on the dark side of the moon & i have no coat

i don't know what to do about how i feel right now...

my hormone replacement isn't enough. my doctor wants to wait to increase it, give it some time and see if my body will catch up or adapt, because any increase in dosage is an increase in the risk of side effects and i'm the youngest person he's ever done this to.

i'm 30 and have to be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. this is major. so, they have to start slow. i get this. i truly do. but damn i feel like i'm drowning. like i'm all alone in this shit.

i don't know anyone who knows what this is like. i upset my roomie this morning and i didn't mean to, it's just that i was having these horrid dreams - i've been having them for four nights. and i couldn't pull myself out of it. and just like when i'm awake, i felt like i was falling into this dark hole - the abyss. and everything bad could possibly happen was going to. and i'm scared - terrified, but i don't know of what.

it's all darkness and hormones that are so much bigger and stronger than me. body chemistry that i can't control.

so, i call my grandma hoping for comfort and she tells me that 'you need to get on top of this, take control, stop it.'

stop it? uhm, i'm trying. i push myself to take walks and go for hikes and smile and laugh and make jokes. it's only been 3 weeks since this invasive, traumatic shit happened to my body. for real, stop it???

i am falling apart today.

this is the worst day that i have had since the surgery...if there are peaks and valleys, today is the lowest point in the valley that i have encounered. i have cried spots into my glasses. i have cried myself into a headache, a runny nose.

i don't understand how to make it better when it's something that i can't fix...there's no magic potion. it's body chemistry and hormones and it's not just something i can *decide* and it's better.

over and over, i try to just pick up the pieces and be focused on being positive. but today i don't have it. whatever i need, i don't have it.

today i want to throw things and today i want someone who understands and today i want everyone to shut the fuck up because they DON'T know what this feels like. they don't get it. i don't even get it.

i'm so sad. i'm so hurting. i just want my normal back. :(

bedrest again :(

i have a pelvic infection...it was a possibility and it has happened and it hurts very badly. between that and it being 81 degrees and me feeling unable to breathe, i feel like i'm losing it. i am snappy. i'm in pain. i'm moody. my hormones are going crazy. ich.

but, the two days before this have been magnificent. he played hookie on Friday and we hung out and went for a hike. then, we went for unique ice cream at Mashti Malones (i had a scoop of Mango and a scoop of Ginger!) - then we went to the 12.30 a.m. opening show of 300~! I snuck us into a different line and we got into the theater before everyone else and got amazing seats before all of the rigamarole. it was a great movie and i really like seeing movies with him. we have the same taste in movies, but we also like the same parts. and he was really enjoying my enjoyment. lol.

then, he took me to the all night store to indulge my hormonal craving for sugar and salt.

before that, though, before the movie and everything and while waiting on dinner - all of the sudden i felt like i was tumbling into a black abyss. like everything was wrong and nothing was ever going to be right again. like pain and despair were closing in around me. and i just started sobbing hyserically. out of control. i felt like i had reached the worst possible place ever.

and then i realized that i was late on changing my hormone patch, so i did so, and i ate some food and started to breathe. and things started to get normal again.

but while i was crying like that...he came in and laid there beside there, and held me, and told me why i felt like that (hormones, only 2 weeks past major surgery, etc) and just comforted me. so amazing.

the movie was really good. on Saturday, we slept in. we got up and then, he laid beside me in bed and read my gossip blogs!!! lol. and then, we went for these pancakes that i've been craving (Sow Your Oats - pancakes with oats, cinnamon and honey, no syrup!!), and picked up my medicine. then he put the top down and drove me over to this Mansion with open grounds in Beverly Hills.

he walked the entire grounds with me and let me stop for pics, took pics for me, let me take pics of him, and didn't mind that i wanted to take lots of pics of him. it was so nice...but i started hurting really badly and i felt like i needed to come home.

i came home and took my medicine and then got more and more sick - just laying there moaning and saying i didn't feel well, and then i started throwing up. he took such good care of me while all of that was happening - rubbing my feet and getting me water and making me tea and just being so amazing. he even painted my toenails for me when i felt better enough to need to be distracted. :)

i have an infection and i don't feel good. today i slept almost all day and stayed in bed for the rest of it. i am hoping to feel better tomorrow.

but i am lucky to have goodness in my life despite the bad.

i took a lot of photos of our walks this weekend - they are on my flickr page!

Black Snake Moan | Modeling | Big East Tourney

i'm really disappointed with this movie. my doctor let me go to see a movie last night...he & i both wanted to see 300 but i thought that it had opened already and didn't realize that it doesn't open until the 9th. so, we settled for both of our 2nd choice - Black Snake Moan.

my first issue with it is that they took an approach that made everyone think that they are actually going to address the issues and then they just ignore them or gloss over them. mostly, they gloss over them. like when SamL talks about how 'she's a half-naked white woman that will fuck anything'...that's where they leave it. ugh.

and Justin Timberlake can NOT act. at all. ugh. so hard to watch. :( so hard. meh.

i got a call back from the only agency that i sent my digital look book to. they are going to use me for print modeling. they love my face and my skin. lol. so i'm meeting with them on Monday to look over the contract and talk about work. we've been conversing and i think this is going to be what i need it to be.

are you ready for the Big East Tournament?? *gets my position in the pool ready*

i'm so glad that my doc is letting me do some stuff!!! and i'm starting to feel better. yay!!!

