...the problem is, most men waste her grace

they take her kind and adoring mien for granted, and force her sooner or later to hop the first streetcar out of 'town' - but despite being grace personified, forgiving endlessly, mercifully understanding his faults and foibles, seeing past his problems to his unadulterated good, and being continually disappointed by the men in her life...she will not cease and desist from her signature of giving selflessly to her relationships.

She has an altruistic and ungrudging vision of love, carrying a seemingly bottomless loving cup. And because she doesn't compromise these things, because she is willing to pour herself fully into the man she loves now despite the disappointment of the man she loved before, she will ultimately happen upon the man who will appreciate the joyful affection that she gushes - without taking her own needs lightly.

She is programmed to give, mainly in the form of lending her infamous understanding. And in finding a man on whom she can spew forth her feelings withou having them trampled underfoot, she experiences rapture. Sometimes, it so happens that a former flame will have learned his lesson about her goodness and will try to woo her back. If anyone could forgive the past, it is her.

When it comes to relationships, She asks for little. She is a low maintenance mate whose idea of a perfect evening would sooner entail pizza and beer than caviar and champagne. She run the proverbial party pad - a startling symptom of her lack of concern for materialism. There will be the effects of the endless string of her notorious hobbies, there will be knickknacks and memorabilia, minimalism not being her default. She likes the lived in look - and nowhere in her house will that be more in evidence than in the bedroom, where both in decor & sexual philosophy, she isn't above making a mess.

Sex should never be a laminated, sanitized affair - but rather a releasing of all inhibitions. Her attitude is laissez faire. She is spontaneous and loves to be taken abruptly by a man - she would relish being jumped by her partner from behind while she was washing the dishes. It is the bestial side of men that attracts her most. - if any woman were to take an impromptu plunge with someone blue collar like the plumber, it would be her...which is ironic given her sunny & nerdy disposition. She seems the last female one would expect to do so.

She likes to be manhandled with a certain degree of roughness..it doens't have to be meaningful but pure physical pleasure is fine. She wants all of her buttons pushes, preferably all at the same time. She is unplugged - giving many nods to toys. She has zero hang ups, nor any trace of emotional or religious guilt surrounding sex. She is a nitty gritty character in the bedroom. She is especially comfortable with artificial stimulation either as enhancement to sex with a partner or as a happy solo substitute for human contact.

She likes to document her bedroom shenanigans, wither with photos or videos in which she stars as the vixen. It floats her boat - part sex and part conceptual art.

One would be hard pressed to find a more empowered individual...she is a beacon of confidence and self-confidence when she comes into her prime.


~~ she is me. and this is my sextrology reading. and wow. wow wow wow.

which means it is pretty right on and i'm shocked. lol. shocked enough to type it out. b/c it's spot on. wowsa.
sextrology. bam.

the doubling of hormones

So, the hormones have been doubled. This is...

good news? In some respects, this is good news. Some of the things that were a problem with too few hormones are now not so much. Now though, I am angry. Or maybe, on edge. I think on edge is the better way to adequately sum up what I am.

In a lot of respects, when it comes to actual contact, I just want to be left alone, because contact always involves the same things - people telling me what they are doing/did and asking me what I'm doing/what I did. And chances are, I'm not DOING anything.

Chances are, i'm sitting in front of my computer doing another freelance project, writing another things, uploading another photo that I took either in my house, off of my balcony or in the park by my house. I'm not allowed to really DO shit. And frankly, I'm getting frustrated hearing about all of the great and exciting things that everyone else is doing. Hmph.

So, I'm angsty/on edge. I just want something that I can't identify. And food...I'm hungry all of the damn time. Good lord.

I'm planning my first Seder for Passover. And we're still having the Go God, Whoooo party. So at least I have things to look forward to. And, I got invited to the VIP Fashion Show tomorrow night (looks at clock - tonight I guess), so I'm going to try to talk my doc into letting me go to that.

He says that I can't be trusted to do things minimally so I just have to be not allowed to do things. :(

that dog that i walked bit me today too. motherfucker. grrrrrrr.

that's that.
a- out.

Redefining Beauty

JPG Mag, with the Suicide Girls, is having a photography contest themed Redefining Beauty.

I have submitted a Self Portrait (with piercings!) into the contest and would like to ask for your vote...

the photo can be located at http://www.jpgmag.com/photos/98134

and thanks!

how much of yourself do you give away?

so, there's 30 Voices...
and my ex-boss wanting me to come back to work for him as a consultant (just LOL bitches)...
and the the book...
interviewing for the movie...
planning the trip to Bmore for the Wire...
maybe Puerto Rico?...
(i really wanna do PR)...
there is Slade and the puppies...
Julia aka Uli, the one and a half year old marvel who likes to rub my leg...

there's so much to do yet. and i'm still in bed. cranky. sore. crying tonight :(

i'm ready to be ready. to stop being so goddamned moody all of the time. the incredible crying machine. the fight starter. taker of things literally, seriously, meh.

i just want to laugh and relax and not be so high strung.

hormones are a motherfucker.

dental surgery is a motherfucker too...i can't believe i have to finsih up!!! good thing i got told i was too skinny and so i've been eating pizza.

and omg, i even had popeyes the other night. blech. lmao. and girl scout cookies!!! hahaha. yay!!!

awww shit.

on the dark side of the moon & i have no coat

i don't know what to do about how i feel right now...

my hormone replacement isn't enough. my doctor wants to wait to increase it, give it some time and see if my body will catch up or adapt, because any increase in dosage is an increase in the risk of side effects and i'm the youngest person he's ever done this to.

i'm 30 and have to be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. this is major. so, they have to start slow. i get this. i truly do. but damn i feel like i'm drowning. like i'm all alone in this shit.

i don't know anyone who knows what this is like. i upset my roomie this morning and i didn't mean to, it's just that i was having these horrid dreams - i've been having them for four nights. and i couldn't pull myself out of it. and just like when i'm awake, i felt like i was falling into this dark hole - the abyss. and everything bad could possibly happen was going to. and i'm scared - terrified, but i don't know of what.

it's all darkness and hormones that are so much bigger and stronger than me. body chemistry that i can't control.

so, i call my grandma hoping for comfort and she tells me that 'you need to get on top of this, take control, stop it.'

stop it? uhm, i'm trying. i push myself to take walks and go for hikes and smile and laugh and make jokes. it's only been 3 weeks since this invasive, traumatic shit happened to my body. for real, stop it???

i am falling apart today.

this is the worst day that i have had since the surgery...if there are peaks and valleys, today is the lowest point in the valley that i have encounered. i have cried spots into my glasses. i have cried myself into a headache, a runny nose.

i don't understand how to make it better when it's something that i can't fix...there's no magic potion. it's body chemistry and hormones and it's not just something i can *decide* and it's better.

over and over, i try to just pick up the pieces and be focused on being positive. but today i don't have it. whatever i need, i don't have it.

today i want to throw things and today i want someone who understands and today i want everyone to shut the fuck up because they DON'T know what this feels like. they don't get it. i don't even get it.

i'm so sad. i'm so hurting. i just want my normal back. :(

bedrest again :(

i have a pelvic infection...it was a possibility and it has happened and it hurts very badly. between that and it being 81 degrees and me feeling unable to breathe, i feel like i'm losing it. i am snappy. i'm in pain. i'm moody. my hormones are going crazy. ich.

but, the two days before this have been magnificent. he played hookie on Friday and we hung out and went for a hike. then, we went for unique ice cream at Mashti Malones (i had a scoop of Mango and a scoop of Ginger!) - then we went to the 12.30 a.m. opening show of 300~! I snuck us into a different line and we got into the theater before everyone else and got amazing seats before all of the rigamarole. it was a great movie and i really like seeing movies with him. we have the same taste in movies, but we also like the same parts. and he was really enjoying my enjoyment. lol.

then, he took me to the all night store to indulge my hormonal craving for sugar and salt.

before that, though, before the movie and everything and while waiting on dinner - all of the sudden i felt like i was tumbling into a black abyss. like everything was wrong and nothing was ever going to be right again. like pain and despair were closing in around me. and i just started sobbing hyserically. out of control. i felt like i had reached the worst possible place ever.

and then i realized that i was late on changing my hormone patch, so i did so, and i ate some food and started to breathe. and things started to get normal again.

but while i was crying like that...he came in and laid there beside there, and held me, and told me why i felt like that (hormones, only 2 weeks past major surgery, etc) and just comforted me. so amazing.

the movie was really good. on Saturday, we slept in. we got up and then, he laid beside me in bed and read my gossip blogs!!! lol. and then, we went for these pancakes that i've been craving (Sow Your Oats - pancakes with oats, cinnamon and honey, no syrup!!), and picked up my medicine. then he put the top down and drove me over to this Mansion with open grounds in Beverly Hills.

he walked the entire grounds with me and let me stop for pics, took pics for me, let me take pics of him, and didn't mind that i wanted to take lots of pics of him. it was so nice...but i started hurting really badly and i felt like i needed to come home.

i came home and took my medicine and then got more and more sick - just laying there moaning and saying i didn't feel well, and then i started throwing up. he took such good care of me while all of that was happening - rubbing my feet and getting me water and making me tea and just being so amazing. he even painted my toenails for me when i felt better enough to need to be distracted. :)

i have an infection and i don't feel good. today i slept almost all day and stayed in bed for the rest of it. i am hoping to feel better tomorrow.

but i am lucky to have goodness in my life despite the bad.

i took a lot of photos of our walks this weekend - they are on my flickr page!

