9.29.2007

{i am} Rhiannon...


Rhiannon rings like a bell thru the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?

All your life you've never seen
A woman , taken by the sky
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Would you even try?


And he says Rhiannon... Don't go
And he says Rhiannon... Stay
And he says I still cry out for you, don't leave me

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
When the sky is starless

All your life you've never seen
A woman..taken by the wind...
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win.....?
Will you ever win.....?


And he says Rhiannon... Don't go
And he says Rhiannon... Stay
And he says I still cry out for you, don't leave me

Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

Rhiannon rings like a bell thru the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?

All your life you've never seen
A woman , taken by the sky
Where you stay if she promised you heaven?
Would you even try?


And he say Rhiannon... Don't go
And he screams - Rhiannon... Stay
And he says I still cry out for you, don't leave me

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless

All your life you've never seen
A woman..taken by the wind...
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win.....?
Will you ever win.....?


And he says Rhiannon... Don't go
And he says Rhiannon... Stay
And he says I still cry out for you, don't leave me

Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

9.27.2007

i know a man who met a woman, can't remember where

big beautiful hips and dark brown hair. he was from the suburbs, she was from the wrong part of the wrong city...this was back when everything was still shitty.

two different worlds apart.

but the world is just a small town. we all know how people like to get down.

he told her to bring everything...

bring along your ethics and your issues and your taboos.

what he meant was...I'll take you any way that I can have you.

the player met a temptress, they made a perfect storm, called it love.

each one giving just enough to not be at risk.

each one holding back just enough to make the other know that they weren't really Loved. not the kind of Love that will keep you when you are ass-out, sick, exhausted, needy, worn thin.

they were loved...do not get it twisted. in the way that each of them could, they loved the other. but, there were always Positions to be Played, playa.

there is always a position to be played.

...i am exhausted from playing my position. Life is the ultimate player. and for so long, i have had to stay jockeying for my position. i'm so tired. of the games. the drama. the bullshit. the people who can only love you when you fit inside the box that they have created for you. the friendship that can only be if you are maintaining your role.

long ago, i took away the boxes. people are what they are. and ultimately, if we keep boundaries around their roles in our life, they will disappoint us. they will let us down. they will surprise us. they will make us feel that we never really knew them at all.

i have let people be what they are and tried to love them accordingly. i have stayed friends with people who have cheated on me, lied to me, hurt me, walked away the moment that i opened my arms and said 'i'm weak, can i lean here?'. i have turned aside to find the strength to smile when i turn back around, welcome them back, cook for them, joke with them, laugh with them, stay loving them...trying to overstand where their actions were coming from.

some people do not have it in them to be needed. some do not have it in them to be desired. some do not have it in them to be loved unconditionally. some people fear safety and run from it. some people stay fucking up a beautiful friendship. some people see someone who loves them defiantly as inferior. some people see kindness as weakness.

for so long, i have remained static. letting those whom i love leave and come back again. fill up at what seems to be the neverending trough of my admiration, friendship, love and 'thereness'. i have done my best to remain strong even while i was falling apart so that my 'friends' didn't have to hear about my pain, my fears, my weakness. i have let them tell me that i would be okay, because that is what was easiest for them...not because it is what i believe. i'm just too tired to do it any longer. i'm too tired to play my position. too tired to choose by default.

i'm going to do a few things. one, i'm just going to be fucking happy. i'm still here, so i'm going to start fucking living it. i'm not dead so fuck the shit that 'might' kill me. i missed smoking. i liked being a smoker. i'm smoking. fuck it. i'm not actively doing anything more than i am right now to push me closer to time in diapers. i'm going to start doing the fun shit again...having fun, being happy. playing hard. life is about having a good time for me now.

and i'm going to start being real again. just say what i think, do what i want to do - do Who i want to do, pursue pleasure and contentment. and i'm going to make ME happy. i want to be happy. too much of what i've been doing has been about other people being happy. fuck it. i'm going to make me happy now.

and i'm going to do some of the shit that i've been wanting to do but have been too wrapped up in my sickness to push myself to do. it's time to start living again. death is stalking me...i'm acting accordingly...i'm on the move. i said a lot of the things that i needed to say through the night last night, into the morning...both because they needed to be said, but also because i needed to hear them i think. giving them voice woke some things up in me (so thank you, for spending all those hours on the phone with me - when i'm on the East Coast in a few weeks, i owe you crab cakes!)...things that i knew but which i was sleeping on. i'm awake again.

i'm awake again. i do not want my life to be what happened while i waited for the moments that never came. i'm going out and getting my own moments. it's time.

