the hammock diaries: on ampleness

there is this feeling of completeness, almost like nothing i've ever known, in lying in the hammock, basking in sunlight, trees, birds of many kinds in the feeders and bath singing like crazy and building homes, foraging food, for their families. my laptop, an apple, water, pops on the porch researching my tummy thing (a doctor in the house sure is handy), mom resting after taking me shopping and to lunch, my son on the computer caring for his webkinz and coming out to give me stats, my 'other son' out front playing trucks with the neighbor.

there is peace, stillness even amidst the activity, fullness, family. i am happier than i have ever been. even though it has been a long period of losses, i am happy with who i am becoming, with my strength in this transitional period. i am slowly peeling back the layers to find my true wants and what i'm willing to be and do to have them.

and i'm spending lots of time at flickr, enjoying the glimpses into other people's lives and vision of their daily activities, their perception of the moments that we take for granted. i think that what i love most about photography is that it is us acknowledging how special a lot of these moments we take for granted as a whole really are, how lucky we are - as well as the fact that our personality influences our perception of the shot. you can give 4 photogs a camera and have them shoot the same thing at the same time, and the pics will be different. i love that - that the different angles, views, etc, that can come from a moment.
a lot of people i know who take pics have been through some pretty traumatic stuff, and i wonder if that influences our desire to shoot the way we do, to really focus on these moments and encapsulate them, because we know how easy it is to not have it as an option...we've been so close to the end of it that we want to seek out the beauty in the mundane, the joy of the eccentric, the brightness and color and smiles that comprise this world. maybe?

anyway, i've been looking at pics from people in places i dream about, far away, south africa, maldives, europe...and the thing i notice is how they celebrate family and see beauty in things differently than here in the states. the women that they hold up as beautiful are ample, curvy, generous hips and breasts and thighs, not very much makeup, if any. and i love it. it's rare to see a painfully thin woman in their pages, the sharpness of hip bones sticking out, and i find these people beautiful. i think, so much because, they are so happy with who they are...you can see it in their faces and body language. mostly on their beaches they are topless, some nude, everyone comfortable...pregnant women with stretch marks and hairy armpits, curvy women with big hips and small waists, small breasts, short hair, gigantic breasts, no breasts, no hair...and everyone looks content. they are not focused on hiding themselves since birth, the puritanical fascination with denying our sexuality, the aren't striving to look like kate moss or reach a size 4 no matter how much pain it takes, how much it's not their natural size. they are them, free to be who they are on the beaches and at home. and that culture, that perception - there's something beautiful in it...in acknowledging the beauty of our physicality/sexuality, the beauty of the differences in our commonality, there is such a freedom. such a large space in the range to find where you are on the spectrum and the people who appreciate what you have to offer.

we let our physicality, what we see as our lack (even if it's the lack of excess, not being stick thin) dominate so much of our lives...not being comfortable enjoying the beauty of an amazing day on a clean beach and warm water because of stretch marks or excess weight, not wearing clothes we love, not being comfortable accepting love b/c we don't feel deserving and most of it stems from our dislike of our physical selves - 'i'm fat', 'i'm gross', 'i have stretch marks', 'i have scars', so many things that really tell our story and yet we see it as reasons we don't deserve what we want...comfort, love, freedom.

i'm so saddened by it yet struggling every day to delete this from my life, from my personality. my physical 'flaws' are the testament to what i've overcome and what i've contributed to this world. and i don't want to punish myself and deny myself because of these testaments of my strength, courgae and learning.

i am sad that as i learn to embrace the good and change what i can of the bad, there are people who see my claiming my positive attributes as being arrogant or selfish or other things. i am a kind and generous and good person, often times hurting myself to make the people that i care about feel good, better - and being kind to people that i encounter in the world. but, i focused on the negative for so long, and it did nothing but make me feel bad and change nothing. now, i say...i have worked hard to lose weight and be tone and most importantly, healthy and strong. i am strong. i have good skin. i have pretty hair. my stretch marks signify the healthy child that i gave the best of everything by enduring the pain of choosing a family better for him than i could be, my scars signify my strength and endurance and the diseases that i have not only beaten, but chosen to be bettered by rather than hindered by, my extra weight signifies my persistence rather than my laziness, as it used to be more and i have shed a small person from my body.