Black Snake Moan | Modeling | Big East Tourney

i'm really disappointed with this movie. my doctor let me go to see a movie last night...he & i both wanted to see 300 but i thought that it had opened already and didn't realize that it doesn't open until the 9th. so, we settled for both of our 2nd choice - Black Snake Moan.

my first issue with it is that they took an approach that made everyone think that they are actually going to address the issues and then they just ignore them or gloss over them. mostly, they gloss over them. like when SamL talks about how 'she's a half-naked white woman that will fuck anything'...that's where they leave it. ugh.

and Justin Timberlake can NOT act. at all. ugh. so hard to watch. :( so hard. meh.

i got a call back from the only agency that i sent my digital look book to. they are going to use me for print modeling. they love my face and my skin. lol. so i'm meeting with them on Monday to look over the contract and talk about work. we've been conversing and i think this is going to be what i need it to be.

are you ready for the Big East Tournament?? *gets my position in the pool ready*

i'm so glad that my doc is letting me do some stuff!!! and i'm starting to feel better. yay!!!

The 2 Week Report

Okay, I just saw my surgeon for my two week visit and here's the news for those of you who have been vigilant in following up with me...

~the pathology came back highly abnormal and completely fucked on all reproductive organs, so they may be able to get me out of the entire 30% of cost that i'm supposed to be responsible for b/c it was so intensely warranted and those results basically show that even though he's out of network, he's the only surgeon that legitimately could have done it with all of those obstacles!

~he has never seen anything like it, but my appendix pathology came back proliferated and damaged - which they know mean that it was most likely about to burst *at any second*, but also that it was possibly the first pre-cancerous appendix that he has seen. they have never seen anything like its pathology on an appendix and they are studying it.

~i am healing amazingly well b/c i did so much good to prepare for my surgery and i have continued to utilize my holistic methods post-surgery - i need anti-biotics but he is going to let me use probiotics first and see if it works.

~even though he is not releasing me, i have been so good that i can take some walks and go for swims on my roof b/c it will be good for me to start engaging my muscles since i'm taking such good care of me.

~he is going to testify for my disability.

~he said that 'you're so out there...not in a bad way, but you'r so positive and just *you* all of the time. you don't care, you don't owe anyone explanations, you're funny and nice and you're taking your life and your health into your own hands. it's really amazing. you're my favorite surgery patient ever and i think that you are going to have a fantastic and amazing life now...i'm happy that i could do this for you, but you're doing it for you too.'

that was so nice to hear - renowned surgeons don't say things like that and he's a genuine guy so i know he meant it!

~he took me over to the surgical floor and i saw all of my nurses and they were so excited to see me and i'm going to start volunteering on that floor - talking to the women who have had similar surgeries and aren't dealing well - once a week.

~i get to scale down to only 3 meds now!!!! from over 30 pills and shots a day to only 5-7!!!!

i am so happy!! i'm exhausted but i'm happy!!!!!!

how are you?

all that any of this is is a successive series of acts of faith (thx Adam)

this life, our interactions with people, knowing what is the right step, the wrong one, the right place to put your trust and love, the right gods to worship, the right person to give your vulnerability to...all of it,

it's about faith. and softness...being willing to see intentions and character rather than solely an action that you disapprove of or disagree with, being willing to see intentions instead of solely your past and your perceptions...