The 2 Week Report

Okay, I just saw my surgeon for my two week visit and here's the news for those of you who have been vigilant in following up with me...

~the pathology came back highly abnormal and completely fucked on all reproductive organs, so they may be able to get me out of the entire 30% of cost that i'm supposed to be responsible for b/c it was so intensely warranted and those results basically show that even though he's out of network, he's the only surgeon that legitimately could have done it with all of those obstacles!

~he has never seen anything like it, but my appendix pathology came back proliferated and damaged - which they know mean that it was most likely about to burst *at any second*, but also that it was possibly the first pre-cancerous appendix that he has seen. they have never seen anything like its pathology on an appendix and they are studying it.

~i am healing amazingly well b/c i did so much good to prepare for my surgery and i have continued to utilize my holistic methods post-surgery - i need anti-biotics but he is going to let me use probiotics first and see if it works.

~even though he is not releasing me, i have been so good that i can take some walks and go for swims on my roof b/c it will be good for me to start engaging my muscles since i'm taking such good care of me.

~he is going to testify for my disability.

~he said that 'you're so out there...not in a bad way, but you'r so positive and just *you* all of the time. you don't care, you don't owe anyone explanations, you're funny and nice and you're taking your life and your health into your own hands. it's really amazing. you're my favorite surgery patient ever and i think that you are going to have a fantastic and amazing life now...i'm happy that i could do this for you, but you're doing it for you too.'

that was so nice to hear - renowned surgeons don't say things like that and he's a genuine guy so i know he meant it!

~he took me over to the surgical floor and i saw all of my nurses and they were so excited to see me and i'm going to start volunteering on that floor - talking to the women who have had similar surgeries and aren't dealing well - once a week.

~i get to scale down to only 3 meds now!!!! from over 30 pills and shots a day to only 5-7!!!!

i am so happy!! i'm exhausted but i'm happy!!!!!!

how are you?

all that any of this is is a successive series of acts of faith (thx Adam)

this life, our interactions with people, knowing what is the right step, the wrong one, the right place to put your trust and love, the right gods to worship, the right person to give your vulnerability to...all of it,

it's about faith. and softness...being willing to see intentions and character rather than solely an action that you disapprove of or disagree with, being willing to see intentions instead of solely your past and your perceptions...

