i'm not a psycho i just cry a lot

New hormone replacement patch day one. it keeps being day one again. day one sucks. jeezus.

fuck fuck fuck.

i got mail from social security today. at least i showered. and had a very, very short walk.

the things that are weighing on my mind are very heavy.

which sucks, behind my head hurts so badly.
this migraine...it won't stop.

or even abate a little.

throb throb throb.

patch = eat all day. cry. crave. but today's headache / hunger / craving / all of it / has included vomiting since 3 a.m. as well.

i know that i will adjust. need to adjust. i think maybe this is a virus or food borne illness on top of it and maybe just bad timing, but it has made the hot flashes and stomach/digestive things far worse.

i cannot focus. i am hurting incessantly. what the fock?

depression is a hell of a thing to battle.

:(

it's decision time again

one thing - i've said this before, my standards have been, at best, undemanding.

i'm still here, but what if i weren't? where would any of the rest of anything be, that falls in relation to me?

i feel like a lot of the love in my life, a lot of the love that i have learned, depends on geography.

i feel like, for too long, i've given too much of myself to people...even the people who matter a lot, matter the most. like i forgot to remember that I matter THE most!!

when i say i've given too much of myself, i mean i've been too complacent, forgiven too much, accepted too much, not been willing to stand up for myself even on the small things because i've been so unwilling to have confrontation.

i don't want to do that anymore. i'm not sure exactly what my future holds, but i know that one aspect of it is me evolving into a woman with a stronger sense of self. which is different than being a strong woman.

i'm not sure how to feel about some things...

except to know this: i can only be responsible for me. i can only ask others to be responsible for themselves and hope that that responsibility reflects one that mirrors my own, therefore their presence in my life doesn't hurt me. not everyone is like me - not everyone wants to be featured in my blog just because they are part of my life but that doesn't mean that they don't love me, and it doesn't mean that the people who are willing to jump into the public forums of expression are necessarily any *more* better suited for me or love me more or better.

we, or i, try to quantify things that don't necessarily always need to be quantified.

i don't even know what all of my thoughts are about, i just know that my brain is full. it's decision time again.

PICTURES: MRI Porn (Possibly NSFW)

Dutch researchers recruited several couples (including a pair of street acrobats) to have sex in an MRI. They produced highly detailed pictures of human anatomy during coitus, and found that Da Vinci's early illustrations of coitus in cross-section made some critical mistakes.



read more | digg story

you don't have to shovel sunshine.

today i...

...saw my pain management team & neurosurgeon. i had a panic attack there. my blood pressure was too high. the voices/conversation/people in the waiting room were too much.

...had my final dental surgery & scheduled my free 1 hour Zoom! whitening (as seen on Extreme Makeover - Personal Dental on Wilshire ladies & gentlemen!!!)

...made friends with two men from Europe, here for a month and staying at a hostel, who let me take their photos on the bus.

...found out that one of my photos won a photog contest!!!!! i will be inducted into some guild. lmao, but still, how effing awesome!!!!!

...got a free 2.5 hour reading and 1 hour body work session from my psychic. and now my friend. who told me many things. but told me something about someone in my past that was interesting.

...took a walk. took some photos. had some pain. fought the truth.

a- out.

Mad Windy.

today, it was Mad Windy on my walk in the canyon with mr. blue. after the rain.

and i thought to myself, it's Mad Windy. and when i did, i smiled.
and i watched this whole sequence of events that weren't happening happen in my head.

i saw myself tease a gay man (i wish i could remember his name, but i know that he has a YACHT at a MARINA & DOGS & A MILLION DOLLAR CONDO & RICH PARENTS).
i saw myself swim and float and play with this little girl. i can't remember her name either, damn.
i saw myself play volleyball with a beach ball and say Mad Windy Mad Windy Mad Windy and probably be Hella Annoying but i giggled and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
i saw myself in the corner of the pool as the sun went down. the hot of my tears against the cold of everything else.
i saw myself get dressed in the green halter dress and sit there and laugh and pose for pictures...still some of my favorite of me from that time period.
i saw myself order and eat appeteasers and be covered, hand to elbow, in wing sauce - also some pretty funny stories.
i saw myself record the ring tone.
i saw myself laugh everytime that it rang...Mad Windy Mad Windy Mad Windy...my phone would scream it out, and that day would flash while my phone rang, and i would laugh, and people would look at me like i was insane because my phone was yelling Mad Windy over and over again, but those words meant something bigger than just the moments than they were happening.

and i'm in the canyon, with the winds whipping me every which way, and a monstrosity of a dog dragging me straight uphill, and i'm crying and saying, 'it's Mad Windy, Mr. Blue, we gotta slow down.'

it's Mad Windy in my life right now. i spend half my day doing/saying things to apologize for, the other half apologizing. trying to serve things up and then chasing them down because the wind has blown them askew. i have not yet made friends with the unknown.

it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods

in an instant, my mood goes from ok to horrible.
i cry. i pace. i become angry, unsettled, restless, confused, unable to cope with my life as is.

this happened at about 6 p.m. and hasn't stopped. i have taken and posted pics on Flickr.
i have paced. eaten soup. more soup. had tea. written. plannered. (like there's anything to write in my planner these days, really. i could write...wait.).

i want. i don't want. i push. i pull. i hurt. i ache. i hurt some more. i'm angsty. i reach for what i know. i reach for solid ground. i reach for familiar in all of this unknown, in all of this that i don't recognize. the breadth and textures of life...

it has taken my whole life and my whole existence to understand that i am one step away...

one step away...

reaching. reaching. reaching. one step away...

