where do i go?

lately i've felt like i can't find my words. my tears are here. but i've felt lost on the inside. my meds are keepin me relatively calm on the outside, i only lose my cool about 30% of the times that i'm actually feeling it. but i don't necessarily think that that is a good thing.

but i don't know either. maybe it's fine. maybe other people shouldn't suffer just because i'm all fucked up. maybe i should just take the drugs and be sedated and be fine on the outside and be forced to fake a smile that lasts every day of my life.

today, my doctor said to me...'tell me. just because i can't fix it doesn't mean that i don't want to know what's going on. tell me.' and then he said, not once but five times, 'i want to know what's going on with you always. please stay in touch with me. please drop me a line. if i can do anything for you, please let me know. i want to know what's going on with you.'

he could tell that something was wrong and that i was going inside myself. he told me of the major trauma that my body has undergone, not only the surgeries, but also just the years of pain and disease. and my strength to have endured it. he told me about how all of the data that they have is for women 63 and up, whose bodies were menopausal and therefore there is no data for women who are 30. i'm in unchartered territory here. he did invasive internal exams and took samples and they did lots of bloodwork (and i almost passed out in the sun waiting for my bus :( )

so, he's a good doctor. he told me that they rarely have a 100% success case as far as chronic pain goes and that he knows that once i get my mood stabilized and my depression dealt with and my anxiety handled and my hormone dosage levelled (most of it comes from this), that i'm going to do great. he cares. that was nice.

i just am so stressed out, about so many things. it hurts to be so confused, in so muc turmoil, and feel as if no one gets it, or really even cares that much. as if i have to pay someone (my psychiatrist) to care.

i'm just exhausted, maybe. it's been a long week.

a really long week. my first one.

this is the place i live

but so does everyone.

i'm not special.
my sadness. my pain. my aloneness.

nothing special.

been had before, by many before me.

i'm not special.

i keep forgetting that.

life is just one humiliation after another...and we should just get used to it.

hormones teach you humiliation. your place. crying in public teaches you humiliation. your place. anger. rage. hormones. loss of control. they teach you humiliation. your place in the world.

am i prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me?

this moment...i don't know. i don't know if i have the strength to know.

exhaustion. i'm exhausted. but rest is not healing me. i'm not whole hearted. i can't find me. i have to find my ability to make friends with the unknown.

life sans disease is almost as scary as life with it.

maybe my moment's gone

i'm not the same person i seem to be.
all of this depresses me...

i won't listen.
i won't talk.
my life is weightless.
i mean a lot.
i mean a little.
i'm brittle.

maybe this *is* me.

i have to go back on the anti-depressants. i have to take the sleeping meds as prescribed. i have to, once again, be me under the influence of fucking pharmaceuticals.

because i am ill equipped. my body can't handle it. my head can't handle it. my heart. the trauma. the slow eeking of my stability that has occurred over the past few years. the see-saw of illness & my battle to claim health. the financial burden of a long-term illness. of chronic pain.

so, i keep thinking that this isn't me. and i want to find the me that i was before. but maybe this is me.
maybe i am depressed and anxious.

i'm taught by experience and therefore worse, i know that much. just a fucking version of the truth of me.
and everyone wants a piece of me...energy, pills, advice, help, conversation. and i don't feel like i have anything to give. not even to myself.
maybe my moment's gone.

i need an escape. a way out of my head. i am not equipped to deal with life & the people in it. i am not equipped to deal with being responsible for the how my actions affect others on a daily level because in a large sense, i really don't give a fuck. not about them, per se, but just about all of it. life. the things that are happening outside my mind that is racing and my heart that is pounding and my pelvic floor that is still having pain.

i am not equipped to deal with people who can only see me in relation to them. who cannot even try to step out of the box that 'we' are in and try to see or imagine the depths of where i am, the mental anguish that brings me to a place where i would say that i cannot reign in control. that i must cry. that i must seek aloneness and healing. that i want to be left alone.

i need to take time to catch my breath and choose my moment. i'm sliding. i think my pain belongs to me but forget that it's happened to so many before me. i'm sliding. i forget to remember that i'm only human, it's okay to make mistakes and not have it all figured out. i'm sliding.

i am trying to be a good girl and give everyone what they want, but i got nothing.