A Successive Series of Acts of Faith. that's all.

~~~~>

i've got a red hot heart/if the talk is true his is the same/we should be together/let our passions fan loves flame

i've a got a red hot heart/say there's fire down below/say it's only smoke and ashes baby...

sometimes a person can show you something amazing when you're standing of the middle of what you think is you being broken by your decision to let go and let love...

sometimes, you have to stand and look when someone is showing you what you maybe never would have learned otherwise about their character.

sometimes, even though in this life it is hard to imagine based on experience, sometimes people man the fuck up and own their mistakes and then stand there and tell you that you are worth fixing their mistake for - sometimes, without any kind of asking, someone will want so desperately to correct what they have done to you that they will say the most articulate, intelligent and genuine things about something so much deeper than just this situation without even realizing that they are.

so - those of you in the know.

there was/is a this thing...and you know me enough to know that for me, this was a dead end sign. already. and all of the signs were pointing to something deeper and more amazing than i ever imagined possible in my life.

and so, i was genuinely feeling the beginning of a heartbreak, and sincerely questioning the gods. b/c why? i mean, seriously, why? after all of the shit that i have lived in the past two years, this too. aaaaagggggghhhhh.

but, i talked to my therapist last night via email (she loves me even when she's in Pakistan!!) and i talked to a very trusted older confidante, who has managed to build a successful and loving ten year relationship with someone that he respects and trusts, which we all know is so rare, and i didn't let the anger come in.

i let me hurt, but i did not allow the mad. and i took the advice of the people that i trust. and so, today i searched for the truth...

and i believe that i have found it. i believe that it is possible to make a mistake that you don't know how to fix for the right reasons. i believe that i have made the same kind of mistake. and, i believe that so much of it comes down to intent.

i believe that what was there was genuine and amazing and possibly this is part of the plan, to teach us about ourselves and each other and how we handle the difficulties that are always going to present themselves.

i know that on a planet of billions of people, the term soul mate is disgusting...i've always hated that term. but, i also believe that sometimes the gods give us exactly what we deserve and are asking for, and that can make you feel like using words like soul mate.

because it's delicious and wonderful and you feel like you have to use words different from the ordinary to express how magical you feel. and you know that it hurts to live honestly, but you've found this place where it feels safe to do so. and you reconcile that the risk is inherent - it is hard to let go and fall completely because what if it ends? what if something happens and it hurts? no one wants to be more vulnerable to hurt than we are already just by being, but does that mean that you push away the things and people that you find ...just so that there is no risk of losing it??

yes. for some people. yes for all of us at some time maybe. yes for me not very long ago. i was content to stay in something that was providing me absolutely nothing that i truly wanted or needed for true happiness, and that was actually harming me, because there was no risk there. i knew that i wasn't going to get any of the magic, which made me not susceptible to the risk of it being ripped from me and me feeling that pain. that searing pain.

i have known the freedom of that kind of love and the searing pain of it being changed in my life. i have known the pain of feeling a year later like, 'if he thinks of me, if he misses me even once in a while, then i'll go back there and fill that place in his life. if he dreams of me like i dream of him, then i'll go back.'

i know the warmth of feeling like you can feel the beating of someone's heart, walking around every day feeling their warmth and their smell even when they are thousands of miles away. that feeling of pleasure that even longing for them brings. and then the immeasurable pain when all that that was is represented by a hollow space in you, the actual physical pain that their absence provides.

and you spend so much time thinking about how all that you ever wanted was for their arms to be the place where all of your journeys ended. and wondering if they're holding a place for you in their heart like you are them in yours.


but anyway - in him, i felt that my prayers had been answered. i had been asking the universe to provide me what i felt that i deserved. i named everything that i wanted, needed, hoped for...i put it out there like my psychic and spiritual advisor told me to do. and then i kept hope alive. initially, that it was going to come from where i wanted it to even though my psychic told me that he was pretty sure that it wasn't, that that was a lost cause. and so finally, i changed my prayer to 'i'm ready for what i want from where you are ready to provide it', instead of 'i want him to _________________', because i am ready.

i didn't expect it to be that soon or that instantaneous. i didn't expect it to be a birthday present, lol. but when i stood up to meet him and shake his hand and we were standing there looking into each other's eyes and shaking hands and him telling me how beautiful i was and how he was so happy that i had let him come to my party b/c he had been wanting to meet me for so long and us just standing there all mesmerized and shit until Angela had to finally say something about sitting down (lol!), i was taken aback by the pull. that was something that has never happened to me before.

and as the night progressed and there were so many others vying for my attention (that night was bizarro, i got told that i looked beautiful and asked out several times, and a perfect stranger sent over a drink and told me happy birthday b/c he had asked my friend who i was and what the occasion was when she went to the restroom b/c he thought that i was 'superbly beautiful'), i kept finding myself being pulled back to his eyes. and smiling that smile that i know that i give when i'm locked onto something that i want to pull closer to me. i'm not slick! lol.

anyway, at the end of the night, he offered to give me a ride rather than me take a cab home, and i accepted. and as i was wrapping up and saying goodbye, he collected all of my things and as i came to join him, he held out my coat for me and then as i buttoned it, he wrapped me in my pashmina.

now - i have to tell you that everyone is always shocked about this, but i am huge about gentlemanly tendencies. like, if a man doesn't open the door for me, there is no second date. i notice shit like if he doesn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, if he starts to eat before me, if he grabs and holds open my coat, guides me with his hand on the small of my back if i have to walk in front of him, these are things that i was raised by my grandma to believe were the only acceptable way to be treated. and yes, it's old school and i've accepted less, but the older and more deserving i get, the more i know that i *won't* accept less.
because i am the woman who deserves it. to the man that i want it from. from day one.