The Journey...by David Whyte

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, i listen to it over and over again and try to calm myself. I hear...how do you move the pivot of your existence away from the constant human experience of leaving and to the experience of arriving? Even slightly? How do you cultivate a daily experience of anticipation and meeting and conversation? How do you move the pivot of your identity away from trying to put it all together yourself, more towards the conversation itself? Away from the feeling of besiegement in life towards engaging creation in such a way that I realize that this is a place of revelation and healing?

That the healing is sometimes fierce, that the healing sometimes almost kills me. But, that the world somehow is constantly telling me that I belong to a much larger home than I can build for myself at any one time, than I can imagine at the moment. So, when I feel like I am constantly through going through these cycles of building a home only to be orphaned again, but that is b/c I need to make friends with the unknown. If I can't make friends with the unknown, life will always seem like it is an enemy.

I keep feeling like my foundation is being swept away, in the moments when my hormones rage. I keep forgetting to cultivate my friendship with the unknown. I keep forgetting about the healing quality of the unknown.

Life is a constant cycle of making a home in the world and being outted. Finishing the final touches, the comfort pieces, and the knock on the door that rousts me. Difficult transitions...the moments where I don't know how anything is made or done or anything anymore. Maybe it *is* when I'm willing to learn. Those moments. But, I feel like I have had more than my share of the difficult transition moments. More than a liftetime's worth.

...sometimes, everything has to be enscribed across the heavens, so i can find the one line already written inside of me
...sometimes, with the bones of the black stick left when the fire has gone out, someone has written something new in the ashes of my life
...i am not leaving, i am arriving.

sometimes, i am tired of carrying my mask. sometimes, i don't want to know the things i know - my responsibilities, the people who owe me things, the people to whom i owe things, the people who love me, the people who love me.

the world was made to be free in.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

when your eyes are tired, the world is tired also. when your vision is gone, no part of the world can find you.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

i am not beyond love. i am not leaving, i am arriving. the world was made to be free in. i should have a place in my day where i don't have to carry my mask around with me. it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods. i want to know if i belong or feel abandoned. if i can know despair or see it in others. if i am prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me. am i prepared to live day by day with the consequence of love & the bitter unwanted passion of my sure defeat.

i have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of god.

am i prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me? am i prepared to look back with firm eyes saying 'This Is Where I Stand?'

the world was made to be free in.

news of death

has made its way down the chain, to me.

it is still morning for me, and i have to go walk the dogs.

i have read the email, and reread it. i have spoken nothing aloud. i have to get dressed now. and go walk the dogs.

my bio is up at 30 Voices. my 1st post. i have new pics up at Flickr. i'll Scrobble new music when i get home.

news of death has made its way to my eyes, but i will speak nothing.

i have to go walk the dogs now.

i can't take any more heartache this year.

i cried all day yesterday. i have nothing left to give.

there is life and love and air and mountains and sea outside.
i have to go walk the dogs.

post secret

i finally finished my secret, the real one, to Post Secret. yay!!

tonight we saw The Namesake, and then the Q&A with Kal Penn afterwards. it was good and i'm glad that we went. we got tix for the symphony!!!! It's Star Wars Dark Nights, Yosemites Bright Lights @ the Wadsworth Theater. I'm really excited about it!!

i'm going to type out something that makes me embarassed even to think...hahaha. but, it's been weird to be away from OKP. it was such a huge part of my life for so long, the decision to step away has been weird. sometimes, i almost type it in and then remember that my login doesn't exist anymore.

i got im'd a link and clicked it b/c it was about me and when i was reading it and getting pulled into the drama, realized that that is why i left in the first place - the fact that i was getting emotionally wrapped up in what people who had never even met me said about me. and that it was silly. and pointless after all these years.

and i have such real shit going on. like i'm probably going to have to file bankruptcy due to my years of serious health crisis and my very expensive surgery. i am responsible for 30% of the cost of my surgery and my first two bills total over 160k. so yeah, that's serious. and i'm handling hearings for disability, and adjusting to hormone replacement therapy, and battling major depression.

so, i don't need unnecessary extra stuff. that is all. i just have to guard who and what i let near me during this time.