...sometimes, you have to let go, close your eyes & let it crash.
lonely isn't a strong enough adjective...
words are my enemy now.

I lack the necessary tools to help me get right. I can't poke a hole in my chest and pull my heart through, and though there are some that would take me any way that they could have me, I don't want to have someone take their place as my temporary savior. I bring along everything - my ethics and my issues and my taboos. i'm heavy now.

there's a documdrama on - sometimes in italian

about how expensive a major &/or long-term illness is, about how it can cost all of your money and more.

it is poorly acted.
the actors are not attractive.
the doctor makes me feel like i am watching my life over the past years.

then, it cuts to this commercial for Insurance, of some kind. the difference between HMO & PPO. before this was a drama, all in Italian.
before that, i don't remember. i took pics. i ate crackers. i cleaned & read. i am learning that 39 million people in the U.S. do not have health insurance. that sucks...almost as much as how much i have to pay to have health insurance.

i can't sleep. the back and forth of hormones and insomnia is killin me.

i have therapy *group* in a few hours. ***yawns***

i can't believe that i brought Pudding Pops. that's awesome!! yay!

i want to nap.

if no one calls & i don't speak at all,

do i disappear somewhere?

i don't understand anything. nothing. at all.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be free?

or am i selfishness and ego? is that what i carry with me everywhere i go?

...this feeling that my life is incomplete.

i only know this...i start to cry. i can't tell you why. i stumble. i can't let people in. because i don't understand anything.

there's this pain in my chest all the time...beyond the physical pain. it's the pain of not knowing what the fuck is going on.

of knowing that everyone is watching me stumble and trip, of my fingers losing my grip, of me being down on my knees. and wondering if this is what they wanted to see?

sometimes, i feel gripped by fear and doubt.

my spiritul advisor said this today : Whenever you are about to achieve something major, a great breakthrough, cross a giant threshold, the dark side of your nature will bombard you with fear and uncertainty. ...it is only with total certainty in your power can you hope to dominate the sabotaging aspect of yourself.

i feel like there is a miracle waiting for me...that all that i need to do is focus on the problem and walk towards it with total certainty. i'm just too attached. i need to detach, and focus on the outcome and not this journey, this oh so difficult journey, that i'm on.

sometimes, i want to say to people...am I bothering you? You wouldn’t be bothered if you knew what I’ve been through.

i know that all the good reasons i have to be mad at people vanish once i take a peek behind the curtain. i have to remember to ask the light/the univere/the gods to help me understand the pain that drives a person, so that i can see their chaos and their pain and their reasons. because that is what i want from them.

i want them to see the pain that drives me, my chaos, my conflict, my struggle.

today, starting today, i want to resist holding onto the bad feelings that i feel. i want to open my heart and focus the beam of my compassion onto the people in my life. i know that i need compassion, love and forgiveness.

i am prepared to give what i need. i am asking the universe for patience in the receiving of what i need.

i am asking the universe for guidance. for the strength to love myself, to forgive myself, to find the knowledge of what i am worth in this world.

i don't know what i'm worth in this world. i'm self-deprecating. i expect so much and accept so little. i want to know with absolute certainty what i am worth in this world.

my meditation tonight was really good. i met someone great today, a great lady, whose daughter is going through the beginning of what i have lived for the past years. it was all so random, but i feel that the universe placed me in their lives to help her...i honestly didn't even know why i was walking there. and then i was telling her my story. then BAM...she said, i can't believe you said that, about that, because my daughter has all that you have just said and i wasn't going to say anything but when you said ________, i knew for sure that you have really lived it b/c i watch her do that every day. will you help me? will you share with me what you know?

and so i took her info and told her i would contact her tomorrow. i won't leave my bed or my self-suffering for me, but i will do it for others who can benefit from my suffering, and maybe the universe knows this. maybe i'm supposed to start a group or something.

i just know that i'm back to walking the city late at night. i'm restless. i am in transition.

i need a tapeplayer walkman.
i need to prepare for tomorrow.