so, this coat thing is something that i've watched my uncle do for my aunt my whole life...and there's always just been something really intimate and *shiver* about it...in the way they look at each other & their bodies react when she would turn around and face him as she put it on...that looking in their eyes on each other as he was doing this kind and completely extra thing for her. i don't know, but something about it kind of sums up what i want in a weird way.

and when he was holding it for me arm to arm, and then i turned to face him and he looked me in my eyes and wrapped my pashmina around me, something went 'uh oh'. b/c i probably knew that if that was for real, i could maybe fall.

so, when he expressed his interest in getting to know me more, i was really excited. and when we went to the museum and he said - 'well, let's see the photography exhibit first b/c i know that you are a photographer and that that is the one that you want to see.' snap. i was so excited - it's been so long since i've been treated like a woman whose desires were important, fuck it, like i've been treated like a woman at all. it's been so long since the person that i'm spending my time with has recognized it as an honor that i was doing so and treated me like he needed to deserve it!

and he would come up to me and give me attention and then walk away. and the more that we talked the more that we have in common, the more that we smiled and laughed, the more that it was clear that we were both feeling the same way...

and it continued. after the cookies. after the first few interactions. the points of time when things usually change - no, we were staying the same. and it was all happening so fast and so intensely b/c life was forcing that for us. when you start dating someone who faces a life-threatening surgery very early in your relationship, i think maybe it's hard on you too. maybe it forces you to think about this person as someone who may not be there - when we are used to taking people for granted - and you think about things you normally wouldn't about them. and DO you want them to not be there...b/c that's what not dating would be like? and if you decide that yes, you do want them there and there's the possibility that they may not be and not by choice, then you treat it with the utmost respect and care. b/c you want there to be no question in the universe of your intentions for this person and this thing that you find yourself in the middle of...

maybe? that is just my interpretation.

but, anyway! ~i was falling in love with this man. he treats me better than i ever imagined possible EVERY DAY. he is consistent. he is affectionate. he is caring. he is helpful. he is physically fit and attractive. he is strong. he is sexually interested & interesting. yes, these things are all almost equally important. and he is these things that i want.

and then BAM. something happened that threatened all of it, out of nowhere, when i wasn't feeling well. and this is my chance to practice what i have been learning. to look to the universe. to meditate and pray on it. to listen to my heart and follow what i 'feel' instead of what logic tells me. to take every single important thing into consideration rather than jump off of the launchpad of my previous experiences and hurt and make a decision that may ultimately not be the one that the universe had planned for me.

i can be the me that i have always been - but am i willing to keep living the life that i have always lived?
or, i can do something different and new - and hope for newness and continued greatness in my new life.

and so, i am following my heart. i am taking all of the information into consideration...i have spoken with my therapist and my friend who knows me and has my best interest at heart and i am taking a giant leap of faith and choosing love.

lol. this is so not me but i actually feel more content and at peace than i have been - especially in the past few days.
i am choosing comfort and affection and the pursuit of building something worth us. i am being the change that i want to see in my life.

i am putting my faith in him to be the man that he has asked me to let him be to me, and in so doing, i am saying that i too am letting him put his faith in me to be the person that he deserves in return. no bullshit. no half-effort. no using this thing to penalize him for the next thing.

i am at the top of the page of a new chapter in my life...

(to be continued)

although my pride is not easily disturbed,

you should be quiet when you kick me.

i'm just going to distract me

by just free posting.

there is lots of new music lately - first, Regina Spektor. really liking this one. DL'd one song on my own and then got the hookup on the disc for dg. Yay!!!

next, The Avalanches - my friend Robert hooked me up with this (one of the many gifts i got from him, including Gucci!) - anyway, it's different but i'm totally liking it!

also, i'm listening to a lot of the Strokes right now as well.

Books - i'm reading the world is flat (http://www.amazon.com/World-Flat-Updated-Expanded-Twenty-first/dp/0374292795/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086376&sr=8-1), which is really interesting - and i'm also concurrently reading The Laws of Evening (http://www.amazon.com/Laws-Evening-Mary-Yukari-Waters/dp/0743243331/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7877176-5353466?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173086553&sr=1-1).

i'm still addicted to Blind Date, but also - 30 Rock is quickly becoming a contendor for my #1 comedy, although The Office is still maintaining for right now. Workout is coming back on!!! yay! i still love horrible reality t.v. - lol.

movies lately - This Film is Not Yet Rated - documentary about the rating system used for motion pictures. it's really good. The Devil Wears Prada bored me and i got up and did something else. Clerks II - funny but not as funny as i expected. i rewatched Best in Show (we know how much i love my Christopher Guest!!). Street Fight is a really great political documentary. i also bought Super Troopers on the clearance rack at Target and laughed my ass off last night watching it!

i'm once again in love with Vice magazine - i finally found a place in l.a. that has it!! yay!! and of course, still my gossip blogs...

www.wwtdd.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com
www.asocialiteslife.com
www.teddyandmoo.com

so, those things along with my friends who inbox and PM me during the day are what is getting me through this time. this time of incredibly lonely and ugh.

i have a lot of thank you cards to write.

i'm crying again. :(

my thoughts are so loud that i can't hear my mouth.

*falls apart*

edit: i do not know what i did to the gods, to someone, to whatever - in a previous life or lives.

i can't escape that this one, this life, is retribution.

i keep hurting - everytime that i leave this bed, or allow someone in, or accept someone's kindness, it ends up hurting me so much.

and i'm not bouncing back anymore, i'm not recovering. the snap back is gone from the rubberband of me - i'm all stretched out.

once you start crying when you're battling hormone replacement therapy and new menopause, then you don't really stop - that's what i've thought this whole time. i've tried to distract myself from the tears even when they were just random moments of ich - because i've had this thought in my head that if i start, right now, then i might not stop. so just focus on the good - and there's been a lot of good to distract me.