A Successive Series of Acts of Faith. that's all.

~~~~>

i've got a red hot heart/if the talk is true his is the same/we should be together/let our passions fan loves flame

i've a got a red hot heart/say there's fire down below/say it's only smoke and ashes baby...

sometimes a person can show you something amazing when you're standing of the middle of what you think is you being broken by your decision to let go and let love...

sometimes, you have to stand and look when someone is showing you what you maybe never would have learned otherwise about their character.

sometimes, even though in this life it is hard to imagine based on experience, sometimes people man the fuck up and own their mistakes and then stand there and tell you that you are worth fixing their mistake for - sometimes, without any kind of asking, someone will want so desperately to correct what they have done to you that they will say the most articulate, intelligent and genuine things about something so much deeper than just this situation without even realizing that they are.

so - those of you in the know.

there was/is a this thing...and you know me enough to know that for me, this was a dead end sign. already. and all of the signs were pointing to something deeper and more amazing than i ever imagined possible in my life.

and so, i was genuinely feeling the beginning of a heartbreak, and sincerely questioning the gods. b/c why? i mean, seriously, why? after all of the shit that i have lived in the past two years, this too. aaaaagggggghhhhh.

but, i talked to my therapist last night via email (she loves me even when she's in Pakistan!!) and i talked to a very trusted older confidante, who has managed to build a successful and loving ten year relationship with someone that he respects and trusts, which we all know is so rare, and i didn't let the anger come in.

i let me hurt, but i did not allow the mad. and i took the advice of the people that i trust. and so, today i searched for the truth...

and i believe that i have found it. i believe that it is possible to make a mistake that you don't know how to fix for the right reasons. i believe that i have made the same kind of mistake. and, i believe that so much of it comes down to intent.

i believe that what was there was genuine and amazing and possibly this is part of the plan, to teach us about ourselves and each other and how we handle the difficulties that are always going to present themselves.

i know that on a planet of billions of people, the term soul mate is disgusting...i've always hated that term. but, i also believe that sometimes the gods give us exactly what we deserve and are asking for, and that can make you feel like using words like soul mate.

because it's delicious and wonderful and you feel like you have to use words different from the ordinary to express how magical you feel. and you know that it hurts to live honestly, but you've found this place where it feels safe to do so. and you reconcile that the risk is inherent - it is hard to let go and fall completely because what if it ends? what if something happens and it hurts? no one wants to be more vulnerable to hurt than we are already just by being, but does that mean that you push away the things and people that you find ...just so that there is no risk of losing it??

yes. for some people. yes for all of us at some time maybe. yes for me not very long ago. i was content to stay in something that was providing me absolutely nothing that i truly wanted or needed for true happiness, and that was actually harming me, because there was no risk there. i knew that i wasn't going to get any of the magic, which made me not susceptible to the risk of it being ripped from me and me feeling that pain. that searing pain.

i have known the freedom of that kind of love and the searing pain of it being changed in my life. i have known the pain of feeling a year later like, 'if he thinks of me, if he misses me even once in a while, then i'll go back there and fill that place in his life. if he dreams of me like i dream of him, then i'll go back.'

i know the warmth of feeling like you can feel the beating of someone's heart, walking around every day feeling their warmth and their smell even when they are thousands of miles away. that feeling of pleasure that even longing for them brings. and then the immeasurable pain when all that that was is represented by a hollow space in you, the actual physical pain that their absence provides.

and you spend so much time thinking about how all that you ever wanted was for their arms to be the place where all of your journeys ended. and wondering if they're holding a place for you in their heart like you are them in yours.


but anyway - in him, i felt that my prayers had been answered. i had been asking the universe to provide me what i felt that i deserved. i named everything that i wanted, needed, hoped for...i put it out there like my psychic and spiritual advisor told me to do. and then i kept hope alive. initially, that it was going to come from where i wanted it to even though my psychic told me that he was pretty sure that it wasn't, that that was a lost cause. and so finally, i changed my prayer to 'i'm ready for what i want from where you are ready to provide it', instead of 'i want him to _________________', because i am ready.

i didn't expect it to be that soon or that instantaneous. i didn't expect it to be a birthday present, lol. but when i stood up to meet him and shake his hand and we were standing there looking into each other's eyes and shaking hands and him telling me how beautiful i was and how he was so happy that i had let him come to my party b/c he had been wanting to meet me for so long and us just standing there all mesmerized and shit until Angela had to finally say something about sitting down (lol!), i was taken aback by the pull. that was something that has never happened to me before.

and as the night progressed and there were so many others vying for my attention (that night was bizarro, i got told that i looked beautiful and asked out several times, and a perfect stranger sent over a drink and told me happy birthday b/c he had asked my friend who i was and what the occasion was when she went to the restroom b/c he thought that i was 'superbly beautiful'), i kept finding myself being pulled back to his eyes. and smiling that smile that i know that i give when i'm locked onto something that i want to pull closer to me. i'm not slick! lol.

anyway, at the end of the night, he offered to give me a ride rather than me take a cab home, and i accepted. and as i was wrapping up and saying goodbye, he collected all of my things and as i came to join him, he held out my coat for me and then as i buttoned it, he wrapped me in my pashmina.

now - i have to tell you that everyone is always shocked about this, but i am huge about gentlemanly tendencies. like, if a man doesn't open the door for me, there is no second date. i notice shit like if he doesn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, if he starts to eat before me, if he grabs and holds open my coat, guides me with his hand on the small of my back if i have to walk in front of him, these are things that i was raised by my grandma to believe were the only acceptable way to be treated. and yes, it's old school and i've accepted less, but the older and more deserving i get, the more i know that i *won't* accept less.
because i am the woman who deserves it. to the man that i want it from. from day one.

so, this coat thing is something that i've watched my uncle do for my aunt my whole life...and there's always just been something really intimate and *shiver* about it...in the way they look at each other & their bodies react when she would turn around and face him as she put it on...that looking in their eyes on each other as he was doing this kind and completely extra thing for her. i don't know, but something about it kind of sums up what i want in a weird way.

and when he was holding it for me arm to arm, and then i turned to face him and he looked me in my eyes and wrapped my pashmina around me, something went 'uh oh'. b/c i probably knew that if that was for real, i could maybe fall.

so, when he expressed his interest in getting to know me more, i was really excited. and when we went to the museum and he said - 'well, let's see the photography exhibit first b/c i know that you are a photographer and that that is the one that you want to see.' snap. i was so excited - it's been so long since i've been treated like a woman whose desires were important, fuck it, like i've been treated like a woman at all. it's been so long since the person that i'm spending my time with has recognized it as an honor that i was doing so and treated me like he needed to deserve it!

and he would come up to me and give me attention and then walk away. and the more that we talked the more that we have in common, the more that we smiled and laughed, the more that it was clear that we were both feeling the same way...

and it continued. after the cookies. after the first few interactions. the points of time when things usually change - no, we were staying the same. and it was all happening so fast and so intensely b/c life was forcing that for us. when you start dating someone who faces a life-threatening surgery very early in your relationship, i think maybe it's hard on you too. maybe it forces you to think about this person as someone who may not be there - when we are used to taking people for granted - and you think about things you normally wouldn't about them. and DO you want them to not be there...b/c that's what not dating would be like? and if you decide that yes, you do want them there and there's the possibility that they may not be and not by choice, then you treat it with the utmost respect and care. b/c you want there to be no question in the universe of your intentions for this person and this thing that you find yourself in the middle of...

maybe? that is just my interpretation.

but, anyway! ~i was falling in love with this man. he treats me better than i ever imagined possible EVERY DAY. he is consistent. he is affectionate. he is caring. he is helpful. he is physically fit and attractive. he is strong. he is sexually interested & interesting. yes, these things are all almost equally important. and he is these things that i want.

and then BAM. something happened that threatened all of it, out of nowhere, when i wasn't feeling well. and this is my chance to practice what i have been learning. to look to the universe. to meditate and pray on it. to listen to my heart and follow what i 'feel' instead of what logic tells me. to take every single important thing into consideration rather than jump off of the launchpad of my previous experiences and hurt and make a decision that may ultimately not be the one that the universe had planned for me.

i can be the me that i have always been - but am i willing to keep living the life that i have always lived?
or, i can do something different and new - and hope for newness and continued greatness in my new life.

and so, i am following my heart. i am taking all of the information into consideration...i have spoken with my therapist and my friend who knows me and has my best interest at heart and i am taking a giant leap of faith and choosing love.

lol. this is so not me but i actually feel more content and at peace than i have been - especially in the past few days.
i am choosing comfort and affection and the pursuit of building something worth us. i am being the change that i want to see in my life.