9.24.2007

postcard from *****, *****

received...

I think of you, too and it is nice to know that life is good. It is nice to know that less pain is possible.

I don't know why it makes me happy to think of you there, but it does... - so far away, a different country, a different world.

When it suits you, reach out again. The itch is upon me too, and I'll be scoping new things very shortly. but as always... you know how to get to me.

9.18.2007

everybody here wants you.


song on a mixtape.
message?
attention is sometimes unwanted.
hair up, hat on, old jeans, logo tee.

i'm only here for this moment.

i don't think that everybody here wants me, that everybody here thinks he needs me.

someone is always waiting right there just to show me...

everyone is a stranger, no matter how well they think they know me.

i'm free with everyone, they think it means something.
i'm only here for this moment.

maybe everybody here does want me. maybe everybody here does think he needs me.

but i'm only here for this moment.

the sea of fools parts for me because i stay pushing through.

phone full. email full. inbox full. everybody here wants outer me.

i'm waiting for someone to want something different.

they all look so good from a distance.

9.14.2007

maybe?

i would like to live like anybody else, in one place?

i could be happy and fulfilled in one place?

i got the map out and drew a line through where i've been. it goes through seas & skies. too many places, and it's only my 30th year.

i wonder if i could live like anybody else...in one place. if i could be happy and fulfilled in one place.

i've felt that i'm happiest weaving from town to town. I've said that I should keep moving around...but maybe i've gotten too tired down. I don't know. I don't know if I'd ever be 'happy to be home'. i know i'm happy to be home (still alive).

i think in the end, if you take care, you can be happy or unhappy anywhere.

i think we may all rely too much on one place.

9.11.2007

Girl W/Reproductive Disease Can't Get General Relief B/C Doesn't Have Child

Girl who has suffered cancer twice, had hysterectomy by 30, still having medical treatment, financially bottomed out...all instant aid state programs she is being referred to require that she have a child or be pregnant, but her disease have been reproductive.

read more | digg story

9.07.2007

Asking for Help...