but i started now. and this searing pain - they just keep coming one on top of the other and i'm barely able to catch my breath to deal with the next one. and maybe i don't deserve what i think that i deserve. maybe i deserve this. maybe i am wrong, i have been so wrong, and this struggle and this pain are mine.

this searing pain. fuck.

and everything was wonderful for a minute and i thought that that was what i deserved. i thougt that it was real and that it was finally the reality that i deserved. i started letting myself think that it was ok to be vulnerable and to relax.

i trusted my instinct and my honesty and my frailty and i put my guard down and i started to relax in that comfort and i can't breathe now.

i can't breathe now. there was this orgasm that caused me to sob, to open up and let go of the fear and just feel that moment where you don't have to be responsible for you - where you're just riding the wave of someone else and they are holding you there and so you can let go and still be moored. and not know that i could feel that again and not think that i could have hoped for that, only hours ago, and now i can't breathe.

i can't hurt like this right now. i can't think about this. i can't have this as my reality. i don't understand. i am hurting so much that if i could walk, i would be walking around aimlessly and so quickly trying to escape it.

my therapist left for pakistan this morning. my roommate has someone here from out of town. i don't know where to turn.

this is me breaking.

this is me breaking. i've got nothing left to deal with this. not a thing in the reserve tank. i'm out of my head here.



i do not understand what is happening. or why.

these are my confessions...|can you read my mind?

~i'm 30, unemployed, six days post-hysterectomy, in menopause, barely without cancer and terrified.

~i really, really like him. he's amazing and i wish that i wasn't struggling with this menopause/hormone patch/hormone replacement therapy. it's hard for me to even try to maintain, and i feel bad when i snap at people but especially him. i wish that i had even a little bit of normalcy.

~i hate bedrest and am really scared that i'm going to gain a lot of weight, which is the most weird thing for me to worry about.

~i went through a really internal and self-focused phase before my surgery - i was sick and sick of being sick and scared and i was selfish. some people are selfish for forever, and i'm a good person, so i think that it's okay that i went through this phase b/c it was part of dealing.
but - i accidentally pissed someone off on here. that was one of my favorite people. my head was just in a different space. i called to apologize and got treated like it was unthinkable that i be forgiven for angering her. so i gave it some time and space. recently, i sent her an inbox telling her that i miss her, and that i'm sorry that my selfish phase crossed her during that interaction and that i hope that she can forgive me. she didn't even acknowledge this inbox, which has made me more sad today then i'm sure i know how to process. i feel like i should at least be acknowledged, even if it's fuck you i'm not forgiving you.

so - i confess that i went through a selfish phase when i was exhausted and terrified. and so i beg forgiveness to everyone that my inability to handle adequately what was happening affected, and i hope that anyone i upset in any way, or do upset as i adjust to my permanent menopause and hormone replacement, will forgive me.

~i ordered a cheeseburger.

something is the matta' with me. well, lots of things, i guess. but one that's perplexing me. i keep getting my feelings hurt by this one person, who never treated me with fragility even though i told him i was fragile, who was never tender even though i told him that his roughness was breaking me. and i tried to leave it, to just walk away because i couldn't take it. and he wanted to still be friends and i told him what it would take to be my friend. but he just kept being what hurt me.

so i quit it. and so i keep being surprised every time he does something that totally matches all of the other things he did...that negates me and my feelings. that shows that he little to nothing of me. and it's so fucking frustrating and annoying, to be such a nice person to the people in your life that you care about and get that in return. and i'm tired of being hurt and angered by it.

i wish that i could not be bothered, that i could learn to just accept it when it happens, shelve it and walk away. why does it hurt when someone will tell you that they love you and then treat you like shit? why can't it just be - oh, okay. meh.

anyway, i'm not sure about this dose of hormone replacement. i'm really short and spazzy today. and i was short with my dude, even though i didn't want to be. it just comes out, but it's worse now than it was...my brain is still freaking out about my body's lack of sex organs.

i just want to be held. i'm like Brit Brit, what that guy said about her. if i'm in his arms, then i'm ok right then. i feel like my body and brain can relax and things will be ok. like i'm not going to not be able to get up and go to the bathroom, or like the pain isn't this nagging thing that is dragging me down. but i don't want to be needy so i hold myself back and don't just say, 'will you please just be here and hold me?'

nothing is ever easy all of the time, but i wish that i could have some ease. just a little bit of ease. some occasional ease.
i'm tired of the struggle and the pain. i'm ready for the life i've always wanted.

i hope i didn't hurt it. now i'm crying. i got prollems.

The Church of the Whale Penis

wow.

bedrest and narcotics and awesome friends = finds like The Church of the Whale Penis

http://whalepenis.org/


wow wow wow wow wow

i can't sleep - eff being post op

everything hurts.
my eyes are grainy.
i'm cold but i'm having hot flashes *the cold isn't just me, everyone in the state is cold. maybe everyone in the world today.*

comedy central is on. after the office season one. after an inconvenient truth. which i already read.

ugh. i'm just so fucking over this and it has barely started.

i'm not whining to the people who are here to help me. i mean, it's hard enough for them to watch me struggle to catch my breath. they shouldn't have to listen to me whine.

but damn. owwwww. ouch. grrrrrrr. buzkafnnaf.

i'm full of almost twenty pounds of stuff that they put in you btw.

ugh.

i had my surgery and i'm at home. i'm in a lot of pain. like more than i can ever even have imagined. which i guess i can't not expect after everything that was done to me.

anyway, it's always the people that you don't expect - and the surprises come from where you think that there is understanding. i can't deal with the bullshit now, i just can't. i'm so tired, but i have to admit to you that there are people who are shocking me with their behavior.

and i got a call from someone that i used to plan my future with. i dated him almost 8 years ago - we started dating when i was pregnant with someone else's baby and planning his adoption. we dated for years, planned our engagement, and ended up badly. we then recovered, picked up a friendship and lost each other again. and then he called me in the hospital.

he is married now. sober for almost two years. living the life we used to talk about when we were fucked up and hoping for something normal - maybe hoping that we could bring the normalcy out in each other.