Happy Passover.

Good Pesach | Happy Passover

since things fall apart, I'll be having my Seder tomorrow night (which is still totally acceptable).

i have a lot to think about with this Pesach, because it is the first time that it means so much to me.

it is also me acknowledging to my friends that my Judaism means more to me now, when i for a long time eschewed religion.

i want to know that i am in the place that the creator intends for me, the universe, the gods. that i am giving the energy that i need to to get the life that i want.

there is so much that i want.

i feel like i am waking up after a long coma, and there is so much that i haven't known or dealt with for years that is pressing in on me now.

i walk the city late at night...does anyone here do the same?

i want to be the things i claim.

more later, i have to run out.

i'm not a psycho i just cry a lot

New hormone replacement patch day one. it keeps being day one again. day one sucks. jeezus.

fuck fuck fuck.

i got mail from social security today. at least i showered. and had a very, very short walk.

the things that are weighing on my mind are very heavy.

which sucks, behind my head hurts so badly.
this migraine...it won't stop.

or even abate a little.

throb throb throb.

patch = eat all day. cry. crave. but today's headache / hunger / craving / all of it / has included vomiting since 3 a.m. as well.

i know that i will adjust. need to adjust. i think maybe this is a virus or food borne illness on top of it and maybe just bad timing, but it has made the hot flashes and stomach/digestive things far worse.

i cannot focus. i am hurting incessantly. what the fock?

depression is a hell of a thing to battle.

:(

it's decision time again

one thing - i've said this before, my standards have been, at best, undemanding.

i'm still here, but what if i weren't? where would any of the rest of anything be, that falls in relation to me?

i feel like a lot of the love in my life, a lot of the love that i have learned, depends on geography.

i feel like, for too long, i've given too much of myself to people...even the people who matter a lot, matter the most. like i forgot to remember that I matter THE most!!

when i say i've given too much of myself, i mean i've been too complacent, forgiven too much, accepted too much, not been willing to stand up for myself even on the small things because i've been so unwilling to have confrontation.

i don't want to do that anymore. i'm not sure exactly what my future holds, but i know that one aspect of it is me evolving into a woman with a stronger sense of self. which is different than being a strong woman.

i'm not sure how to feel about some things...

except to know this: i can only be responsible for me. i can only ask others to be responsible for themselves and hope that that responsibility reflects one that mirrors my own, therefore their presence in my life doesn't hurt me. not everyone is like me - not everyone wants to be featured in my blog just because they are part of my life but that doesn't mean that they don't love me, and it doesn't mean that the people who are willing to jump into the public forums of expression are necessarily any *more* better suited for me or love me more or better.

we, or i, try to quantify things that don't necessarily always need to be quantified.

i don't even know what all of my thoughts are about, i just know that my brain is full. it's decision time again.

PICTURES: MRI Porn (Possibly NSFW)

Dutch researchers recruited several couples (including a pair of street acrobats) to have sex in an MRI. They produced highly detailed pictures of human anatomy during coitus, and found that Da Vinci's early illustrations of coitus in cross-section made some critical mistakes.



read more | digg story

you don't have to shovel sunshine.

today i...

...saw my pain management team & neurosurgeon. i had a panic attack there. my blood pressure was too high. the voices/conversation/people in the waiting room were too much.

...had my final dental surgery & scheduled my free 1 hour Zoom! whitening (as seen on Extreme Makeover - Personal Dental on Wilshire ladies & gentlemen!!!)

...made friends with two men from Europe, here for a month and staying at a hostel, who let me take their photos on the bus.

...found out that one of my photos won a photog contest!!!!! i will be inducted into some guild. lmao, but still, how effing awesome!!!!!