i am lucky to have a pretty fantastic support system. i am also lucky to have a man in my life who is understanding of things even when i probably wouldn't be when in his position, honestly. these hormones...ugh. i just had a rough day today. the depression/anxiety part of it was bad today. and i had a freak out in the store, and started wyling, and crying. and he handled it like a pro, like he was designed to take care of me in that situation. and he's just generally a good dude. and he oh so cutely pulls me closer even in his sleep...he's so amazingly fascinated with my body. he loves my shape, my legs. he tells me that i am beautiful, that he loves how my waist blooms into my hips.

he makes me feel pretty and sexy and just good. and he spoils me. even when i'm hormonal and up and down and kind of not really the best of me, he sees the best in me. and he comes over and gives me foot rubs and back rubs and shoulder rubs and leg rubs, b/c he knows that the hormones are causing me to cramp up and also because he likes to touch me! i really enjoy his touch, i really enjoy being touched. i wanted for so long to be touched, to be treated with affection and love and genuineness.

i always thought that if i ever got it, i would probably have to sacrifice something. that if i got the brains, the conversation, the affection and attention, i wouldn't get the physical attraction or the forearms. i thought i would probably have to compromise some desires in order to live others. and so i started deciding which things were the ones that i could live without, and which were the ones i had to have. and i knew that the sexual attraction, the chemistry, the being touched and being wanted, was a necessity after living without it.
but i also wanted conversation. and movies. and someone who read books. lol.

and now...now, i have a man who works out on the regular, lifts weights, runs, has great forearms, can lift me up and carry me to the shower or the pool, who reads the books that i read, who likes the movies that i like, who shares the same political viewpoints as i do, who engages me in discourse on current events. i have a smart, attractive man who works in finance and loves Discover magazine who begs me to rub me, who comforts me, who licks me until i am sleepy, who licks me awake, who touches me in a way that makes me know that i am special to him.

i am lucky. lucky lucky lucky. even when things are bad, and i am sad, i know that i am lucky. even when i can't sleep, like now, and i can't hear anything except my fingers on the keys as i type and his breath and the fan fighting away my hot flashes, i know that i am lucky.
i am here. i am closer to me every day. i am planning my future with the people that i love and who love me.

i am lucky. *rinse and repeat*

a- out.

there's more to life than what makes you cry

today was good.

the walks with the dogs were good, and annabelle has decided that i am friend and not foe. this is good news...primarily b/c annabelle has very sharp teeth. lol.

i only had to spend 19 minutes on the phone with apple tech gods before my problem was corrected - i think that's a new record!!

and, i got to see a movie that i've been looking forward to at my favorite theatre with my dude & have a hebrew national hot dog! yay!! tonight, we saw Reign on Me. it was good...surprisingly so. i cried a lot (bear in mind that i'm on hormone replacement therapy). but, the dialogue is good, the music is good, the chemistry between the actors *especially Don and Adam* is surprisingly good. overally, very good flick.

tomorrow night, we are seeing the namesake and then the one hour q&a with the actor afterwards - & then Rareform!! *lol - shoutouts to Tara, whose JUST LOVE AND SUPPORT RAREFORM AND SHUT UP, runs through my head about three times a day, but usually with a different word substituted for Rareform. lol.

anyway, things maybe will be level one day, where i can foresee a future of good days. but, until then, i will enjoy them as they come.

today was a good day.






(i didn't even have to use my AK)

you knew i couldn't resist the ice cube moment.
have a great weekend my lovelies.
and thanks for the email support.

a- out.

My First Post on 30 Voices

My first post on 30 Voices is up!!! I'm very excited about the project, it is one of the most compelling that I have been a part of in a very long time and it thrills me to share my words in the same space as so many other talented 30-something women! Yay!

My first post... http://thirtyvoices.wordpress.com/2007/03/22/sunrise-for-an-insomniac/#comments

a- out.

...the problem is, most men waste her grace

they take her kind and adoring mien for granted, and force her sooner or later to hop the first streetcar out of 'town' - but despite being grace personified, forgiving endlessly, mercifully understanding his faults and foibles, seeing past his problems to his unadulterated good, and being continually disappointed by the men in her life...she will not cease and desist from her signature of giving selflessly to her relationships.

She has an altruistic and ungrudging vision of love, carrying a seemingly bottomless loving cup. And because she doesn't compromise these things, because she is willing to pour herself fully into the man she loves now despite the disappointment of the man she loved before, she will ultimately happen upon the man who will appreciate the joyful affection that she gushes - without taking her own needs lightly.

She is programmed to give, mainly in the form of lending her infamous understanding. And in finding a man on whom she can spew forth her feelings withou having them trampled underfoot, she experiences rapture. Sometimes, it so happens that a former flame will have learned his lesson about her goodness and will try to woo her back. If anyone could forgive the past, it is her.

When it comes to relationships, She asks for little. She is a low maintenance mate whose idea of a perfect evening would sooner entail pizza and beer than caviar and champagne. She run the proverbial party pad - a startling symptom of her lack of concern for materialism. There will be the effects of the endless string of her notorious hobbies, there will be knickknacks and memorabilia, minimalism not being her default. She likes the lived in look - and nowhere in her house will that be more in evidence than in the bedroom, where both in decor & sexual philosophy, she isn't above making a mess.