we talked about meditation, and sobriety, and therapy and yoga. we talked about life now, barely touching on life then. but it was hard to wrap the conversation. it was weird, especially since i was so drugged. maybe b/c i was so drugged. i don't know.
but, it's interesting that he still knows about me. uses the avenues to stay aware. remembers info when he gets it. and called. i was surprised, to say the least. but it was a good conversation.

in other news, my ex-boss the lunatic emailed to ask how i was. the email said how are you????? how are you???? good to see that some communication skills never change.

i'm trying to distract myself from how much pain i'm in. its horrid. seriously. but i took some pics - i weigh 16 pounds more than i did 48 hours ago.
and i've eaten nothing and had organs removed. wow.

meh.

better living through chemistry.

so, i spent five hours at the hospital yesterday doing all of my pre-op stuff.
the man i'm dating offered to take a long lunch and come from the valley and take me there, but i couldn't let him do that since i made him late for work, so i walked it mostly.

anyway, i was there a long time. and i had to pay one thousand dollars for my surgery, which put me over broke. and they kept doing all of these invasive things.

and he kept checking in on me. and we had plans to have date night tonight. since we started hanging out, we haven't really gotten to have an official 'date'. we've gone and done lots of things, but we've done them with other friends b/c i've had so much going on to get ready for my surgery.

anyway, i found out that i don't get to leave my house after five until my surgery tomorrow. so i regretfully let him know, as i was upset and he was checking in on me, that i couldn't have our date night tonight. and his immediate answer? 'okay, so are you available tonight? i just want to take you out and have a good time with you.'

and so...i was just getting out of the shower and getting dressed when he got here, so he chatted with my roommate (who likes him, just like all my friends who have met him - people out of state ask after him!)...anyway, i came out of my room in my short pleated skirt and my cashmere tank top with my wrap on, and looked up - and he was dressed up. slacks, buttondown tucked in, blazer, nice shoes. and when i said, 'oh my god, you look so nice, you look so good!!', he said, 'i don't look half as good as you, that skirt and those legs are going to make it hard for me to be the gentleman i am, but of course i dressed up, i have a date with you.'

he had a handkerchief in his pocket for me. he took my hand when we got in the car and looked at me and said, 'i know that you've had a stressful day and that you're scared of your surgery and you're stressed out, and i want you to have a good time and be okay, but i also want you to know that if you're not okay, that's okay too. be what you are and i'm going to be here for you.'

and it was so nice. he dressed up for me! and complimented me all night - my outfit, my legs, how smart i am and how fun it is to date a girl that he doesn't have to dumb down for, how beautiful i am, how soft my skin is...he's just so complimentary and amazing and exactly what i need right now.

and then, during that silly movie *Ghost Rider*, he pulled me into his space and said into my ear, 'you are the sexiest woman that i have ever known, and i am lucky that you find me attractive and let me into your space.'

and i melted. because he's everything that i have asked the universe for, and he spends his time telling me how amazing i am. he and i have exactly the same temperment when it comes to relationships - we just want to hang out and be nice to each other and enjoy each other. we have the same sex drive (and he loves eating me out!!!! he tells me how wonderful i taste and smell, and sends me text messages telling me that he can still smell me on his lips!). we read the same books. we both do accounting. he's incredibly over-protective of me, which i enjoy no matter how independant i have been.

i enjoy being taken care of...i have needed and wanted so badly a space to be vulnerable and he allows me that without making me feel guilty about it, because he doesn't make me ask. he looks at me and my situation and thinks about how he would want someone to treat his sisters or his mother, whom he has taken care of when his father died, and he treats me that way.

he treats me respectfully and affectionately and attentively and with love. and when i snap, he teases me about my moodiness and tells me how sorry he is that my body has had to endure this, and then he pulls me into his lap and kiss me and strokes me and plays in my hair until i cry it out and let it go and then we are good again.

he tells me how he has been reading the chronicle of my life/disease that i have posted for a long time now and how he has wanted to meet me so badly...how he has admired my humor and my strength and my courage and my candor and how he has admired me so much.

and it is amazing...to have this in my life. i know thati am typing on and on about it, but i am falling for him. i am really falling for him. and this morning he said to me - i'm going to take a long lunch and come see you during the day, because i know that you're going to have a rough day with tomorrow being what it is and i want to be here for you. and i said, i can't ask you to do that. and his response?? - 'first, you didn't ask me. and secondly, baby yes you can ask me. we've only known each other for a short amount of time but i feel so intensely for you and i'm your man and you can ask things of me. that's what i'm here for. i'm your man.'

i am lucky, that at this point in my life i would have all of the things that have come to me and i feel so blessed.

i am scared about my surgery tomorrow but i know that i'm going to wake up and i'm going to live to see where my life takes me. i'm not looking forward to the weeks of soreness, but all will be well eventually.

cunt cunt cunt i'ma cunt

someone that i loved called me a cunt yesterday.

i was just filling out my will and i thought about that. and then i started crying. and i don't know if i was crying b/c i was legalizing my will or because someone i thought i loved called me a cunt or because maybe i really did love him and it was just wasting love.

i did my medical power of attorney. i did my living will. i did my will. i did my disability paperwork.

now i'm off to move all of my money into the bank account that my sister can access and then have my pre-op stuff done.

it's go time.

:(

surgery details and what not, etc

i spoke to my surgeon today and confirmed the details. he is getting the robot that he wanted from D.C. and so now my surgery is the 21st at 8 a.m. - the first and only case of the day. and it's going to be a teaching case, meaning that the class will be there learning. wheeeeee. so yeah, i'm nervous. about the surgery. and the change. and the life afterward. all of the unknown. just a little scared.

so the man left town today. he's so beautiful and sweet. i drove him to the airport b/c we wanted to spend some time together before he left town. he left me his button down that he worked in all day and it smells like him and i have kept it near me, loving absorbing the scent of someone so incredibly nice and loving to me.