...got a free 2.5 hour reading and 1 hour body work session from my psychic. and now my friend. who told me many things. but told me something about someone in my past that was interesting.

...took a walk. took some photos. had some pain. fought the truth.

a- out.

Mad Windy.

today, it was Mad Windy on my walk in the canyon with mr. blue. after the rain.

and i thought to myself, it's Mad Windy. and when i did, i smiled.
and i watched this whole sequence of events that weren't happening happen in my head.

i saw myself tease a gay man (i wish i could remember his name, but i know that he has a YACHT at a MARINA & DOGS & A MILLION DOLLAR CONDO & RICH PARENTS).
i saw myself swim and float and play with this little girl. i can't remember her name either, damn.
i saw myself play volleyball with a beach ball and say Mad Windy Mad Windy Mad Windy and probably be Hella Annoying but i giggled and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
i saw myself in the corner of the pool as the sun went down. the hot of my tears against the cold of everything else.
i saw myself get dressed in the green halter dress and sit there and laugh and pose for pictures...still some of my favorite of me from that time period.
i saw myself order and eat appeteasers and be covered, hand to elbow, in wing sauce - also some pretty funny stories.
i saw myself record the ring tone.
i saw myself laugh everytime that it rang...Mad Windy Mad Windy Mad Windy...my phone would scream it out, and that day would flash while my phone rang, and i would laugh, and people would look at me like i was insane because my phone was yelling Mad Windy over and over again, but those words meant something bigger than just the moments than they were happening.

and i'm in the canyon, with the winds whipping me every which way, and a monstrosity of a dog dragging me straight uphill, and i'm crying and saying, 'it's Mad Windy, Mr. Blue, we gotta slow down.'

it's Mad Windy in my life right now. i spend half my day doing/saying things to apologize for, the other half apologizing. trying to serve things up and then chasing them down because the wind has blown them askew. i have not yet made friends with the unknown.

it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods

in an instant, my mood goes from ok to horrible.
i cry. i pace. i become angry, unsettled, restless, confused, unable to cope with my life as is.

this happened at about 6 p.m. and hasn't stopped. i have taken and posted pics on Flickr.
i have paced. eaten soup. more soup. had tea. written. plannered. (like there's anything to write in my planner these days, really. i could write...wait.).

i want. i don't want. i push. i pull. i hurt. i ache. i hurt some more. i'm angsty. i reach for what i know. i reach for solid ground. i reach for familiar in all of this unknown, in all of this that i don't recognize. the breadth and textures of life...

it has taken my whole life and my whole existence to understand that i am one step away...

one step away...

reaching. reaching. reaching. one step away...

The Journey...by David Whyte

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, i listen to it over and over again and try to calm myself. I hear...how do you move the pivot of your existence away from the constant human experience of leaving and to the experience of arriving? Even slightly? How do you cultivate a daily experience of anticipation and meeting and conversation? How do you move the pivot of your identity away from trying to put it all together yourself, more towards the conversation itself? Away from the feeling of besiegement in life towards engaging creation in such a way that I realize that this is a place of revelation and healing?

That the healing is sometimes fierce, that the healing sometimes almost kills me. But, that the world somehow is constantly telling me that I belong to a much larger home than I can build for myself at any one time, than I can imagine at the moment. So, when I feel like I am constantly through going through these cycles of building a home only to be orphaned again, but that is b/c I need to make friends with the unknown. If I can't make friends with the unknown, life will always seem like it is an enemy.

I keep feeling like my foundation is being swept away, in the moments when my hormones rage. I keep forgetting to cultivate my friendship with the unknown. I keep forgetting about the healing quality of the unknown.

Life is a constant cycle of making a home in the world and being outted. Finishing the final touches, the comfort pieces, and the knock on the door that rousts me. Difficult transitions...the moments where I don't know how anything is made or done or anything anymore. Maybe it *is* when I'm willing to learn. Those moments. But, I feel like I have had more than my share of the difficult transition moments. More than a liftetime's worth.