i am choosing to focus on and vocalize my positives rather than my negatives, am choosing to state my self-love rather than self deprecation. it is a sad society when people are okay with us denouncing ourselves and yet are uncomfortable if we state the reasons why we are good, why we love ourselves, our own bodies.

i am not arrogant, only awaking.this life is only going to be as good as i let it be.

and all that i'm trying to say is this - no one else can love us if we don't love ourselves first. how can we expect unconditional love and acceptance, forgiveness of our flaws, appreciation of our good, if we're not willing to accept those things from ourselves? how can you expect someone to show you appreciation and kindness and love when you deflect it all the time? answer statements of your beauty and compliments by listing your flaws? how can you expect someone to always the see the things that they love if you are constantly pointing out your flaws?

i've been there but i see it for the unhappy and desolate place it was and i'm not going back there. i am now striving to love me as much as i want the amazing people in my life to do so, to appreciate the results of the things i work hard to maintain, to be able to accept compliments and praise when they are sincere and deserved as well as constructive criticism in the same way. i want to project self love and self confidence and pass that to people that i meet and know...i want to be able to give myself compliments the same way that i do people in the street.

the only person who is ever going to truly suffer if i keep myself locked in a bubble of self loathing is me - others will move on, find happiness and perhaps miss me initially but eventually i will just be someone that they knew once. and i will carry the hurt of pushing away sincere love because i couldn't see my own value. i don't want to be that woman.

and so - i am strong, and kind and patient and loving and beautiful. i am a good person, a good friend, a good lover, a good girlfriend, a good mother, a good aunt, an awesome baker, a tireless worker and cleaner, a fun and funny buddy. an open minded person who is tolerant and encouraging of differences, happy for the success of my friends and family, willing to accept my lumps and admit my mistakes. i strive for betterment and will sacrifice to make the lives of people that i love better. i will take the smaller side, defer to the preferences of my loved ones and to their wants as well - as long as it is acknowledged, reciprocated and i do not feel put upon.

i am intelligent, a verociouos reader and great conversationalist. i try to be as broadly knowledgeable as possible so that i have things to contribute not only to social situations but to the world around me as well. i am helpful, friendly and generous with my time and forgiveness.

but most of all, i just want to be happy. to feel at peace. and i want that for everyone else too...and if we don't find happiness in the same way, if our journeys are different, i wish you all well on yours and hope that you reach your destination. take care of you!

on: love, life and family

i haven't talked about it *really* on here, because i've just been basking...but, i reconciled with one of the kindest people that i have ever known. a man who is kind, nurturing, generous, loving, appreciative, affectionate, intelligent and so many other things. he was great to me and i was fucked up and falling apart. i, while talking to my therapist, realized that i had made a mistake by pushing away and fearing what was probably the best and purest love that had ever been shown to me. and so, i decided to rectify that...

so, we're at now. he came to see me this weekend - took some time off from work so that we could have more than a few hours, and made the cross country trek to visit me in my place of healing.

everyone adored him. two people that i love very, very much were celebrating their 22nd wedding anniversary & her birthday. and so, as our gift to them, we kept their kids for a long time and let them have time away for some friend time, a romantic dinner, a drive and some time on the beach at night, and then a morning sunrise on the beach as well. it's strange, how well this situation works for us & how many other people either don't understand it or don't even acknowledge it as an important part of my life when i talk about it. there are those who question it, doubt it, are perplexed by it...and then those who choose to pretend that i didn't say anything at all when i speak on it...

but, the relationship that i have with my son and his family - his brother who is also my 'other son' (more on that later), his parents, and most of his extended family - is so amazing. and how incredible? that they would let me keep their kids, one of them my biological son that they adopted, while they go out to celebrate? but we understand and love each other, all of us, and they know that my love is pure, for all of them.