we talked about my hysterectomy. or, i talked about it. telling him that i know that he's only known be for about five minutes, and that even though he keeps telling me how shocked he is at the intensity of his feelings for me already, that i do not expect him to wait for me after my surgery. that it will be hard to enjoy or get to know someone who is going through what i will be, trapped in bed, drugged, and incapable of having sex. how can i aske that of someone? or even hope for it - because there is no way that i would ask for it.

and he took my hand and kissed it and told me how special i am.

i know that it's so prelim, so early, so many reasons that i shouldn't ever say this out loud or 'type it out loud', but man oh man i really really really like him. he's everything that i was telling the universe that i deserved and wanted and ached for.

he is special to me and for me. i don't know how long his role in my life is according to the universe's plan, but i am going to enjoy every minute of it!!!

love without penetration

after i have my hysterectomy, i can't have sex for at least six weeks. is it wrong to have fallen for someone right now?

i don't think it's wrong, per se. i mean, clearly the universe brought him into my life for a reason. although i think it may be getting my hopes up incredibly to think that someone that i have known for four minutes will think that this is any kind of a rational or sane idea.

me: hello.
him: hello.
us: have three dates.
me: have hysterectomy.
me: will you wait at least six weeks to have sex and come visit me while i'm on bedrest after a major surgery which puts me into menopause at thirty as i adjust to hormone replacement therapy and just want to watch movies?
him: crazy look crazy time crazy run away

exactly.

*sigh*

i mean, we have this insane connection that at any other point in my life would have terrified me. but, i have been meditating and praying and communicating with the universe and i am more at peace and general well accord than i have been, and i feel like he's supposed to be here. he's just a natural fit into me - into my whole life.

there hasn't been any newness weirdness awkwardness strangeness that most new person interaction brings. when he is with me, i feel like i have known him for my entire life and maybe before. lol - that sounds weird. but it feels past life(ish) to me. there is a comfort that is comforting, even though *he* is new. which maybe doesn't make any sense, but which makes perfect sense after talking to my psychic about it.

anyway, it feels good, and it makes me feel good. and so i'm not questioning it. or over thinking it. i'm just thanking the universe for it. but at the same time, i'm not being assumptive about it. i'm taking one moment at a time. one second, one breath at a time. which i have learned to do with these chemicals and pills and whatever else anyway.

so yeah, it's been a really great and happytime week. and even though i barely know this new person in my life i know him and i've got room in my heart for love for him - which sounds weird but he brings me comfort and stillness and i really don't know how to describe it but he pulls me onto his lap and strokes my hair and whispers into my ear and i feel a calmness that i haven't felt in a long time. and then he does other things to my body that cause me to shiver and twitch and laugh uncontrollably and cry and beg and sigh and then he scoops me back up again.

so - i long ago typed (coined?) the phrase Love Without Penetration and i have loved it since. b/c to me, one doesn't have to do with the other. sex and love are completely separate. although if you can find the person that you can combine them with, it is fantastic. anyway, can a new friendship plus survive what i personally am being forced to survive?

we'll see. let's hope. i cross my fingers now.

you're a hard woman to leave...

thirty has been the best birthday to date. fantastic! i had a great party that was so much more than a birthday party - it was a celebration of my life, of beating a disease, of getting to get a group of my friends together for a great night before i have a life threatening surgery after a year of life threatening bs and then spend six weeks in bed.

it was great. so lovely...i got to see so many people that i love. everyone got all dressed up. we laughed. we took pictures. they bought me presents off of my wish list (thank you my lovelies!).

and, i met a man. who told me that i was beautiful and that my dress looked amazing on me and that my hair smelled wonderful. who insisted on driving me home instead of me taking a cab. who, at the end of the night while i was wrapping up and sayiing goodbye, gathered my coat and pashmina and all of my gifts and when i came to get it, held my coat open for me and wrapped me up. who opened my doors for me and carried my packages out for me. who told me that he found me amazing and would like to see me again.

and so we talked again and i got curious. we have a lot in common. we both work with numbers and money. his degree is in finance. he wears a suit to work (hot). he's incredibly complimentary and he likes me and i find myself drawn to him.

so, we talk some more. my friend and i have plans to go and hang out. i ask my friend if he minds if i bring someone else and he doesn't, so i invite him to go to the Getty museum with my friend and i - there's a photography exhibit that i want to see. i expect him to say no because i'm used to being told no, especially if it involves my friends. but he says yes. and we're chatting non-stop...just like me, he reads a lot, he likes politics and movies and philosophy. we had a lot to talk about. and we had a lot of chemistry.

and we got to the museum. and we all went different directions, looking at the art, and then he just came up and took my hand and told me how beautiful i was and how irresistible and how he couldn't resist touching me. and when he took my hand, i got so smiley and tingley. it is what i have been craving and asking for and wanting. to be appreciated and desired and shown attention and affection. and the chemistry. and we smiled at each other and then separated and went to look at the pictures.

and then later, he came up behind me and pulled my hair back and kissed me on the back of my neck and said in my ear 'oh my god, you smell fucking unbelievable, i just want to touch you, you're so soft.' and i knew then that this was exactly what i have wanted all of this time. that i haven't been able to put it into words, but that this was it. that i haven't needed someone to be attached to me like an appendage, but someone who appreciates the womanly aspects of me and appreciates them intermittently, whenever the urge strikes them...whether at the museum or a restaurant or wherever. and i knew that this man is the kind of man that i have wanted, that i've been wanting.

that it's just a matter of finding the kind of man and that man being attracted to you. and he is very attracted to me. so anyway - the museum. and we saw the last king of scotland. and he held me during the movie, stroking my hair and turning to kiss my forehead and nose - which he loves, lol, he loves my nose and my jawline and my neck.

and then we came back to my sofa. and he pulled me into his lap and buried his head in my hair and told me how amazing i smell, how much he loves my smell, and how soft i am - how much he has wanted to touch me and how now that he has touched me i am even softer than he imagined and he hopes that i am comfortable with him touching me a lot because he wants to touch whenever he is near me. he told me that i am beautiful and so incredibly smart and funny and that i am the coolest woman that he has ever met and that he is incredibly fond of me...he likes me so much.