...sometimes, everything has to be enscribed across the heavens, so i can find the one line already written inside of me
...sometimes, with the bones of the black stick left when the fire has gone out, someone has written something new in the ashes of my life
...i am not leaving, i am arriving.

sometimes, i am tired of carrying my mask. sometimes, i don't want to know the things i know - my responsibilities, the people who owe me things, the people to whom i owe things, the people who love me, the people who love me.

the world was made to be free in.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

when your eyes are tired, the world is tired also. when your vision is gone, no part of the world can find you.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

i am not beyond love. i am not leaving, i am arriving. the world was made to be free in. i should have a place in my day where i don't have to carry my mask around with me. it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods. i want to know if i belong or feel abandoned. if i can know despair or see it in others. if i am prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me. am i prepared to live day by day with the consequence of love & the bitter unwanted passion of my sure defeat.

i have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of god.

am i prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me? am i prepared to look back with firm eyes saying 'This Is Where I Stand?'

the world was made to be free in.

news of death

has made its way down the chain, to me.

it is still morning for me, and i have to go walk the dogs.

i have read the email, and reread it. i have spoken nothing aloud. i have to get dressed now. and go walk the dogs.

my bio is up at 30 Voices. my 1st post. i have new pics up at Flickr. i'll Scrobble new music when i get home.

news of death has made its way to my eyes, but i will speak nothing.

i have to go walk the dogs now.

i can't take any more heartache this year.

i cried all day yesterday. i have nothing left to give.

there is life and love and air and mountains and sea outside.
i have to go walk the dogs.

post secret

i finally finished my secret, the real one, to Post Secret. yay!!

tonight we saw The Namesake, and then the Q&A with Kal Penn afterwards. it was good and i'm glad that we went. we got tix for the symphony!!!! It's Star Wars Dark Nights, Yosemites Bright Lights @ the Wadsworth Theater. I'm really excited about it!!

i'm going to type out something that makes me embarassed even to think...hahaha. but, it's been weird to be away from OKP. it was such a huge part of my life for so long, the decision to step away has been weird. sometimes, i almost type it in and then remember that my login doesn't exist anymore.

i got im'd a link and clicked it b/c it was about me and when i was reading it and getting pulled into the drama, realized that that is why i left in the first place - the fact that i was getting emotionally wrapped up in what people who had never even met me said about me. and that it was silly. and pointless after all these years.

and i have such real shit going on. like i'm probably going to have to file bankruptcy due to my years of serious health crisis and my very expensive surgery. i am responsible for 30% of the cost of my surgery and my first two bills total over 160k. so yeah, that's serious. and i'm handling hearings for disability, and adjusting to hormone replacement therapy, and battling major depression.

so, i don't need unnecessary extra stuff. that is all. i just have to guard who and what i let near me during this time.

i am lucky to have a pretty fantastic support system. i am also lucky to have a man in my life who is understanding of things even when i probably wouldn't be when in his position, honestly. these hormones...ugh. i just had a rough day today. the depression/anxiety part of it was bad today. and i had a freak out in the store, and started wyling, and crying. and he handled it like a pro, like he was designed to take care of me in that situation. and he's just generally a good dude. and he oh so cutely pulls me closer even in his sleep...he's so amazingly fascinated with my body. he loves my shape, my legs. he tells me that i am beautiful, that he loves how my waist blooms into my hips.

he makes me feel pretty and sexy and just good. and he spoils me. even when i'm hormonal and up and down and kind of not really the best of me, he sees the best in me. and he comes over and gives me foot rubs and back rubs and shoulder rubs and leg rubs, b/c he knows that the hormones are causing me to cramp up and also because he likes to touch me! i really enjoy his touch, i really enjoy being touched. i wanted for so long to be touched, to be treated with affection and love and genuineness.

i always thought that if i ever got it, i would probably have to sacrifice something. that if i got the brains, the conversation, the affection and attention, i wouldn't get the physical attraction or the forearms. i thought i would probably have to compromise some desires in order to live others. and so i started deciding which things were the ones that i could live without, and which were the ones i had to have. and i knew that the sexual attraction, the chemistry, the being touched and being wanted, was a necessity after living without it.
but i also wanted conversation. and movies. and someone who read books. lol.