Sex should never be a laminated, sanitized affair - but rather a releasing of all inhibitions. Her attitude is laissez faire. She is spontaneous and loves to be taken abruptly by a man - she would relish being jumped by her partner from behind while she was washing the dishes. It is the bestial side of men that attracts her most. - if any woman were to take an impromptu plunge with someone blue collar like the plumber, it would be her...which is ironic given her sunny & nerdy disposition. She seems the last female one would expect to do so.

She likes to be manhandled with a certain degree of roughness..it doens't have to be meaningful but pure physical pleasure is fine. She wants all of her buttons pushes, preferably all at the same time. She is unplugged - giving many nods to toys. She has zero hang ups, nor any trace of emotional or religious guilt surrounding sex. She is a nitty gritty character in the bedroom. She is especially comfortable with artificial stimulation either as enhancement to sex with a partner or as a happy solo substitute for human contact.

She likes to document her bedroom shenanigans, wither with photos or videos in which she stars as the vixen. It floats her boat - part sex and part conceptual art.

One would be hard pressed to find a more empowered individual...she is a beacon of confidence and self-confidence when she comes into her prime.


~~ she is me. and this is my sextrology reading. and wow. wow wow wow.

which means it is pretty right on and i'm shocked. lol. shocked enough to type it out. b/c it's spot on. wowsa.
sextrology. bam.

the doubling of hormones

So, the hormones have been doubled. This is...

good news? In some respects, this is good news. Some of the things that were a problem with too few hormones are now not so much. Now though, I am angry. Or maybe, on edge. I think on edge is the better way to adequately sum up what I am.

In a lot of respects, when it comes to actual contact, I just want to be left alone, because contact always involves the same things - people telling me what they are doing/did and asking me what I'm doing/what I did. And chances are, I'm not DOING anything.

Chances are, i'm sitting in front of my computer doing another freelance project, writing another things, uploading another photo that I took either in my house, off of my balcony or in the park by my house. I'm not allowed to really DO shit. And frankly, I'm getting frustrated hearing about all of the great and exciting things that everyone else is doing. Hmph.

So, I'm angsty/on edge. I just want something that I can't identify. And food...I'm hungry all of the damn time. Good lord.

I'm planning my first Seder for Passover. And we're still having the Go God, Whoooo party. So at least I have things to look forward to. And, I got invited to the VIP Fashion Show tomorrow night (looks at clock - tonight I guess), so I'm going to try to talk my doc into letting me go to that.

He says that I can't be trusted to do things minimally so I just have to be not allowed to do things. :(

that dog that i walked bit me today too. motherfucker. grrrrrrr.

that's that.
a- out.

Redefining Beauty

JPG Mag, with the Suicide Girls, is having a photography contest themed Redefining Beauty.

I have submitted a Self Portrait (with piercings!) into the contest and would like to ask for your vote...

the photo can be located at http://www.jpgmag.com/photos/98134

and thanks!

how much of yourself do you give away?

so, there's 30 Voices...
and my ex-boss wanting me to come back to work for him as a consultant (just LOL bitches)...
and the the book...
interviewing for the movie...
planning the trip to Bmore for the Wire...
maybe Puerto Rico?...
(i really wanna do PR)...
there is Slade and the puppies...
Julia aka Uli, the one and a half year old marvel who likes to rub my leg...

there's so much to do yet. and i'm still in bed. cranky. sore. crying tonight :(

i'm ready to be ready. to stop being so goddamned moody all of the time. the incredible crying machine. the fight starter. taker of things literally, seriously, meh.

i just want to laugh and relax and not be so high strung.

hormones are a motherfucker.

dental surgery is a motherfucker too...i can't believe i have to finsih up!!! good thing i got told i was too skinny and so i've been eating pizza.

and omg, i even had popeyes the other night. blech. lmao. and girl scout cookies!!! hahaha. yay!!!

awww shit.

on the dark side of the moon & i have no coat

i don't know what to do about how i feel right now...

my hormone replacement isn't enough. my doctor wants to wait to increase it, give it some time and see if my body will catch up or adapt, because any increase in dosage is an increase in the risk of side effects and i'm the youngest person he's ever done this to.

i'm 30 and have to be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. this is major. so, they have to start slow. i get this. i truly do. but damn i feel like i'm drowning. like i'm all alone in this shit.

i don't know anyone who knows what this is like. i upset my roomie this morning and i didn't mean to, it's just that i was having these horrid dreams - i've been having them for four nights. and i couldn't pull myself out of it. and just like when i'm awake, i felt like i was falling into this dark hole - the abyss. and everything bad could possibly happen was going to. and i'm scared - terrified, but i don't know of what.

it's all darkness and hormones that are so much bigger and stronger than me. body chemistry that i can't control.