and oh my god. oh my god. how amazing it is...to hear these things. i cried in his lap, to hear these things, to be in the arms of someone attractive and intelligent and articulate and witty and fun and willing to meet my friends and go places and who wants to touch me and who wants to touch me in front of people who is telling me all of the things that i have been aching to hear, touching all of the places that i have been aching to have touched, tickling all of the places that i have been aching to have tickled - without me saying a word.

and then - and this is the part where i laughed with delight at the differences that i am experiencing - when it was time for him to leave, he stood at my door and said to me, 'you are a hard woman to leave.' wow.
wow wow wow

me. lol. who is used to, this past year, someone acting as if i'm a hard woman to touch.

he did things that haven't been done to me in an incredibly long time in ways that i still feel like were a dream sequence and that made me cry with pleasure and then he wrapped his arms around me and put his lips on my neck and laid with me until i was sleepy.

i feel as if i am being incredibly blessed by the universe right now. the job is gone and i'm relaxing before my surgery, meditating and clearing my head. i've been enjoying the company of my friends. i got great gifts for my shower/birthday. i've done great things the past few days. the spa was wonderful. and now this on top of all it. i am, in this moment, incredibly happy.

the universe keeps telling me...

live the now. let it be what it is. if there's no love, don't beg for it. if there is love, accept it. take what you are offered. walk away when there is nothing.

but i'm so fucking stubborn. i really don't understand what the fuck my problem is. i want to win? i want to prove something? to myself? to the world? to the universe? i really don't know.

anyway, tonight was my Farewell My Uterus | Hello Dirty Thirty party. it was great. there are really great pics that i will have up tomorrow. to the people who came to celebrate everything that this night was a celebration of with me...thank you so much. to those of you who traveled far to do so, more than words.

it was wonderful and flew by. thanks for indulging with me, for singing to me, and for spoiling me by getting me the gifts on my wish list (and to you who wrote the farewell card to my uterus - so clever and awesome and I really am going to have them burn it with my uterus. awesome!!!)

so, tomorrow we're going to the Getty. :) it's so great to have people in from out of town! then Sunday, my friend is taking me to Olympic spa for my birthday!!!! they send you to the showers, then you are naked in front of everyone else and they put you in all of these different hot tubs and saunas, and then they put you on this massage table and exfoliate your entire body, dump buckets of warm water on you, give you a full body massage, wash your hair, do a wrap on your body, wash and massage your face, dump the buckets on you again, scrup your body down with salt, then you shower and hot tub again, then you get reflexology. it is amazing. and that is my birthday present from her!!! wow!! then we're all going to see a movie together :)

then monday we're thinking about a day trip to vegas but not sure. then tuesday morning everyone leaves, including my roommate, and i'm all alone to prepare for my surgery and stuff.

get back to life. process everything that has happened,

all in all, except for a couple of things that i can't change, today was a good day and tonight was a great night. there is something that i asked the universe for that i got and now i'm not sure if i was ready. now i have to deal with accepting it. now i have to deal with knowing that i am worth it.

i am worth what i want.

today, i...

got into a fistfight with a man in his forties on the bus, because i was trying to let the old women onto the bus first. the bus was almost an hour late, it was in the high eighties, i was holding the line to let the elderly women on first and he called me a bitch and told me to do my 'cunt bitch good samaritan work on someone else's time'. and then i looked at his face when my tears came, and the look of satisfaction that said that he had beat every woman he had ever fucked, and that my tears made him happy, and that he won, something in my snapped, and i just went fucking crazy and snapped on him and started fucking hitting him. i won.

saw my cousin whom i haven't seen in eight years. he's older than me and always used to pick on me and called me, drunk, not too long ago and went into a tirade about how i always fuck black people, so at first i was nervous. but we had a really good conversation and he talked to me about his drinking problem. our family and their cult really fucked us up. :(

finalized something that broke my heart. really sad. :(

was given an article in the science section by my boss. i like being that girl...that is given an article from the science section from her boss. and then we got most of the office engaged in dialogue about it...i explained it to them and broke it down and told them what it meant on a basic level. it was awesome.

got a hug. my last one with that smell?

i'm so frickin perplexed and stressed. i want so much more.

:(

i run with scissors too

the thing that i love so much about my computer is that even though i'm in bed is that i can continue to live. i can shop and talk (type) to my friends. i can read about my medicines and my symptoms and plan out my recovery and look for the color that i want to paint my room, i can 'live', even though i'm not allowed out of bed.

my neuro sent me to the hospital today. i'm feeling somewhat better. yay! i'm going back to work tomorrow. i only have two weeks of work left before the surgery. it's finally creeping up quickly.

wow. soon, i will be on the other side of a hysterectomy. unbelievable.

i've lost so much weight. one of my girlfriends the other day made a comment about how tiny and fragile i look now, how i seem to barely be, and how she was going through pictures from when i was in the Roots Okay Players Ladies Month - i think i was Miss July, and how i don't even look like the same person any more. and it's true. i was so thick then...and the reason anyone even noticed me at all is because the boys noticed how thick my hips and thighs were, 'especially for a white girl', and so i didn't get treated like a newbie at all. lol.

and that may seem laughable, but i was uber sick, it's when i first got so sick the first time, and i was on bed rest for six months, and had to mov back in with my family b/c the hospital wouldn't release me to anyone except for them b/c i lived alone. so, my aunt and uncle drove from texas, like a 13 or 14 hour drive, and picked me up, and in one and a half days i had to give everything away and sale everything and be out. and then be on bedrest trapped in a house with my intensely psycho-religious family. so that message board provided me with outside contact and friends, people to interact with.

lol. i've chosen winners for my snail mail contest. it was awesome and one my 'gooder' ideas!!

i hope that all is well with you, my readers. i finally have a lessening in my head pain and i'm relieved.

:)