and now...now, i have a man who works out on the regular, lifts weights, runs, has great forearms, can lift me up and carry me to the shower or the pool, who reads the books that i read, who likes the movies that i like, who shares the same political viewpoints as i do, who engages me in discourse on current events. i have a smart, attractive man who works in finance and loves Discover magazine who begs me to rub me, who comforts me, who licks me until i am sleepy, who licks me awake, who touches me in a way that makes me know that i am special to him.

i am lucky. lucky lucky lucky. even when things are bad, and i am sad, i know that i am lucky. even when i can't sleep, like now, and i can't hear anything except my fingers on the keys as i type and his breath and the fan fighting away my hot flashes, i know that i am lucky.
i am here. i am closer to me every day. i am planning my future with the people that i love and who love me.

i am lucky. *rinse and repeat*

a- out.

there's more to life than what makes you cry

today was good.

the walks with the dogs were good, and annabelle has decided that i am friend and not foe. this is good news...primarily b/c annabelle has very sharp teeth. lol.

i only had to spend 19 minutes on the phone with apple tech gods before my problem was corrected - i think that's a new record!!

and, i got to see a movie that i've been looking forward to at my favorite theatre with my dude & have a hebrew national hot dog! yay!! tonight, we saw Reign on Me. it was good...surprisingly so. i cried a lot (bear in mind that i'm on hormone replacement therapy). but, the dialogue is good, the music is good, the chemistry between the actors *especially Don and Adam* is surprisingly good. overally, very good flick.

tomorrow night, we are seeing the namesake and then the one hour q&a with the actor afterwards - & then Rareform!! *lol - shoutouts to Tara, whose JUST LOVE AND SUPPORT RAREFORM AND SHUT UP, runs through my head about three times a day, but usually with a different word substituted for Rareform. lol.

anyway, things maybe will be level one day, where i can foresee a future of good days. but, until then, i will enjoy them as they come.

today was a good day.






(i didn't even have to use my AK)

you knew i couldn't resist the ice cube moment.
have a great weekend my lovelies.
and thanks for the email support.

a- out.

My First Post on 30 Voices

My first post on 30 Voices is up!!! I'm very excited about the project, it is one of the most compelling that I have been a part of in a very long time and it thrills me to share my words in the same space as so many other talented 30-something women! Yay!

My first post... http://thirtyvoices.wordpress.com/2007/03/22/sunrise-for-an-insomniac/#comments

a- out.

...the problem is, most men waste her grace

they take her kind and adoring mien for granted, and force her sooner or later to hop the first streetcar out of 'town' - but despite being grace personified, forgiving endlessly, mercifully understanding his faults and foibles, seeing past his problems to his unadulterated good, and being continually disappointed by the men in her life...she will not cease and desist from her signature of giving selflessly to her relationships.

She has an altruistic and ungrudging vision of love, carrying a seemingly bottomless loving cup. And because she doesn't compromise these things, because she is willing to pour herself fully into the man she loves now despite the disappointment of the man she loved before, she will ultimately happen upon the man who will appreciate the joyful affection that she gushes - without taking her own needs lightly.

She is programmed to give, mainly in the form of lending her infamous understanding. And in finding a man on whom she can spew forth her feelings withou having them trampled underfoot, she experiences rapture. Sometimes, it so happens that a former flame will have learned his lesson about her goodness and will try to woo her back. If anyone could forgive the past, it is her.

When it comes to relationships, She asks for little. She is a low maintenance mate whose idea of a perfect evening would sooner entail pizza and beer than caviar and champagne. She run the proverbial party pad - a startling symptom of her lack of concern for materialism. There will be the effects of the endless string of her notorious hobbies, there will be knickknacks and memorabilia, minimalism not being her default. She likes the lived in look - and nowhere in her house will that be more in evidence than in the bedroom, where both in decor & sexual philosophy, she isn't above making a mess.