i am putting my faith in him to be the man that he has asked me to let him be to me, and in so doing, i am saying that i too am letting him put his faith in me to be the person that he deserves in return. no bullshit. no half-effort. no using this thing to penalize him for the next thing.

i am at the top of the page of a new chapter in my life...

(to be continued)

although my pride is not easily disturbed,

you should be quiet when you kick me.

i'm just going to distract me

by just free posting.

there is lots of new music lately - first, Regina Spektor. really liking this one. DL'd one song on my own and then got the hookup on the disc for dg. Yay!!!

next, The Avalanches - my friend Robert hooked me up with this (one of the many gifts i got from him, including Gucci!) - anyway, it's different but i'm totally liking it!

also, i'm listening to a lot of the Strokes right now as well.

Books - i'm reading the world is flat (http://www.amazon.com/World-Flat-Updated-Expanded-Twenty-first/dp/0374292795/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086376&sr=8-1), which is really interesting - and i'm also concurrently reading The Laws of Evening (http://www.amazon.com/Laws-Evening-Mary-Yukari-Waters/dp/0743243331/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086553&sr=1-1).

i'm still addicted to Blind Date, but also - 30 Rock is quickly becoming a contendor for my #1 comedy, although The Office is still maintaining for right now. Workout is coming back on!!! yay! i still love horrible reality t.v. - lol.

movies lately - This Film is Not Yet Rated - documentary about the rating system used for motion pictures. it's really good. The Devil Wears Prada bored me and i got up and did something else. Clerks II - funny but not as funny as i expected. i rewatched Best in Show (we know how much i love my Christopher Guest!!). Street Fight is a really great political documentary. i also bought Super Troopers on the clearance rack at Target and laughed my ass off last night watching it!

i'm once again in love with Vice magazine - i finally found a place in l.a. that has it!! yay!! and of course, still my gossip blogs...

www.wwtdd.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com
www.asocialiteslife.com
www.teddyandmoo.com

so, those things along with my friends who inbox and PM me during the day are what is getting me through this time. this time of incredibly lonely and ugh.

i have a lot of thank you cards to write.

i'm crying again. :(

my thoughts are so loud that i can't hear my mouth.

*falls apart*

edit: i do not know what i did to the gods, to someone, to whatever - in a previous life or lives.

i can't escape that this one, this life, is retribution.

i keep hurting - everytime that i leave this bed, or allow someone in, or accept someone's kindness, it ends up hurting me so much.

and i'm not bouncing back anymore, i'm not recovering. the snap back is gone from the rubberband of me - i'm all stretched out.

once you start crying when you're battling hormone replacement therapy and new menopause, then you don't really stop - that's what i've thought this whole time. i've tried to distract myself from the tears even when they were just random moments of ich - because i've had this thought in my head that if i start, right now, then i might not stop. so just focus on the good - and there's been a lot of good to distract me.

but i started now. and this searing pain - they just keep coming one on top of the other and i'm barely able to catch my breath to deal with the next one. and maybe i don't deserve what i think that i deserve. maybe i deserve this. maybe i am wrong, i have been so wrong, and this struggle and this pain are mine.

this searing pain. fuck.

and everything was wonderful for a minute and i thought that that was what i deserved. i thougt that it was real and that it was finally the reality that i deserved. i started letting myself think that it was ok to be vulnerable and to relax.

i trusted my instinct and my honesty and my frailty and i put my guard down and i started to relax in that comfort and i can't breathe now.

i can't breathe now. there was this orgasm that caused me to sob, to open up and let go of the fear and just feel that moment where you don't have to be responsible for you - where you're just riding the wave of someone else and they are holding you there and so you can let go and still be moored. and not know that i could feel that again and not think that i could have hoped for that, only hours ago, and now i can't breathe.

i can't hurt like this right now. i can't think about this. i can't have this as my reality. i don't understand. i am hurting so much that if i could walk, i would be walking around aimlessly and so quickly trying to escape it.

my therapist left for pakistan this morning. my roommate has someone here from out of town. i don't know where to turn.

this is me breaking.

this is me breaking. i've got nothing left to deal with this. not a thing in the reserve tank. i'm out of my head here.



i do not understand what is happening. or why.

these are my confessions...|can you read my mind?

~i'm 30, unemployed, six days post-hysterectomy, in menopause, barely without cancer and terrified.

~i really, really like him. he's amazing and i wish that i wasn't struggling with this menopause/hormone patch/hormone replacement therapy. it's hard for me to even try to maintain, and i feel bad when i snap at people but especially him. i wish that i had even a little bit of normalcy.

~i hate bedrest and am really scared that i'm going to gain a lot of weight, which is the most weird thing for me to worry about.

~i went through a really internal and self-focused phase before my surgery - i was sick and sick of being sick and scared and i was selfish. some people are selfish for forever, and i'm a good person, so i think that it's okay that i went through this phase b/c it was part of dealing.
but - i accidentally pissed someone off on here. that was one of my favorite people. my head was just in a different space. i called to apologize and got treated like it was unthinkable that i be forgiven for angering her. so i gave it some time and space. recently, i sent her an inbox telling her that i miss her, and that i'm sorry that my selfish phase crossed her during that interaction and that i hope that she can forgive me. she didn't even acknowledge this inbox, which has made me more sad today then i'm sure i know how to process. i feel like i should at least be acknowledged, even if it's fuck you i'm not forgiving you.

so - i confess that i went through a selfish phase when i was exhausted and terrified. and so i beg forgiveness to everyone that my inability to handle adequately what was happening affected, and i hope that anyone i upset in any way, or do upset as i adjust to my permanent menopause and hormone replacement, will forgive me.

~i ordered a cheeseburger.

something is the matta' with me. well, lots of things, i guess. but one that's perplexing me. i keep getting my feelings hurt by this one person, who never treated me with fragility even though i told him i was fragile, who was never tender even though i told him that his roughness was breaking me. and i tried to leave it, to just walk away because i couldn't take it. and he wanted to still be friends and i told him what it would take to be my friend. but he just kept being what hurt me.

so i quit it. and so i keep being surprised every time he does something that totally matches all of the other things he did...that negates me and my feelings. that shows that he little to nothing of me. and it's so fucking frustrating and annoying, to be such a nice person to the people in your life that you care about and get that in return. and i'm tired of being hurt and angered by it.

i wish that i could not be bothered, that i could learn to just accept it when it happens, shelve it and walk away. why does it hurt when someone will tell you that they love you and then treat you like shit? why can't it just be - oh, okay. meh.

anyway, i'm not sure about this dose of hormone replacement. i'm really short and spazzy today. and i was short with my dude, even though i didn't want to be. it just comes out, but it's worse now than it was...my brain is still freaking out about my body's lack of sex organs.

i just want to be held. i'm like Brit Brit, what that guy said about her. if i'm in his arms, then i'm ok right then. i feel like my body and brain can relax and things will be ok. like i'm not going to not be able to get up and go to the bathroom, or like the pain isn't this nagging thing that is dragging me down. but i don't want to be needy so i hold myself back and don't just say, 'will you please just be here and hold me?'

nothing is ever easy all of the time, but i wish that i could have some ease. just a little bit of ease. some occasional ease.
i'm tired of the struggle and the pain. i'm ready for the life i've always wanted.

i hope i didn't hurt it. now i'm crying. i got prollems.

The Church of the Whale Penis

wow.

bedrest and narcotics and awesome friends = finds like The Church of the Whale Penis

http://whalepenis.org/


wow wow wow wow wow

i can't sleep - eff being post op

everything hurts.
my eyes are grainy.
i'm cold but i'm having hot flashes *the cold isn't just me, everyone in the state is cold. maybe everyone in the world today.*

comedy central is on. after the office season one. after an inconvenient truth. which i already read.

ugh. i'm just so fucking over this and it has barely started.

i'm not whining to the people who are here to help me. i mean, it's hard enough for them to watch me struggle to catch my breath. they shouldn't have to listen to me whine.

but damn. owwwww. ouch. grrrrrrr. buzkafnnaf.

i'm full of almost twenty pounds of stuff that they put in you btw.

ugh.

i had my surgery and i'm at home. i'm in a lot of pain. like more than i can ever even have imagined. which i guess i can't not expect after everything that was done to me.

anyway, it's always the people that you don't expect - and the surprises come from where you think that there is understanding. i can't deal with the bullshit now, i just can't. i'm so tired, but i have to admit to you that there are people who are shocking me with their behavior.

and i got a call from someone that i used to plan my future with. i dated him almost 8 years ago - we started dating when i was pregnant with someone else's baby and planning his adoption. we dated for years, planned our engagement, and ended up badly. we then recovered, picked up a friendship and lost each other again. and then he called me in the hospital.

he is married now. sober for almost two years. living the life we used to talk about when we were fucked up and hoping for something normal - maybe hoping that we could bring the normalcy out in each other.

we talked about meditation, and sobriety, and therapy and yoga. we talked about life now, barely touching on life then. but it was hard to wrap the conversation. it was weird, especially since i was so drugged. maybe b/c i was so drugged. i don't know.
but, it's interesting that he still knows about me. uses the avenues to stay aware. remembers info when he gets it. and called. i was surprised, to say the least. but it was a good conversation.

in other news, my ex-boss the lunatic emailed to ask how i was. the email said how are you????? how are you???? good to see that some communication skills never change.

i'm trying to distract myself from how much pain i'm in. its horrid. seriously. but i took some pics - i weigh 16 pounds more than i did 48 hours ago.
and i've eaten nothing and had organs removed. wow.

meh.

better living through chemistry.

so, i spent five hours at the hospital yesterday doing all of my pre-op stuff.
