ranked surgeon in the country is going to, with the help of robots, perform a radical hysterectomy and abdominal reconstruction.

then i'm going to wake up and every thing that has been a fact but something that could be rectified by medical science is going to be set in stone - i will never be able to have a baby. i will be in menopause for the rest of my life. i wil be on hormone replacemet therapy...wearing an estrogen patch. At 30. The most important risks are a great risk for cervical and colon cancer, so i must be checked for those every 3 months, as I can never stop wearing the patch. hahahahahahaha. How ludicrous it all sounds.

Then - the best part - this is the best of the options, this is the life saving measure. This is what will improve my quality of life and turn it around. This is my happy choice.

so, the closer it gets, the more i get scared. i know that i shouldn't becaise i'm grown. but i am afraid.

true affection

it doesn't take forever for someone to decide that you're worthy of affection. or some of their special time. or energy. or money. or whatever it is that they deem as what they give to someone special in their life. or what you're looking for from someone that makes you feel special. or what you need when you're down. or troubled. or hurting.

i've been troubled. and down. and hurting. and needing true affection. gentleness. softness. hugs and tenderness and something that represents physically an acknowledgement of my pain and a feeling of 'i know that i can't carry this for you, and that i can't carry you through it, but i can hold you here right now'.

i've been needing that. and if that makes me needy, well then, after nine months of chemotherapeutic treatments and hormone suppression and chemically induced menopause and anti-seizure medication that affects cerebral function when i don't have seizures and androgen suppressant and anti-anxiety and anti this and that and all of the rest - i will be needy if that is what wanting some physical attention in the weeks before the removal of my reproductive organs makes me.

so, for a while there i still cared about labels. i cared that certain people knew that i am drawn to women as well. there are certain people that i didn't want to know still. now, this day, i do not give a fuck. i met this girl - this woman. we have been emailing and talking on the phone. and because it is necessary when bringing anyone into my life right now, she knows my story, the full thing. and so she comes over last night and while we are talking...she is asking me questions because she wants to know, she's curious about me and cares about the answers, something that hasn't happened in my dating in months, and while we are talking she tells me that since she has heard the biggest part of my story she has just wanted to give me a hug and asks me if she can give me a hug.

instantaneously, she tapped in to what it is that i need and want right now. the touch. the compassion. she told me how amazing i am, and how inspiring. after a while, she said that i have been sick for a while and asked me if my body ached. she cared if my body ached!!!??!!!! i said that i have reached the place of always pain. and she offered to give me a full body massage!!!!!

touch. soft gentle touch all over my entire body?? do you know how long i have craved this, wanted this, begged for this??? softness and gentleness and touch all over my body. and so i showered and laid naked in my bed and she crawled up on me and proceeded to give me a full body massage. and as she did, as she lotioned and touched me, she told me such nice/awesome things about the parts of my body that she was touching...she told me how much she liked my thighs and ass, how much she liked my shape, how much she liked that my waist came in like that...she played with my nipple rings and rubbed my hands. she extra rubbed my shoulders and my back.

and then...oh my god there's an and then...and then, she laid beside me and held me and stroked me and kissed my forehead and my nose and just kept telling me how pretty and inspiring and strong and all of these tings that i am, and then she put her head between my legs and brought me to this place where my teeth were chattering. i mean,, oral has happened to me once or twice in the past year and a half. i've been dreaming about it. and she just did it. with no expectation of reciprocation. she just wanted to make me feel good. but she was sincere. she really thinks taht i'm beauiful. and that i deserved her time and affection and attention. and it was awesome.

wow.

and then i have a date with P on sunday. he's a black guy from London whose best friend had hysterectomy last year around the holdiays and who understands what am going through and thinks that i just need to get out and be me distraccted and not me sitting in the house thinking about the surgery. he thinks that i am hot - lol, he used those words 'you are absolutely hot', which shocked e b/c i have never been referred to as that!! but he is attractive and well educated and nice to me, very complimentatryl we'll see.

heartburn from saffron rice?