Sex should never be a laminated, sanitized affair - but rather a releasing of all inhibitions. Her attitude is laissez faire. She is spontaneous and loves to be taken abruptly by a man - she would relish being jumped by her partner from behind while she was washing the dishes. It is the bestial side of men that attracts her most. - if any woman were to take an impromptu plunge with someone blue collar like the plumber, it would be her...which is ironic given her sunny & nerdy disposition. She seems the last female one would expect to do so.

She likes to be manhandled with a certain degree of roughness..it doens't have to be meaningful but pure physical pleasure is fine. She wants all of her buttons pushes, preferably all at the same time. She is unplugged - giving many nods to toys. She has zero hang ups, nor any trace of emotional or religious guilt surrounding sex. She is a nitty gritty character in the bedroom. She is especially comfortable with artificial stimulation either as enhancement to sex with a partner or as a happy solo substitute for human contact.

She likes to document her bedroom shenanigans, wither with photos or videos in which she stars as the vixen. It floats her boat - part sex and part conceptual art.

One would be hard pressed to find a more empowered individual...she is a beacon of confidence and self-confidence when she comes into her prime.


~~ she is me. and this is my sextrology reading. and wow. wow wow wow.

which means it is pretty right on and i'm shocked. lol. shocked enough to type it out. b/c it's spot on. wowsa.
sextrology. bam.

the doubling of hormones

So, the hormones have been doubled. This is...

good news? In some respects, this is good news. Some of the things that were a problem with too few hormones are now not so much. Now though, I am angry. Or maybe, on edge. I think on edge is the better way to adequately sum up what I am.

In a lot of respects, when it comes to actual contact, I just want to be left alone, because contact always involves the same things - people telling me what they are doing/did and asking me what I'm doing/what I did. And chances are, I'm not DOING anything.

Chances are, i'm sitting in front of my computer doing another freelance project, writing another things, uploading another photo that I took either in my house, off of my balcony or in the park by my house. I'm not allowed to really DO shit. And frankly, I'm getting frustrated hearing about all of the great and exciting things that everyone else is doing. Hmph.

So, I'm angsty/on edge. I just want something that I can't identify. And food...I'm hungry all of the damn time. Good lord.

I'm planning my first Seder for Passover. And we're still having the Go God, Whoooo party. So at least I have things to look forward to. And, I got invited to the VIP Fashion Show tomorrow night (looks at clock - tonight I guess), so I'm going to try to talk my doc into letting me go to that.

He says that I can't be trusted to do things minimally so I just have to be not allowed to do things. :(

that dog that i walked bit me today too. motherfucker. grrrrrrr.

that's that.
a- out.

Redefining Beauty

JPG Mag, with the Suicide Girls, is having a photography contest themed Redefining Beauty.

I have submitted a Self Portrait (with piercings!) into the contest and would like to ask for your vote...

the photo can be located at http://www.jpgmag.com/photos/98134

and thanks!

how much of yourself do you give away?

so, there's 30 Voices...
and my ex-boss wanting me to come back to work for him as a consultant (just LOL bitches)...
and the the book...
interviewing for the movie...
planning the trip to Bmore for the Wire...
maybe Puerto Rico?...
(i really wanna do PR)...
there is Slade and the puppies...
Julia aka Uli, the one and a half year old marvel who likes to rub my leg...

there's so much to do yet. and i'm still in bed. cranky. sore. crying tonight :(

i'm ready to be ready. to stop being so goddamned moody all of the time. the incredible crying machine. the fight starter. taker of things literally, seriously, meh.

i just want to laugh and relax and not be so high strung.

hormones are a motherfucker.

dental surgery is a motherfucker too...i can't believe i have to finsih up!!! good thing i got told i was too skinny and so i've been eating pizza.

and omg, i even had popeyes the other night. blech. lmao. and girl scout cookies!!! hahaha. yay!!!

awww shit.