the man i'm dating offered to take a long lunch and come from the valley and take me there, but i couldn't let him do that since i made him late for work, so i walked it mostly.

anyway, i was there a long time. and i had to pay one thousand dollars for my surgery, which put me over broke. and they kept doing all of these invasive things.

and he kept checking in on me. and we had plans to have date night tonight. since we started hanging out, we haven't really gotten to have an official 'date'. we've gone and done lots of things, but we've done them with other friends b/c i've had so much going on to get ready for my surgery.

anyway, i found out that i don't get to leave my house after five until my surgery tomorrow. so i regretfully let him know, as i was upset and he was checking in on me, that i couldn't have our date night tonight. and his immediate answer? 'okay, so are you available tonight? i just want to take you out and have a good time with you.'

and so...i was just getting out of the shower and getting dressed when he got here, so he chatted with my roommate (who likes him, just like all my friends who have met him - people out of state ask after him!)...anyway, i came out of my room in my short pleated skirt and my cashmere tank top with my wrap on, and looked up - and he was dressed up. slacks, buttondown tucked in, blazer, nice shoes. and when i said, 'oh my god, you look so nice, you look so good!!', he said, 'i don't look half as good as you, that skirt and those legs are going to make it hard for me to be the gentleman i am, but of course i dressed up, i have a date with you.'

he had a handkerchief in his pocket for me. he took my hand when we got in the car and looked at me and said, 'i know that you've had a stressful day and that you're scared of your surgery and you're stressed out, and i want you to have a good time and be okay, but i also want you to know that if you're not okay, that's okay too. be what you are and i'm going to be here for you.'

and it was so nice. he dressed up for me! and complimented me all night - my outfit, my legs, how smart i am and how fun it is to date a girl that he doesn't have to dumb down for, how beautiful i am, how soft my skin is...he's just so complimentary and amazing and exactly what i need right now.

and then, during that silly movie *Ghost Rider*, he pulled me into his space and said into my ear, 'you are the sexiest woman that i have ever known, and i am lucky that you find me attractive and let me into your space.'

and i melted. because he's everything that i have asked the universe for, and he spends his time telling me how amazing i am. he and i have exactly the same temperment when it comes to relationships - we just want to hang out and be nice to each other and enjoy each other. we have the same sex drive (and he loves eating me out!!!! he tells me how wonderful i taste and smell, and sends me text messages telling me that he can still smell me on his lips!). we read the same books. we both do accounting. he's incredibly over-protective of me, which i enjoy no matter how independant i have been.

i enjoy being taken care of...i have needed and wanted so badly a space to be vulnerable and he allows me that without making me feel guilty about it, because he doesn't make me ask. he looks at me and my situation and thinks about how he would want someone to treat his sisters or his mother, whom he has taken care of when his father died, and he treats me that way.

he treats me respectfully and affectionately and attentively and with love. and when i snap, he teases me about my moodiness and tells me how sorry he is that my body has had to endure this, and then he pulls me into his lap and kiss me and strokes me and plays in my hair until i cry it out and let it go and then we are good again.

he tells me how he has been reading the chronicle of my life/disease that i have posted for a long time now and how he has wanted to meet me so badly...how he has admired my humor and my strength and my courage and my candor and how he has admired me so much.

and it is amazing...to have this in my life. i know thati am typing on and on about it, but i am falling for him. i am really falling for him. and this morning he said to me - i'm going to take a long lunch and come see you during the day, because i know that you're going to have a rough day with tomorrow being what it is and i want to be here for you. and i said, i can't ask you to do that. and his response?? - 'first, you didn't ask me. and secondly, baby yes you can ask me. we've only known each other for a short amount of time but i feel so intensely for you and i'm your man and you can ask things of me. that's what i'm here for. i'm your man.'

i am lucky, that at this point in my life i would have all of the things that have come to me and i feel so blessed.

i am scared about my surgery tomorrow but i know that i'm going to wake up and i'm going to live to see where my life takes me. i'm not looking forward to the weeks of soreness, but all will be well eventually.

cunt cunt cunt i'ma cunt

someone that i loved called me a cunt yesterday.

i was just filling out my will and i thought about that. and then i started crying. and i don't know if i was crying b/c i was legalizing my will or because someone i thought i loved called me a cunt or because maybe i really did love him and it was just wasting love.

i did my medical power of attorney. i did my living will. i did my will. i did my disability paperwork.

now i'm off to move all of my money into the bank account that my sister can access and then have my pre-op stuff done.

it's go time.

:(

surgery details and what not, etc

i spoke to my surgeon today and confirmed the details. he is getting the robot that he wanted from D.C. and so now my surgery is the 21st at 8 a.m. - the first and only case of the day. and it's going to be a teaching case, meaning that the class will be there learning. wheeeeee. so yeah, i'm nervous. about the surgery. and the change. and the life afterward. all of the unknown. just a little scared.

so the man left town today. he's so beautiful and sweet. i drove him to the airport b/c we wanted to spend some time together before he left town. he left me his button down that he worked in all day and it smells like him and i have kept it near me, loving absorbing the scent of someone so incredibly nice and loving to me.

we talked about my hysterectomy. or, i talked about it. telling him that i know that he's only known be for about five minutes, and that even though he keeps telling me how shocked he is at the intensity of his feelings for me already, that i do not expect him to wait for me after my surgery. that it will be hard to enjoy or get to know someone who is going through what i will be, trapped in bed, drugged, and incapable of having sex. how can i aske that of someone? or even hope for it - because there is no way that i would ask for it.

and he took my hand and kissed it and told me how special i am.

i know that it's so prelim, so early, so many reasons that i shouldn't ever say this out loud or 'type it out loud', but man oh man i really really really like him. he's everything that i was telling the universe that i deserved and wanted and ached for.

he is special to me and for me. i don't know how long his role in my life is according to the universe's plan, but i am going to enjoy every minute of it!!!

love without penetration

after i have my hysterectomy, i can't have sex for at least six weeks. is it wrong to have fallen for someone right now?

i don't think it's wrong, per se. i mean, clearly the universe brought him into my life for a reason. although i think it may be getting my hopes up incredibly to think that someone that i have known for four minutes will think that this is any kind of a rational or sane idea.

me: hello.
him: hello.
us: have three dates.
me: have hysterectomy.
me: will you wait at least six weeks to have sex and come visit me while i'm on bedrest after a major surgery which puts me into menopause at thirty as i adjust to hormone replacement therapy and just want to watch movies?
him: crazy look crazy time crazy run away

exactly.

*sigh*

i mean, we have this insane connection that at any other point in my life would have terrified me. but, i have been meditating and praying and communicating with the universe and i am more at peace and general well accord than i have been, and i feel like he's supposed to be here. he's just a natural fit into me - into my whole life.

there hasn't been any newness weirdness awkwardness strangeness that most new person interaction brings. when he is with me, i feel like i have known him for my entire life and maybe before. lol - that sounds weird. but it feels past life(ish) to me. there is a comfort that is comforting, even though *he* is new. which maybe doesn't make any sense, but which makes perfect sense after talking to my psychic about it.

anyway, it feels good, and it makes me feel good. and so i'm not questioning it. or over thinking it. i'm just thanking the universe for it. but at the same time, i'm not being assumptive about it. i'm taking one moment at a time. one second, one breath at a time. which i have learned to do with these chemicals and pills and whatever else anyway.

so yeah, it's been a really great and happytime week. and even though i barely know this new person in my life i know him and i've got room in my heart for love for him - which sounds weird but he brings me comfort and stillness and i really don't know how to describe it but he pulls me onto his lap and strokes my hair and whispers into my ear and i feel a calmness that i haven't felt in a long time. and then he does other things to my body that cause me to shiver and twitch and laugh uncontrollably and cry and beg and sigh and then he scoops me back up again.

so - i long ago typed (coined?) the phrase Love Without Penetration and i have loved it since. b/c to me, one doesn't have to do with the other. sex and love are completely separate. although if you can find the person that you can combine them with, it is fantastic. anyway, can a new friendship plus survive what i personally am being forced to survive?

we'll see. let's hope. i cross my fingers now.

you're a hard woman to leave...

thirty has been the best birthday to date. fantastic! i had a great party that was so much more than a birthday party - it was a celebration of my life, of beating a disease, of getting to get a group of my friends together for a great night before i have a life threatening surgery after a year of life threatening bs and then spend six weeks in bed.

it was great. so lovely...i got to see so many people that i love. everyone got all dressed up. we laughed. we took pictures. they bought me presents off of my wish list (thank you my lovelies!).

and, i met a man. who told me that i was beautiful and that my dress looked amazing on me and that my hair smelled wonderful. who insisted on driving me home instead of me taking a cab. who, at the end of the night while i was wrapping up and sayiing goodbye, gathered my coat and pashmina and all of my gifts and when i came to get it, held my coat open for me and wrapped me up. who opened my doors for me and carried my packages out for me. who told me that he found me amazing and would like to see me again.

and so we talked again and i got curious. we have a lot in common. we both work with numbers and money. his degree is in finance. he wears a suit to work (hot). he's incredibly complimentary and he likes me and i find myself drawn to him.