so, i call my grandma hoping for comfort and she tells me that 'you need to get on top of this, take control, stop it.'

stop it? uhm, i'm trying. i push myself to take walks and go for hikes and smile and laugh and make jokes. it's only been 3 weeks since this invasive, traumatic shit happened to my body. for real, stop it???

i am falling apart today.

this is the worst day that i have had since the surgery...if there are peaks and valleys, today is the lowest point in the valley that i have encounered. i have cried spots into my glasses. i have cried myself into a headache, a runny nose.

i don't understand how to make it better when it's something that i can't fix...there's no magic potion. it's body chemistry and hormones and it's not just something i can *decide* and it's better.

over and over, i try to just pick up the pieces and be focused on being positive. but today i don't have it. whatever i need, i don't have it.

today i want to throw things and today i want someone who understands and today i want everyone to shut the fuck up because they DON'T know what this feels like. they don't get it. i don't even get it.

i'm so sad. i'm so hurting. i just want my normal back. :(

bedrest again :(

i have a pelvic infection...it was a possibility and it has happened and it hurts very badly. between that and it being 81 degrees and me feeling unable to breathe, i feel like i'm losing it. i am snappy. i'm in pain. i'm moody. my hormones are going crazy. ich.

but, the two days before this have been magnificent. he played hookie on Friday and we hung out and went for a hike. then, we went for unique ice cream at Mashti Malones (i had a scoop of Mango and a scoop of Ginger!) - then we went to the 12.30 a.m. opening show of 300~! I snuck us into a different line and we got into the theater before everyone else and got amazing seats before all of the rigamarole. it was a great movie and i really like seeing movies with him. we have the same taste in movies, but we also like the same parts. and he was really enjoying my enjoyment. lol.

then, he took me to the all night store to indulge my hormonal craving for sugar and salt.

before that, though, before the movie and everything and while waiting on dinner - all of the sudden i felt like i was tumbling into a black abyss. like everything was wrong and nothing was ever going to be right again. like pain and despair were closing in around me. and i just started sobbing hyserically. out of control. i felt like i had reached the worst possible place ever.

and then i realized that i was late on changing my hormone patch, so i did so, and i ate some food and started to breathe. and things started to get normal again.

but while i was crying like that...he came in and laid there beside there, and held me, and told me why i felt like that (hormones, only 2 weeks past major surgery, etc) and just comforted me. so amazing.

the movie was really good. on Saturday, we slept in. we got up and then, he laid beside me in bed and read my gossip blogs!!! lol. and then, we went for these pancakes that i've been craving (Sow Your Oats - pancakes with oats, cinnamon and honey, no syrup!!), and picked up my medicine. then he put the top down and drove me over to this Mansion with open grounds in Beverly Hills.

he walked the entire grounds with me and let me stop for pics, took pics for me, let me take pics of him, and didn't mind that i wanted to take lots of pics of him. it was so nice...but i started hurting really badly and i felt like i needed to come home.

i came home and took my medicine and then got more and more sick - just laying there moaning and saying i didn't feel well, and then i started throwing up. he took such good care of me while all of that was happening - rubbing my feet and getting me water and making me tea and just being so amazing. he even painted my toenails for me when i felt better enough to need to be distracted. :)

i have an infection and i don't feel good. today i slept almost all day and stayed in bed for the rest of it. i am hoping to feel better tomorrow.

but i am lucky to have goodness in my life despite the bad.

i took a lot of photos of our walks this weekend - they are on my flickr page!

Black Snake Moan | Modeling | Big East Tourney

i'm really disappointed with this movie. my doctor let me go to see a movie last night...he & i both wanted to see 300 but i thought that it had opened already and didn't realize that it doesn't open until the 9th. so, we settled for both of our 2nd choice - Black Snake Moan.

my first issue with it is that they took an approach that made everyone think that they are actually going to address the issues and then they just ignore them or gloss over them. mostly, they gloss over them. like when SamL talks about how 'she's a half-naked white woman that will fuck anything'...that's where they leave it. ugh.

and Justin Timberlake can NOT act. at all. ugh. so hard to watch. :( so hard. meh.

i got a call back from the only agency that i sent my digital look book to. they are going to use me for print modeling. they love my face and my skin. lol. so i'm meeting with them on Monday to look over the contract and talk about work. we've been conversing and i think this is going to be what i need it to be.

are you ready for the Big East Tournament?? *gets my position in the pool ready*

i'm so glad that my doc is letting me do some stuff!!! and i'm starting to feel better. yay!!!

The 2 Week Report

Okay, I just saw my surgeon for my two week visit and here's the news for those of you who have been vigilant in following up with me...

~the pathology came back highly abnormal and completely fucked on all reproductive organs, so they may be able to get me out of the entire 30% of cost that i'm supposed to be responsible for b/c it was so intensely warranted and those results basically show that even though he's out of network, he's the only surgeon that legitimately could have done it with all of those obstacles!