so, they went away, and my boyfriend and i kept the kids. it was so much fun. we took them to see Shrek 3, which was great! they got kid packs, which have nerd rope, popcorn and i got them slushies!! then, we played video games, and we took them to McDonalds for happy meals so that they could have the Shrek toy! we went a couple other places, then came home and changed and rode bikes to the swim club. so funny, it was cold in the evening b/c a storm front was coming, but they begged us to get in the pool and i finally did. they climbed all over me and we wrestled and raced. then, we mapped out a plan for coming home. we got home and undressed in the laundry room to keep things clean, then while i ordered us pizza, they all took showers and picked up the bathroom. i cleaned the kitchen and gathered up laundry. then, when the pizza came, we went all the way up to the 'secret' 3rd floor and had a picnic on the floor - pizza, sweet&saltys, milk - while watching Night at the Museum. i let them stay up late to finish the movie, then let them sleep in the same room in the bunk beds and kissed them to sleep!

then, my BF & i hung out in the gathering room and watched the office & grey's anatomy on the big(ish) screen until we were tired - and he gave me a foot massage with Arbonne Sole Pampering peppermint foot rub creme the entire time!!

it was unbelievable in so many days...then we got up early the next morning and went to the beach and played Team Awesome swimming in the high tide and dug in the sand and played and had fun in the sun. and during that time, i concluded the thoughts that i've been having lately with a firm decision...i *am* ready to have a family. to be a wife and a mom. i'm ready to settle down and make dinners and take care of the people that i love. i've been thinking it for some time and wasn't sure if my longing for it would translate to the willingness to make the commitment to do it.

but, i surprised myself by loving the challenge. and the kids here love me - not just the ones that are my 'family', but their friends, her friends small kids, the kids that i babysit. they love me. the get happy when i show up. their parents love me. i'm good at it, at the mommy aspect of it. i'm nurturing and fun and kind. i play with them, and instead of yelling or arguing, i try to speak logically to them. and it works.

and so, i talked to my boyfriend to ascertain whether he had been serious when he said that he knew that i was his one true love and that he wanted to plan a future with me and love me and be good to me. and he means it - he knows what it means to me and he means it. and so, i told him that i want a family. i want to move here or somewhere like here, somewhere clean and green, where the people are nice and friendly and it's safe. where there is water and clean air and parks and animals and private schools and low cost of living. and i want to foster and adopt. i'm ready for my own family.

and he wants it too. he wants us to be happy, he wants me to be happy and he wants to have a family with me. he loves me, all of me, and thinks that the strength that i have gained from my disease and battles makes me even more beautiful and does not begrudge me the barrenness that my disease and treatment caused...he is happy to adopt with me. he is so great.

we talked about so many big things and spend so much time in each other's eyes, and got to see each other in action as a 'parent'. he was so great with the boys and they absolutely loved him and argued over him, and he was enjoying watching me be a mommy - he would come over and kiss me and tell me how awesomely i handled certain situations. :)

and so - we're going to make a family. and i am so excited. i'm so glad that my therapist has been working with me about accepting love and being less rigid.

i am so happy for my future and for my right now. i am happier than i have been in forever and getting happier every day!!

tired but can't sleep

again.

my sleep is suffering this week. it's troublesome and annoying and so many things i don't want to deal with right now. i'm not handling stress well, falling apart a bit & have been arguing with the people who are important to me. :(

it is hard to be hormonally challenged. my meds are making me have vivid nightmares and that sucks, but most of what sucks is i fell off the top of a ladder and landed my lower back on a door knob so that pain is pretty intense.

grrrr.

but - my weekend is going to be fantastic and i'm holding out for that! yayayayaya!!

migriane is a bad word

i awoke at 4.19 with a bad one. i can feel them, in my eye and my gut before there's even any real 'pain' to speak of...it's the aura.

the precursor to the pain. like appetizers are the food you eat to make you hungry (™Cartman), these throbby little sensations are the signals i feel to make me scared of the impending pain.

my life is a constant cycle of one pain or the other. Pelvic Nerve Damage, post-surgery on everything abdominal, intestines that don't work right...

and still i hike and treadmill and yoga and swim. i want my body to condition, to strengthen, to feel better. except at this point, and i'm mostly serious, i don't know how much physically stronger i could get. my body is prime, in the shape of my life almost. the muscles that i have built from pushing myself so hard so that i didn't think about the pain anymore because it's all there ever was...the hiking for another hour because i still felt the cramps in my pelvic floor, the crunches even though i wasn't supposed to because i still felt the pain in my pelvic floor...