so, we talk some more. my friend and i have plans to go and hang out. i ask my friend if he minds if i bring someone else and he doesn't, so i invite him to go to the Getty museum with my friend and i - there's a photography exhibit that i want to see. i expect him to say no because i'm used to being told no, especially if it involves my friends. but he says yes. and we're chatting non-stop...just like me, he reads a lot, he likes politics and movies and philosophy. we had a lot to talk about. and we had a lot of chemistry.

and we got to the museum. and we all went different directions, looking at the art, and then he just came up and took my hand and told me how beautiful i was and how irresistible and how he couldn't resist touching me. and when he took my hand, i got so smiley and tingley. it is what i have been craving and asking for and wanting. to be appreciated and desired and shown attention and affection. and the chemistry. and we smiled at each other and then separated and went to look at the pictures.

and then later, he came up behind me and pulled my hair back and kissed me on the back of my neck and said in my ear 'oh my god, you smell fucking unbelievable, i just want to touch you, you're so soft.' and i knew then that this was exactly what i have wanted all of this time. that i haven't been able to put it into words, but that this was it. that i haven't needed someone to be attached to me like an appendage, but someone who appreciates the womanly aspects of me and appreciates them intermittently, whenever the urge strikes them...whether at the museum or a restaurant or wherever. and i knew that this man is the kind of man that i have wanted, that i've been wanting.

that it's just a matter of finding the kind of man and that man being attracted to you. and he is very attracted to me. so anyway - the museum. and we saw the last king of scotland. and he held me during the movie, stroking my hair and turning to kiss my forehead and nose - which he loves, lol, he loves my nose and my jawline and my neck.

and then we came back to my sofa. and he pulled me into his lap and buried his head in my hair and told me how amazing i smell, how much he loves my smell, and how soft i am - how much he has wanted to touch me and how now that he has touched me i am even softer than he imagined and he hopes that i am comfortable with him touching me a lot because he wants to touch whenever he is near me. he told me that i am beautiful and so incredibly smart and funny and that i am the coolest woman that he has ever met and that he is incredibly fond of me...he likes me so much.

and oh my god. oh my god. how amazing it is...to hear these things. i cried in his lap, to hear these things, to be in the arms of someone attractive and intelligent and articulate and witty and fun and willing to meet my friends and go places and who wants to touch me and who wants to touch me in front of people who is telling me all of the things that i have been aching to hear, touching all of the places that i have been aching to have touched, tickling all of the places that i have been aching to have tickled - without me saying a word.

and then - and this is the part where i laughed with delight at the differences that i am experiencing - when it was time for him to leave, he stood at my door and said to me, 'you are a hard woman to leave.' wow.
wow wow wow

me. lol. who is used to, this past year, someone acting as if i'm a hard woman to touch.

he did things that haven't been done to me in an incredibly long time in ways that i still feel like were a dream sequence and that made me cry with pleasure and then he wrapped his arms around me and put his lips on my neck and laid with me until i was sleepy.

i feel as if i am being incredibly blessed by the universe right now. the job is gone and i'm relaxing before my surgery, meditating and clearing my head. i've been enjoying the company of my friends. i got great gifts for my shower/birthday. i've done great things the past few days. the spa was wonderful. and now this on top of all it. i am, in this moment, incredibly happy.

the universe keeps telling me...

live the now. let it be what it is. if there's no love, don't beg for it. if there is love, accept it. take what you are offered. walk away when there is nothing.

but i'm so fucking stubborn. i really don't understand what the fuck my problem is. i want to win? i want to prove something? to myself? to the world? to the universe? i really don't know.

anyway, tonight was my Farewell My Uterus | Hello Dirty Thirty party. it was great. there are really great pics that i will have up tomorrow. to the people who came to celebrate everything that this night was a celebration of with me...thank you so much. to those of you who traveled far to do so, more than words.

it was wonderful and flew by. thanks for indulging with me, for singing to me, and for spoiling me by getting me the gifts on my wish list (and to you who wrote the farewell card to my uterus - so clever and awesome and I really am going to have them burn it with my uterus. awesome!!!)

so, tomorrow we're going to the Getty. :) it's so great to have people in from out of town! then Sunday, my friend is taking me to Olympic spa for my birthday!!!! they send you to the showers, then you are naked in front of everyone else and they put you in all of these different hot tubs and saunas, and then they put you on this massage table and exfoliate your entire body, dump buckets of warm water on you, give you a full body massage, wash your hair, do a wrap on your body, wash and massage your face, dump the buckets on you again, scrup your body down with salt, then you shower and hot tub again, then you get reflexology. it is amazing. and that is my birthday present from her!!! wow!! then we're all going to see a movie together :)

then monday we're thinking about a day trip to vegas but not sure. then tuesday morning everyone leaves, including my roommate, and i'm all alone to prepare for my surgery and stuff.

get back to life. process everything that has happened,

all in all, except for a couple of things that i can't change, today was a good day and tonight was a great night. there is something that i asked the universe for that i got and now i'm not sure if i was ready. now i have to deal with accepting it. now i have to deal with knowing that i am worth it.

i am worth what i want.

today, i...

got into a fistfight with a man in his forties on the bus, because i was trying to let the old women onto the bus first. the bus was almost an hour late, it was in the high eighties, i was holding the line to let the elderly women on first and he called me a bitch and told me to do my 'cunt bitch good samaritan work on someone else's time'. and then i looked at his face when my tears came, and the look of satisfaction that said that he had beat every woman he had ever fucked, and that my tears made him happy, and that he won, something in my snapped, and i just went fucking crazy and snapped on him and started fucking hitting him. i won.

saw my cousin whom i haven't seen in eight years. he's older than me and always used to pick on me and called me, drunk, not too long ago and went into a tirade about how i always fuck black people, so at first i was nervous. but we had a really good conversation and he talked to me about his drinking problem. our family and their cult really fucked us up. :(

finalized something that broke my heart. really sad. :(

was given an article in the science section by my boss. i like being that girl...that is given an article from the science section from her boss. and then we got most of the office engaged in dialogue about it...i explained it to them and broke it down and told them what it meant on a basic level. it was awesome.

got a hug. my last one with that smell?

i'm so frickin perplexed and stressed. i want so much more.

:(

i run with scissors too

the thing that i love so much about my computer is that even though i'm in bed is that i can continue to live. i can shop and talk (type) to my friends. i can read about my medicines and my symptoms and plan out my recovery and look for the color that i want to paint my room, i can 'live', even though i'm not allowed out of bed.

my neuro sent me to the hospital today. i'm feeling somewhat better. yay! i'm going back to work tomorrow. i only have two weeks of work left before the surgery. it's finally creeping up quickly.

wow. soon, i will be on the other side of a hysterectomy. unbelievable.

i've lost so much weight. one of my girlfriends the other day made a comment about how tiny and fragile i look now, how i seem to barely be, and how she was going through pictures from when i was in the Roots Okay Players Ladies Month - i think i was Miss July, and how i don't even look like the same person any more. and it's true. i was so thick then...and the reason anyone even noticed me at all is because the boys noticed how thick my hips and thighs were, 'especially for a white girl', and so i didn't get treated like a newbie at all. lol.

and that may seem laughable, but i was uber sick, it's when i first got so sick the first time, and i was on bed rest for six months, and had to mov back in with my family b/c the hospital wouldn't release me to anyone except for them b/c i lived alone. so, my aunt and uncle drove from texas, like a 13 or 14 hour drive, and picked me up, and in one and a half days i had to give everything away and sale everything and be out. and then be on bedrest trapped in a house with my intensely psycho-religious family. so that message board provided me with outside contact and friends, people to interact with.

lol. i've chosen winners for my snail mail contest. it was awesome and one my 'gooder' ideas!!

i hope that all is well with you, my readers. i finally have a lessening in my head pain and i'm relieved.

:)

the poem

my friend, the author and playwright, he comforts me. his love and his messages and such, they comfort me. the thing is, he's backwards, he has it backwards, in his book and in other places, he thanks me for inspiring him and his words. he says that i am an inspiration. but really, i'm just a girl with a disease who is willing to share my struggle. that only makes me special because he cares.

anyway - he wrote me a poem, the most amazing poem, that i read every day and that i love so much and that makes me cry - in the book, he wrote poems inpired by me or poems on topics that i gave him, but this poem...this poem is about me. this poem is...special.

this is my poem:

once upon a time
there was a girl
who was so good at life
the gods got a little jealous.
she gets it
they'd say.
understands the value of
beauty and brains
the value of food and music
bacon and hip-hop
the value of sex and love
and drugs and sobriety
she understands the value
of it all and of balance
and of not taking any of it
too seriously or too lightly.

this level of understanding
of getting it
was all too much for these proud gods to take.
and so
they rained plagues
stormed hardship against her brow
employed dragons, parasites, demons
hired ninjas -ninjas, man!
worked the girl
day through night
attempting to crack her indomitable spirit

she cried
gnashed teeth
suffered loss
massive, unreplenishable loss
was beat to her knees
to her chest
to her soul

but she got up.
looked at the gods.
forgave them.
and smiled.

and we, watching helpless, cried joyful,
and we, finally,
understood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amazing.

sometimes i feel like i am floating.
and unmoored.

and no one gets it, or me at all.

like i am all alone because no one even wants to try to understand what it is like to feel this way so much.

but i am not alone. there are people that care. there are people that care enough to try to give it their own words, their own expression, their own artistic viewpoint to show me beauty, there are people who have been sending me package after package so that i come home to something lovely almost every day so that i am focusing on that instead of my looming surgery.