~he has never seen anything like it, but my appendix pathology came back proliferated and damaged - which they know mean that it was most likely about to burst *at any second*, but also that it was possibly the first pre-cancerous appendix that he has seen. they have never seen anything like its pathology on an appendix and they are studying it.

~i am healing amazingly well b/c i did so much good to prepare for my surgery and i have continued to utilize my holistic methods post-surgery - i need anti-biotics but he is going to let me use probiotics first and see if it works.

~even though he is not releasing me, i have been so good that i can take some walks and go for swims on my roof b/c it will be good for me to start engaging my muscles since i'm taking such good care of me.

~he is going to testify for my disability.

~he said that 'you're so out there...not in a bad way, but you'r so positive and just *you* all of the time. you don't care, you don't owe anyone explanations, you're funny and nice and you're taking your life and your health into your own hands. it's really amazing. you're my favorite surgery patient ever and i think that you are going to have a fantastic and amazing life now...i'm happy that i could do this for you, but you're doing it for you too.'

that was so nice to hear - renowned surgeons don't say things like that and he's a genuine guy so i know he meant it!

~he took me over to the surgical floor and i saw all of my nurses and they were so excited to see me and i'm going to start volunteering on that floor - talking to the women who have had similar surgeries and aren't dealing well - once a week.

~i get to scale down to only 3 meds now!!!! from over 30 pills and shots a day to only 5-7!!!!

i am so happy!! i'm exhausted but i'm happy!!!!!!

how are you?

all that any of this is is a successive series of acts of faith (thx Adam)

this life, our interactions with people, knowing what is the right step, the wrong one, the right place to put your trust and love, the right gods to worship, the right person to give your vulnerability to...all of it,

it's about faith. and softness...being willing to see intentions and character rather than solely an action that you disapprove of or disagree with, being willing to see intentions instead of solely your past and your perceptions...