I am a two time cancer survivor who also battles endometriosis, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, nerve damage, chronic migraines due to Hormone Replacement Therapy because of a hysterectomy at age 30, multi-anemia, calcium deficiency, insomnia and more. Before my Hysterectomy, I also had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and would have periods which would last up to 8 weeks. During my treatments, which were experimental, I suffered acute calcium loss which caused my teeth to try to suck the calcium from my body. This necessitated that I have $26,000 worth of dental work in the 4 months before my hysterectomy, while I was undergoing chemotherapeutic treatments and hormone suppression (forced menopause). During this time, in additon to the symptoms of forced menopause and exerimental chemotherapy drugs, I had up to 5 dental procedures and surgeries a week and could not eat solid food for 4 and 1/2 months. I also worked the entire time because I needed the money and the insurance. I stopped working the week of my Hysterectomy. My Hysterectomy was my 5th abdominal surgery for my diseases in 2 and 1/2 years. My Hysterectomy, a surgical castration - the removal of my reproductive organs - as well as the removal of my endometrial adhesions, the scar tissue on my intestines, liver, pelvic floor and bladder, as well as the removal of endometrial implants from inside my bladder and the separation of my left fallopian tube from where it had grown into my intestine, it was discovered that at some point, my appendix had ruptured and healed itself. While this had kept me from dying, it also meant that my appendix had slowly been leaking toxins into my bloodstream and gut. The fibrous mass that had sealed over my appendix had become cancerous from all of the toxins passing through it, and the steady leak of toxins into my system had caused extensive damage to my nervous system as well as my other organs. Because of this, my medical struggle continues. I continue to have at least 3 doctor appointments a week, and often times more. I currently am receiving very expensive treatments to help flush my system of toxins and try to help my body maintain nutrients, as it is not doing so itself. I also get iron infusions for my multi-anemia and vitamin treatments for the chronic fatigue caused by the Fibromyalgia. I receive Trigger Point Injections in my face and cervical spine because my headaches are so intense. The suffering that I feel every day from the chronic pain and nerve damage in my body is almost unbearable some days. I am unable to work...some days, I am unable to sleep because I am in so much pain. It is so difficult to feel this way when I remember how active and incredible my life was once...and I know how desperately I want to live that way again. I currently have a Disability claim pending with Social Security. I applied for Disability as soon as I was able, meaning as soon as I was no longer employed the week of my surgery. Because I did not have a child and was not pregnant, I was not eligible for the majority of programs. The Disability program is currently 5 months behind and the Immediate Assistance program that they referred me to requires that I have a child to be eligible. I pay $600 a month to carry my insurance. The co-pays for my doctor visits range between $90 to $300. My monthly medication cost is at $1,000. My total medical debt, my portion to stay alive, is currently at over $400,000 and rising. To stay alive, just to be here...not knowing how I'm going to pay to get my medicine next month. I have finally reached a place of dead ends. I have exhausted all avenues. And so, I'm asking you, a stranger, for help. I know that I have given strangers, charities, people on websites that I frequent, money in times of need. Because they have been willing to ask for it. This is me being willing to ask for it. If you click on the Donate button on the right side of my blog, it will take you to my Paypal page and you can donate directly to me. I am asking you to donate what you can. One dollar, five dollars, twenty dollars...it all helps. I truly have reached a point of not knowing how I'm going to eat next week. And my desire to ride this wave out, see where life takes me, is stronger than my pride. I hope that you will find it in your heart to Donate if you can and to simply navigate away if you can't. There isn't any room for any more negativity in my heart or life at this time. And, whether or not you Donate, may the Universe bless and keep you, tonight and always. XOXO. AM

9.04.2007

it's decision time again...


i'm going on a mission to lose the hormone weight that i've gained in my middle.

the doctors say that it can't be done. the doctors say that it's my body packing on around the area where my reproductive organs used to be in response to the HRT and that i should know that based on how little i eat {less than 1000 calories a day} and how much i sweat {i can't even type about it, it's so disgusting}...but i've decided that i will win.

i got my body in the shape of my life while getting chemotherapeutic treatments and having multiple surgeries & procedures a week - AND being unable to eat solid food for nearly five months. i worked, hiked and worked out through that to maintain my strength because i wanted my body to have every advantage while healing during the fight of my life after that surgery.

and it was a good plan, because what was supposed to be a 2 hour surgery turned into nearly a 7 hour surgery and they found and did some crazy things inside of me. and i weighed in at 130 the morning of my surgery and they filled me so full of gas and fluids that even though they took out organs and cancer and blood and adhesions, i went home at 172. i walked the next day, and demanded that they take i.v.'s out and start me on oral meds and water and take me to the bathroom and discharge me that night.

i am strong. i am amazingly strong. and sometimes, i forget my own strength. sometimes, i hear the voices of my doctors and call myself being limited by their words in my ears. but i'm not. i'm not limited by their words. i'm not in a box of their limitations. i'm not a body limited by Hormone Replacement or any other medical structure.

i can be me again. i can fight this out. i can be who i am comfortable being again. i can be who i feel beautiful being again. i don't have to be overweight and justify it with this bottle of {H}ormone {R}eplacement {T}herapy. and i want to start sleeping again. and i don't want to lose my temper, be short with those i love, cry, be tempermental and mean. i want to take control of my moods to the extent that i can, my weight to the extent that i can, my 'Me-ness' to the extent that i can.

and i'm going to do so. starting just as soon as i eat this cake that i just made from scratch!!! LOL!!!

...but for real...i did just make chocolate cake from scratch, baked in plant potters, and with mint sprigs coming out of the top, making it look like dirt with plants growing out of it. sooooo cute!!! i love it!!! i can be pretty creative when i want to be... :)