everything pushing beyond the pain. the internal reasoning being two-fold. 1) if all that i feel is pain on the inside because of this external pain, i'm going to make it a monstrous external pain to match the consuming internal pain, and 2) the stronger my body during all of this ailment, the stronger i'll be to recover, the less the muscle mass will matter as i lie for weeks and weeks.

my psychic and spiritual advisor told me that my recovery would be long, much longer than i expected...but that it would be an encompassing recovery. one of body, mind and spirit, but that my physical would take the longest. that i would ail beyond when i thought that i would. i almost forgot about that, since the morning after my 6.5 hour major abdominal surgeries and organ removals and organ revisions and the rest, i grabbed my morphine drip, stood up and walked to the bathroom when my nurse told me that i couldn't get out of bed. i looked at her like she was the anti-christ, and then i cried on the toilet from the pain.

i dried my tears, went back to bed and told them that i wanted to walk. they said no. so when my surgeon came, i told him that i was going home and that i wanted to walk. he told me after the surgeries i had had, i wasn't going home...i had to walk for a long time, pass gas and poop to go home and it wouldn't happen. i said - i want to walk. i'm going home tonight, i've hiked during chemo, i've worked 80 hour weeks during chemo, i'm a machine...a machine that feels pain, but i'm going home tonight. so, he called the nurse in and said for her to walk me. i held my morphine drip and walked and walked, pushing the button that did little good but walking.

i made them take the drip out and put me on oral meds. i put sweats on. i walked. everyone in the world knew i was waiting for my intestines to work, so they kept asking - pass gas yet?? poop yet?? finally, i passes gas - willing every cell in my body to create that one function.

they brought me down to the sunroom to talk to women who had had lesser surgeries than me and who were still in bed...sad about the state of their reproductive organs, about their fate, refusing to move, to act...choosing instead to lie in bed hooked up to the machines.

they brought me in and said...'this is A, yesteday she had a hysterectomy, appendectomy, double oopherectomy, double salpingectomy, intestinal revision, scar tissue/adhesion removal, kidney stent, bladder revision and abdominal revision.'

everyone's jaw dropped - 'yesterday?' they asked. 'and you're walking today, answering your cell today?' 'but i only had myomectomy last week and i feel so bad', a couple said, still on their morphine drips.

and i said - 'of course you feel bad, i feel like shit. every cell in my body is screaming pain pain pain pain. it hurts, i hurt. i want to curl up in a ball and put the morphine drip back in and watch t.v and go to bed, and they would let me. but i'm not. this is my life, i've been 30 for ten days and i had these surgeries and it hurts but i'm going to live. i'm going to live my life while i live. i eat organic food and i've worked and exercised and kept my body primed through the pain of getting to this moment, and i'm going to live my life now. i'm going home tonight. i'm starting hormone replacement today. i'm going to hurt, but i'm going to do it on my own terms.'

and so i have.

i still hurt. a lot. a lot of the time. which is surprising and hard for me to accept...how slowly the body heals from such trauma, how much i thought the surgery would be a fix it all when right now it is a tool. i know that i will gradually feel better, have a lessening of the other pains, but i'll always have the nerve pain and the migraines from the HRT, so they're a part of my life i have to deal with...i can't ask the sun to stay down while i hurt and am out of pain meds, so the day goes on and so do i. i live, i type, i answer questions from my biological son and find moments to be completely happy depsite or beyond the pain with the people that i love.

living is my only motherfucking option, stopping's not.

and so, i'm sitting here full of abortive medicine for the headache which isn't helping, drinking coffe which isn't helping, all of the things that are supposed to help not helping, with a dog curled up by my feet, the sun coming up over the water, the bluebirds back nesting for their eggs...

and i live.

somewhere along the way...

somewhere along the way, i became...

something different than i have ever been. somewhere along the way, i became light on my feet, a hiker, someone who works out, someone who people refer to as tone. i became honest and willing to say the things that are and have been hard for me to say. i became strong and aware and confident and so aware of how fortunate i am to be alive that i've decided to live every single moment as if it's on loan, to do what i feel that i need to to find happiness.