A Successive Series of Acts of Faith. that's all.

~~~~>

i've got a red hot heart/if the talk is true his is the same/we should be together/let our passions fan loves flame

i've a got a red hot heart/say there's fire down below/say it's only smoke and ashes baby...

sometimes a person can show you something amazing when you're standing of the middle of what you think is you being broken by your decision to let go and let love...

sometimes, you have to stand and look when someone is showing you what you maybe never would have learned otherwise about their character.

sometimes, even though in this life it is hard to imagine based on experience, sometimes people man the fuck up and own their mistakes and then stand there and tell you that you are worth fixing their mistake for - sometimes, without any kind of asking, someone will want so desperately to correct what they have done to you that they will say the most articulate, intelligent and genuine things about something so much deeper than just this situation without even realizing that they are.

so - those of you in the know.

there was/is a this thing...and you know me enough to know that for me, this was a dead end sign. already. and all of the signs were pointing to something deeper and more amazing than i ever imagined possible in my life.

and so, i was genuinely feeling the beginning of a heartbreak, and sincerely questioning the gods. b/c why? i mean, seriously, why? after all of the shit that i have lived in the past two years, this too. aaaaagggggghhhhh.

but, i talked to my therapist last night via email (she loves me even when she's in Pakistan!!) and i talked to a very trusted older confidante, who has managed to build a successful and loving ten year relationship with someone that he respects and trusts, which we all know is so rare, and i didn't let the anger come in.

i let me hurt, but i did not allow the mad. and i took the advice of the people that i trust. and so, today i searched for the truth...

and i believe that i have found it. i believe that it is possible to make a mistake that you don't know how to fix for the right reasons. i believe that i have made the same kind of mistake. and, i believe that so much of it comes down to intent.

i believe that what was there was genuine and amazing and possibly this is part of the plan, to teach us about ourselves and each other and how we handle the difficulties that are always going to present themselves.

i know that on a planet of billions of people, the term soul mate is disgusting...i've always hated that term. but, i also believe that sometimes the gods give us exactly what we deserve and are asking for, and that can make you feel like using words like soul mate.

because it's delicious and wonderful and you feel like you have to use words different from the ordinary to express how magical you feel. and you know that it hurts to live honestly, but you've found this place where it feels safe to do so. and you reconcile that the risk is inherent - it is hard to let go and fall completely because what if it ends? what if something happens and it hurts? no one wants to be more vulnerable to hurt than we are already just by being, but does that mean that you push away the things and people that you find ...just so that there is no risk of losing it??

yes. for some people. yes for all of us at some time maybe. yes for me not very long ago. i was content to stay in something that was providing me absolutely nothing that i truly wanted or needed for true happiness, and that was actually harming me, because there was no risk there. i knew that i wasn't going to get any of the magic, which made me not susceptible to the risk of it being ripped from me and me feeling that pain. that searing pain.

i have known the freedom of that kind of love and the searing pain of it being changed in my life. i have known the pain of feeling a year later like, 'if he thinks of me, if he misses me even once in a while, then i'll go back there and fill that place in his life. if he dreams of me like i dream of him, then i'll go back.'

i know the warmth of feeling like you can feel the beating of someone's heart, walking around every day feeling their warmth and their smell even when they are thousands of miles away. that feeling of pleasure that even longing for them brings. and then the immeasurable pain when all that that was is represented by a hollow space in you, the actual physical pain that their absence provides.

and you spend so much time thinking about how all that you ever wanted was for their arms to be the place where all of your journeys ended. and wondering if they're holding a place for you in their heart like you are them in yours.


but anyway - in him, i felt that my prayers had been answered. i had been asking the universe to provide me what i felt that i deserved. i named everything that i wanted, needed, hoped for...i put it out there like my psychic and spiritual advisor told me to do. and then i kept hope alive. initially, that it was going to come from where i wanted it to even though my psychic told me that he was pretty sure that it wasn't, that that was a lost cause. and so finally, i changed my prayer to 'i'm ready for what i want from where you are ready to provide it', instead of 'i want him to _________________', because i am ready.

i didn't expect it to be that soon or that instantaneous. i didn't expect it to be a birthday present, lol. but when i stood up to meet him and shake his hand and we were standing there looking into each other's eyes and shaking hands and him telling me how beautiful i was and how he was so happy that i had let him come to my party b/c he had been wanting to meet me for so long and us just standing there all mesmerized and shit until Angela had to finally say something about sitting down (lol!), i was taken aback by the pull. that was something that has never happened to me before.

and as the night progressed and there were so many others vying for my attention (that night was bizarro, i got told that i looked beautiful and asked out several times, and a perfect stranger sent over a drink and told me happy birthday b/c he had asked my friend who i was and what the occasion was when she went to the restroom b/c he thought that i was 'superbly beautiful'), i kept finding myself being pulled back to his eyes. and smiling that smile that i know that i give when i'm locked onto something that i want to pull closer to me. i'm not slick! lol.

anyway, at the end of the night, he offered to give me a ride rather than me take a cab home, and i accepted. and as i was wrapping up and saying goodbye, he collected all of my things and as i came to join him, he held out my coat for me and then as i buttoned it, he wrapped me in my pashmina.

now - i have to tell you that everyone is always shocked about this, but i am huge about gentlemanly tendencies. like, if a man doesn't open the door for me, there is no second date. i notice shit like if he doesn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, if he starts to eat before me, if he grabs and holds open my coat, guides me with his hand on the small of my back if i have to walk in front of him, these are things that i was raised by my grandma to believe were the only acceptable way to be treated. and yes, it's old school and i've accepted less, but the older and more deserving i get, the more i know that i *won't* accept less.
because i am the woman who deserves it. to the man that i want it from. from day one.

so, this coat thing is something that i've watched my uncle do for my aunt my whole life...and there's always just been something really intimate and *shiver* about it...in the way they look at each other & their bodies react when she would turn around and face him as she put it on...that looking in their eyes on each other as he was doing this kind and completely extra thing for her. i don't know, but something about it kind of sums up what i want in a weird way.

and when he was holding it for me arm to arm, and then i turned to face him and he looked me in my eyes and wrapped my pashmina around me, something went 'uh oh'. b/c i probably knew that if that was for real, i could maybe fall.