there are people who care enough to come from different cities to hang out with me and bring me juice and call me every day to see how i am and not be offended when i don't anwer.

i am not alone in the world.

today, my boss told me that i look like walking death

that is what i look like with a migraine. today, i was in hour 33 of a migraine when he said that. i am now in hour 41 of the migraine. i have taken five doses of the medicine, given myself a shot, taken the narcotics, had body work done. nothing is staving it.

according to my neurologist, it has reached my central nervous system and will last four days. it hurts so bad that my speech is slurred and my eyes are twitching.

i did not get out of bed until 7 p.m. yesterday. i went back to bed at midnight, after giving myself a shot of anti-inflammatories, a shot of narcotics and taking a sleeping pill. i woke up at 6.30, feeling like someone was hammering spikes into my brain.

i emailed my boss that if i came it at all, it wouldn't be until noonish, i then took another handful of pills and went back to sleep. i got to work at 12.36, looking as lovely as i described.

and my boss said - 'whoa, you look like the walking dead.'

they were compassionate, don't get me wrong. she suffers migraines, they got me the best neurologist in the country, and he is always researching the new info for migraine sufferers and passing it along to both of us, utilizing the doctors on the board of his non-profit any time that new info is presented that we don't understand.

seriously, he calls me upstairs and we conference call chiefs of staff of huge name hospitals so that i can ask them questions about articles in medical/science magazine regarding migraines and treatment.

but yeah, i don't look so hot. and he's not so suave with the words.

i actually ate half a cheeseburger, b/c they forced me too, probably the most solid food i've eaten in any one sitting in forever.

rob's coming next week, i'm excited. he's currently picking out our seats for the roots concert (thanks yo, for knowing that my head just hurts too bad to fuck with it). so, it's going to be a weekend full of love - my birthday party on friday night, which i've got friends willing to fly in for!, the roots concert on saturday, the superbowl on sunday, and then i think we're going to take a road trip to vegas on monday! yay!

so the girl i liked the best in the office just resigned.

blech blfaiodioagnvnl;nrfhatioh;ragnlanlnflhrhieahriahdnfan;.

my fucking head hurts and i want a hug but i got nobody to hug me.

:(

my heart is hurting

my heart is hurting and it matches my physical self. now everything is hurting.

i spent, before 7.40 pm tonight, approximately 18 hours in bed due to one of the worst migraines in the history of my hormonal migraines. so miserable. vomiting. sleeping. crying. crying. vomiting.

my immune system, my poor immune system. i feel that i have reached the crescendo of the test. ever since the last, unplanned, treatment, i've been continually hurting/aching/sick. it takes five to seven days for the full shit storm to begin. so, my treatment was fifteen days ago. in the last ten days, i have had the flu, three migraines, strep, mono, and my liver levels have gone through the roof. in ten days.

my joints ache. every part of my body hurts. seriously. i wake up and cry because i have to get up and start my day. i cry myself to sleep because i only want someone to hold me and hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, because i am scared. i have never been exactly here before and i am so scared.

in less than 3 weeks, i am going to have a hysterectomy. i get to stop chemo. i'm going to go to sleep and while i'm sleeping, my #1 ranked surgeon in the country is going to, with the help of robots, perform a radical hysterectomy and abdominal reconstruction.

then i'm going to wake up and every thing that has been a fact but something that could be rectified by medical science is going to be set in stone - i will never be able to have a baby. i will be in menopause for the rest of my life. i wil be on hormone replacemet therapy...wearing an estrogen patch. At 30. The most important risks are a great risk for cervical and colon cancer, so i must be checked for those every 3 months, as I can never stop wearing the patch. hahahahahahaha. How ludicrous it all sounds.

Then - the best part - this is the best of the options, this is the life saving measure. This is what will improve my quality of life and turn it around. This is my happy choice.

so, the closer it gets, the more i get scared. i know that i shouldn't becaise i'm grown. but i am afraid.

true affection

it doesn't take forever for someone to decide that you're worthy of affection. or some of their special time. or energy. or money. or whatever it is that they deem as what they give to someone special in their life. or what you're looking for from someone that makes you feel special. or what you need when you're down. or troubled. or hurting.

i've been troubled. and down. and hurting. and needing true affection. gentleness. softness. hugs and tenderness and something that represents physically an acknowledgement of my pain and a feeling of 'i know that i can't carry this for you, and that i can't carry you through it, but i can hold you here right now'.

i've been needing that. and if that makes me needy, well then, after nine months of chemotherapeutic treatments and hormone suppression and chemically induced menopause and anti-seizure medication that affects cerebral function when i don't have seizures and androgen suppressant and anti-anxiety and anti this and that and all of the rest - i will be needy if that is what wanting some physical attention in the weeks before the removal of my reproductive organs makes me.

so, for a while there i still cared about labels. i cared that certain people knew that i am drawn to women as well. there are certain people that i didn't want to know still. now, this day, i do not give a fuck. i met this girl - this woman. we have been emailing and talking on the phone. and because it is necessary when bringing anyone into my life right now, she knows my story, the full thing. and so she comes over last night and while we are talking...she is asking me questions because she wants to know, she's curious about me and cares about the answers, something that hasn't happened in my dating in months, and while we are talking she tells me that since she has heard the biggest part of my story she has just wanted to give me a hug and asks me if she can give me a hug.

instantaneously, she tapped in to what it is that i need and want right now. the touch. the compassion. she told me how amazing i am, and how inspiring. after a while, she said that i have been sick for a while and asked me if my body ached. she cared if my body ached!!!??!!!! i said that i have reached the place of always pain. and she offered to give me a full body massage!!!!!

touch. soft gentle touch all over my entire body?? do you know how long i have craved this, wanted this, begged for this??? softness and gentleness and touch all over my body. and so i showered and laid naked in my bed and she crawled up on me and proceeded to give me a full body massage. and as she did, as she lotioned and touched me, she told me such nice/awesome things about the parts of my body that she was touching...she told me how much she liked my thighs and ass, how much she liked my shape, how much she liked that my waist came in like that...she played with my nipple rings and rubbed my hands. she extra rubbed my shoulders and my back.

and then...oh my god there's an and then...and then, she laid beside me and held me and stroked me and kissed my forehead and my nose and just kept telling me how pretty and inspiring and strong and all of these tings that i am, and then she put her head between my legs and brought me to this place where my teeth were chattering. i mean,, oral has happened to me once or twice in the past year and a half. i've been dreaming about it. and she just did it. with no expectation of reciprocation. she just wanted to make me feel good. but she was sincere. she really thinks taht i'm beauiful. and that i deserved her time and affection and attention. and it was awesome.

wow.

and then i have a date with P on sunday. he's a black guy from London whose best friend had hysterectomy last year around the holdiays and who understands what am going through and thinks that i just need to get out and be me distraccted and not me sitting in the house thinking about the surgery. he thinks that i am hot - lol, he used those words 'you are absolutely hot', which shocked e b/c i have never been referred to as that!! but he is attractive and well educated and nice to me, very complimentatryl we'll see.

heartburn from saffron rice?

please hear my anguished words of truth

so because my bosses sometimes love me, and they are of the affluent beverly hills country club cancer survivor variety, my team of medical professionals are of the best that money can buy. so when i woke up today at 1.50 (this is very late for me) feeling again like i couldn't turn my head and couldn't swallow and couldn't move, i called my doctor in tears and told him how i felt. he told me that he would open his office to see me and to meet me there. i got there and he got there and he prepared a room as the cleaning people had not been there (he worked an 18 hour shift in the emergency room last night and looked exhausted).

so, he cleaned the room and put all of the tools that he would need out, without complaining, simply telling me how exhausted i looked and how much he worried for me and how much i needed to take a break from my job. so he laid me down and did a full exam and bam, i have strep throat and my mono is reactive. he had called the lab tech in to rush the rest of the blook work back so there's more stuff to wait for but those two on top of everything else that has been going on is just 'fucking bleach'.

so fucking annoying. i'm so tired of being sick. i'm so tired of my body being run down my these chemo treatments and not being able to handle the regular contact with the outside world.

i have 20 bottles in my prescription medicine area, where i have to set up my medicine conainer for the day. i spend over 500 dollars a week on doctor's appointment copays and medicine copays. i'm tired of being broke and having to validate buying the tennis shoes that i want when they're on sale because i have bills due with my surgeon and my neurologist and my pain speciialist and my pain management therapist and my urologist and my gynocologist and my pharmacy solutions who dispenses my chemo and my internist and my psychiatrist and i have hundreds of thousands of dollars of in outstanding medical bills.

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. AND I WANT SOME OLD SCHOOL CONVERSE!!!

my life has been altered so much. which is fine, for the most part, on a daily level, i can deal with it.
but sometimes, sometimes i get so tired.

sometimes i need some attention.

sometimes i want to be held and stroked and told that everything is gonin to be okay like when i was little and i would fall and my grandma would scoop me ino her lap and rock me and tell me over and over that everything was going to be okay, that no matter what she was there.

i don't have that person now. i don't have anyone who, no matter what, is going to be there.

i am all alone in the world.

i am going to, like i did last year, wake up from my surgery completely alone and disoriented and i guess what i should be is glad to wake up.