so, when he expressed his interest in getting to know me more, i was really excited. and when we went to the museum and he said - 'well, let's see the photography exhibit first b/c i know that you are a photographer and that that is the one that you want to see.' snap. i was so excited - it's been so long since i've been treated like a woman whose desires were important, fuck it, like i've been treated like a woman at all. it's been so long since the person that i'm spending my time with has recognized it as an honor that i was doing so and treated me like he needed to deserve it!

and he would come up to me and give me attention and then walk away. and the more that we talked the more that we have in common, the more that we smiled and laughed, the more that it was clear that we were both feeling the same way...

and it continued. after the cookies. after the first few interactions. the points of time when things usually change - no, we were staying the same. and it was all happening so fast and so intensely b/c life was forcing that for us. when you start dating someone who faces a life-threatening surgery very early in your relationship, i think maybe it's hard on you too. maybe it forces you to think about this person as someone who may not be there - when we are used to taking people for granted - and you think about things you normally wouldn't about them. and DO you want them to not be there...b/c that's what not dating would be like? and if you decide that yes, you do want them there and there's the possibility that they may not be and not by choice, then you treat it with the utmost respect and care. b/c you want there to be no question in the universe of your intentions for this person and this thing that you find yourself in the middle of...

maybe? that is just my interpretation.

but, anyway! ~i was falling in love with this man. he treats me better than i ever imagined possible EVERY DAY. he is consistent. he is affectionate. he is caring. he is helpful. he is physically fit and attractive. he is strong. he is sexually interested & interesting. yes, these things are all almost equally important. and he is these things that i want.

and then BAM. something happened that threatened all of it, out of nowhere, when i wasn't feeling well. and this is my chance to practice what i have been learning. to look to the universe. to meditate and pray on it. to listen to my heart and follow what i 'feel' instead of what logic tells me. to take every single important thing into consideration rather than jump off of the launchpad of my previous experiences and hurt and make a decision that may ultimately not be the one that the universe had planned for me.

i can be the me that i have always been - but am i willing to keep living the life that i have always lived?
or, i can do something different and new - and hope for newness and continued greatness in my new life.

and so, i am following my heart. i am taking all of the information into consideration...i have spoken with my therapist and my friend who knows me and has my best interest at heart and i am taking a giant leap of faith and choosing love.

lol. this is so not me but i actually feel more content and at peace than i have been - especially in the past few days.
i am choosing comfort and affection and the pursuit of building something worth us. i am being the change that i want to see in my life.

i am putting my faith in him to be the man that he has asked me to let him be to me, and in so doing, i am saying that i too am letting him put his faith in me to be the person that he deserves in return. no bullshit. no half-effort. no using this thing to penalize him for the next thing.

i am at the top of the page of a new chapter in my life...

(to be continued)

although my pride is not easily disturbed,

you should be quiet when you kick me.

i'm just going to distract me

by just free posting.

there is lots of new music lately - first, Regina Spektor. really liking this one. DL'd one song on my own and then got the hookup on the disc for dg. Yay!!!

next, The Avalanches - my friend Robert hooked me up with this (one of the many gifts i got from him, including Gucci!) - anyway, it's different but i'm totally liking it!

also, i'm listening to a lot of the Strokes right now as well.

Books - i'm reading the world is flat (http://www.amazon.com/World-Flat-Updated-Expanded-Twenty-first/dp/0374292795/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086376&sr=8-1), which is really interesting - and i'm also concurrently reading The Laws of Evening (http://www.amazon.com/Laws-Evening-Mary-Yukari-Waters/dp/0743243331/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086553&sr=1-1).

i'm still addicted to Blind Date, but also - 30 Rock is quickly becoming a contendor for my #1 comedy, although The Office is still maintaining for right now. Workout is coming back on!!! yay! i still love horrible reality t.v. - lol.

movies lately - This Film is Not Yet Rated - documentary about the rating system used for motion pictures. it's really good. The Devil Wears Prada bored me and i got up and did something else. Clerks II - funny but not as funny as i expected. i rewatched Best in Show (we know how much i love my Christopher Guest!!). Street Fight is a really great political documentary. i also bought Super Troopers on the clearance rack at Target and laughed my ass off last night watching it!

i'm once again in love with Vice magazine - i finally found a place in l.a. that has it!! yay!! and of course, still my gossip blogs...

www.wwtdd.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com
www.asocialiteslife.com
www.teddyandmoo.com

so, those things along with my friends who inbox and PM me during the day are what is getting me through this time. this time of incredibly lonely and ugh.

i have a lot of thank you cards to write.

i'm crying again. :(

my thoughts are so loud that i can't hear my mouth.

*falls apart*

edit: i do not know what i did to the gods, to someone, to whatever - in a previous life or lives.

i can't escape that this one, this life, is retribution.

i keep hurting - everytime that i leave this bed, or allow someone in, or accept someone's kindness, it ends up hurting me so much.

and i'm not bouncing back anymore, i'm not recovering. the snap back is gone from the rubberband of me - i'm all stretched out.

once you start crying when you're battling hormone replacement therapy and new menopause, then you don't really stop - that's what i've thought this whole time. i've tried to distract myself from the tears even when they were just random moments of ich - because i've had this thought in my head that if i start, right now, then i might not stop. so just focus on the good - and there's been a lot of good to distract me.

but i started now. and this searing pain - they just keep coming one on top of the other and i'm barely able to catch my breath to deal with the next one. and maybe i don't deserve what i think that i deserve. maybe i deserve this. maybe i am wrong, i have been so wrong, and this struggle and this pain are mine.

this searing pain. fuck.

and everything was wonderful for a minute and i thought that that was what i deserved. i thougt that it was real and that it was finally the reality that i deserved. i started letting myself think that it was ok to be vulnerable and to relax.

i trusted my instinct and my honesty and my frailty and i put my guard down and i started to relax in that comfort and i can't breathe now.

i can't breathe now. there was this orgasm that caused me to sob, to open up and let go of the fear and just feel that moment where you don't have to be responsible for you - where you're just riding the wave of someone else and they are holding you there and so you can let go and still be moored. and not know that i could feel that again and not think that i could have hoped for that, only hours ago, and now i can't breathe.

i can't hurt like this right now. i can't think about this. i can't have this as my reality. i don't understand. i am hurting so much that if i could walk, i would be walking around aimlessly and so quickly trying to escape it.

my therapist left for pakistan this morning. my roommate has someone here from out of town. i don't know where to turn.

this is me breaking.

this is me breaking. i've got nothing left to deal with this. not a thing in the reserve tank. i'm out of my head here.



i do not understand what is happening. or why.