but i want someone who is going to be there for me.

just do.

i want someone who will bring me soup when i have strep throat and who will rent movies with me and just lay there with me and who will be there with me during the next few weeks through this very challenging time.

i haven't don't well for myself. i haven't made wise choices.

my therapist used to have reproductive cancer

she has very similar treatments and very similar hormonal experiences.

it was no 'coincidence' that out of the eight names they gave me, i chose hers from the middle of the page.

you can't imagine what it's like to have someone who actually knows, 100%, physically mentally and emotionally, what i'm talking about when i talk about a reaction to a certain drug or a certaiin hormonal response or a panic-ish feeling.

she answers my emails in about half an hour.

she says 'when i was sick...'

i love her.

she also works for the FBI, which is awesome, since i love to talk about when i 'went to spy school.' lol.

she's also an m.d. and has decided to give me extra pain meds until my surgery b/c she wants me to be completely calm and i'm dealing with some other pretty heavy life shit (the mom, the guy, the job) and she said that my insurance is going to send her an instrusive form about where else i'm getting the pain medications and she's going to throw it out because what the fuck do they think i'm going to do with these pills when they are so willingly selling liquor and cigarettes!

i am really happy that i found her. otherwise, my life is pretty shitty right now. :(

there's this thread

my life is changing, pulling in, falling apart but at the same time, the gaps and seams are pulling together, if that makes any sense. all i know i that there's this thread.

a few times in the past few weeks i have been told by healers that i am going through what i am because i am going to be a healer, and i have to understand true suffering, true aloneness, to know how to handle it and relate to it with others.

last week, at the news stand, a man said to me, you're going through the chemo aren't you? my treatments aren't typical and people seldom recognize it so i was stunned but said yes and then listened to him tell me the story of his wife, the cancer survivor and then, the cancer victim. this strong, courageous, beautiful woman who never stopped being funny or strong. even dying she was funny and strong. and i stood on the street laughing and crying with this man, knowing what it was like for him to know that she wasn't really - that she was exhausted and that that hurt him to know, and that he needed someone else to know that and that he was so glad that he found me, so happy that he could shed his tears with me.
and i wondered if that was what being a healer was like.

tonight, i was standing on the bus and a man was standing to the side of me and he just kept staring. normally, i would be closed off to the world but i haven't been able to find my iPod so i've actually been having to participate and it's teaching me some things. anyway, i kept noticing him out of the corner of my eye just staring at me and finally i looked up and he had tears in his eyes and he said 'i'm not meaning to stare at you, you just have the most striking resemblance to someone who was very dear to me, it's shocking really, in profile. and in full face, really, except that you are thinner. but you are even making the same contemplative, pensive faces that she did at the....' 'well, i'm just shocked'

and i said ' no, it's okay, it happens in life' but then i felt that it wasn't enough. so i asked, was it your wife. ad he said 'yes' and so i asked how but before i even had the words out of my mouth i knew what the answer was going to be...i knew that cancer was going to be our thread. and so he told me the story of her diagnosis and her struggle and how beautiful she was, just like me, how the similarity was so much, and how they dreamed the cancer at the same time but neither realized the significance at the time, about how much of what we live we don't realize the importance of until it is too late because we're like the Christian warriors - it is only after too much war that we seek peace. and he spoke of religion and philosophy and seeking peace, he spoke of diet and health and love and how once your heart bursts open, it can be hurt again, but not like that so much because it's already burst.

and all that i kept saying is 'there's this thread'. and there is this thread...pushing and pulling my life together in all of these ways. something major is about to happen. all of these meetings and spiritual encounters they aren't accidents, none of this is coincidence.

my life is taking a new direction. my 30 - i'm open to it.

i am more alone than i have ever known

and this is for the best.

it is what i'm supposed to know.

i don't know how to live

yesterday, i had a manic episode. i didn't know what a manic episode was, personally, before yesterday. but now i do and for the people who live with it as a result of their own body/brain and not as a result of medicine, i am so sorry.

13 days ago, i met an older, famous woman whom i spoke to briefly. during our conversation, she told me that i was not at all what she expected and that she was kooky but that she thought that i was going through what i was because i was meant to be a healer and it was only through extreme suffering that i could understand and be sympathetic to the pain of others and that she had the name of someone that she wanted me to see.

last week, i saw an alternative healer/massage therapist to get a massage and some body work done/my chakras realigned to start the new year. at the end of the body work, she told me that the guide had told her that i was strong, that i literally could 'ride the beast', and that i was going to be a healer but that i had to know my bottom first in order to truly feel the pain of others.

this week, my surgeon told me that the damage to the nerves in my pelvic floor and that area has been so great that after my surgery and the removal of my cervix, i may not be able to have orgasms with intercourse any more. something kind of snapped in me. i've been freaking out. devolving.

and when they called to tell me that my additional chemo treatment that i have to take was going to be in today and that i have to pay $2300 when i get there, something fucking broke in me. literally. i felt something break.

my spirit snapped. like, what the fuck have i been fighting for? if i'm going to be 30 and broke and unable to enjoy sex and gray and sallow and just, exhausted and bitter. and i started crying. and i called this person. and i flipped out about something so retarded. and i couldn't breathe. and i couldn't stop crying.

and i said the most mean things that i have ever said. things that i haven't thought before. but my filter was gone. and it was like, i was so angry, and so hurt, and so confused about why my life keeps having these things thrown at it when i try so hard to be good to people, that i was lashing out - i was lashing out at someone who tries his best to be good to me. i was hurting. and so i was trying to inflict hurt? i've never been where i was. i know now that i was manic.

after five hours of crying, i called my insurance and got the names of some therapists. b/c i knew the exact location of the building, i called one, and i was rambling onto her machine and she picked up...it was late and i was lucky.

crazily enough, as i started telling her my story, she told me that she has been through this exact same disease and treatment. exact same. she talked to me for an hour on the phone and told me that where i was was not my fault. and she saw me at 8 this morning for two hours.

she says that i am in a major depressive place with major panic disorder due to 8 months of chemotherapeutic and other drugs and secondary to the fear of what losing my reproductive organs is going to do to my womanhood and my sexuality.

i am not in a good place. i've been slowly withdrawing from the world. i know that people think that i'm self absorbed and probably i am lost in the sea of me, but every day is such a fucking struggle and i think that if i had just gone home last night, i probably would have killed myself. i'm just tired. so tired.

but it's crazy, that out of all of the names on that list, i called the person who has been through exactly this, who actually 'knows' what i'm going through and can relate on a personal level. that's fate, maybe.

i'm just asking for your prayers - however you pray, whoever you pray to.

i'm getting my last treatment today and it's going to make me really sick b/c of all of the dental work and the toll that it has taken on me physically.

i'm beat up. and i'm struggling. and i cry and i'm breaking and i am alienating the people who actually have to watch me go through this. and i know that you have a choice to click and read, so if you did, please just take a moment and hold me up to the light.

i fucking hate me right now.

i can't stop crying. i've been crying for more than four hours.

i'm so scared. i'm scared about getting another treatment tomorrow on top of the daily suppression that i've been on, which is making me crazy. i'm scared about my surgery that is coming up so soon.

but, who knows if it would be making me this crazy if i could eat. not eating is making me crazy. and constant mouth pain is making me crazy. and the amount of narcotics and antibiotics that i'm taking is making me crazy.

i am unstable. i'm behaving unacceptably, but i can't stop. i just can't stop. i can't stop crying or being like this. i'm terrified and it just keeps piling on.

it's like, for a second i thought that i could breathe, i got good news and i thought that i could breathe.

but then my surgeon started calling me all of the time and my jaw got infected and i started having to have extra surgeries and yesterday i had to have another emergency surgery and now i'm $3600 past the initial $5400 that i paid for dental work and my doctor needs $2300 tomorrow to give me my treatment and i have to have my treatment which is going to make me sick.

and i'm so hungry and my body is geeking out. my everything hurts. my head and eyes and mouth and joints and back and neck and muscles. i can't sleep. my eyes are red rimmed and now i'm consumed with the knowledge that i may not, most likely will not, be able to have orgasms after my surgery and i'm starting to think...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO THIS FOR??????? oh my god why did i do this? why did i fight and struggle and do this?

i flipped out on my grandma today. i flipped out on my sister. i pay their bills and they each made some comment and i just flipped out. i have a great job and work extra freelance work and as of now, i am officially struggling due to this medical shit. i cannot believe where i am. i look around at the terrain at this place that is the landscape of my life and i am so confused.

i am so confused. and angry. and i'm freaking out and lashing out. and today i did things that are atypical of the me that i've been for a long time. i said mean, hurtful, spiteful things. i hate that. i hate that me.

i love the people that i said those things to. i'm such a bitch. i've let this disease and these medicines win. i might as well have just gone to bed. the strength to get up and put on clothes and go sit at a desk is nothing if i'm acting like a jerk.

i feel horribly.

someone that i used to date

had a baby today. well, the person that he's dating now had a baby today. his baby. he's excited. that is so nice, to see a life enter the world that the parents are excited about.

it is nice to see him happy.

i'm sure she's beautiful. :)

cheers!