but also, along the way, i became a mom. someone who babysits 3 eight year old boys. someone who makes cupcakes for baseball games and screams "Don't forget to have fun out there!!" and who gets angry when the coach reprimands My Boys! somewhere along the way, i became wifey and i didn't even realize it was happening.

somewhere along the way, i sped up and slowed down at the same time, which sounds impossible except it's happening to me.

i got tired of things that i thought i was fine with, angry about things i thought i had resigned myself to, willing to have the things that i want, the things that will make me happy - without sabotaging myself.

i don't know who i am anymore, this new me, but it's kind of interesting figuring it out every day.

surprises

when i got to the airport, my reservation had been mistakenly cancelled...by the airline. so, i didn't make my flight due to the mix up...i had to wait 3 hours for the next one. i was rerouted due to this, far out of the way. then, my flight was over half an hour late taking off...the exact amount of time i had to catch my connecting flight. a woman was walking crazy, she smacked me in my face and then looked at me, mumbled something incoherent and passed out face first in the aisle.

i had to take a bus to catch my connecting flight. it barely happened. then, super small plane - 26 people. the stewardess was fucked up and serving minors and laughing about it. i was in the last seat, right next to the bathroom. i hadn't eaten anything besides luna bars, i didn't plan for this kind of day. tired and hungry. he came to get me, a change in plans b/c of the change in timing. i wasn't expecting it, because it was so late with the time difference, but the other he was awake when i arrived.

it's been almost 2 years since i've seen him. i wasn't expecting to see him tonight. tired. disoriented. hungry. just not prepared. on the drive here, his dad started crying telling me about him, about how amazing he is and about how sometimes, when he is talking to him, he closes his eyes and it's me that he hears. how he says words exactly like i say them, how he talks like me, has the same personality. how he's a mini-me.

when i came in the door he shouted 'is she here?' and came barreling down the stairs and into my arms.

my son. my nearly 8 year old son. a human, a person all his own. no longer a toddler or small jealous boy who dislikes me taking his parents time and attention, but an 8 year old man child in my own image excited about seeing me. he's an athlete and won his ball game tonight that i was supposed to see - told me the details of certain plays and asked me to see his room.

i tried to act as if it were no big deal, something i was accustomed to, this feeling in my chest.

he is beautiful. amzing. perfect. he's a mirror image of me. the face, the eyes, the neck, the shoulders. small hands and feet that look like mine, skin the color of my skin, shoulders that slope like my own. you would think that i made him alone, that i cloned myself in male form and was solely responsible for his genetic make up. you would think that i had raised him, the way he makes the same faces that i do, puts the same emphasis at the same place in his sentences.

my son. they have always called him that, calling me and saying 'your son...'. but i have never allowed myself to think of him as such. it was too hard, always so much easier to not think of him possessively. because he's not *mine*, not really. i don't see him every day, see the subtle changes, laugh at the moments, cry at his pains, comfort him when he needs it, hug him every night.

sometimes, it is easier not to think of him at all. when i think about being 30 and post-hysterectomy. when i think that he is the only one that i will grow within me and present to this world, and how he is not *mine*. but, because i did something in my life perfectly, better than anyone could possibly imagine, i realized someting tonight. he is my son.

because i chose the perfect people to be his parents, because i chose for him what i had always wanted and never been even close to having at all - loving, good hearted people as parents, mom and dad, because i found him that and formed a relationship with them and gave them their dream, he can still be my son.

they are more incredible than i could ever know. i cannot have children any longer. i am at a tough place in my life. and they have made it possible for me to come here and hug my son. they have given me the opportunity to see my son's first communion. to watch him play baseball. to take him to the beach and watch him eat ice cream and hear him sing songs and watch him play video games. i gave to them their impossible, and now they have given it back to me when it became my impossible as well.

they are willing to share with me the gift that i gave them. he's not their son. and he's not my son.

he's our son.

it is the most amazing thing. and now i'm typing this before i force myself to sleep, because he has promised to jump on my bed in the morning. tomorrow, against the odds and despite the impossiblity, i will be awakened by my son.

headaches

i'm in a headache {migraine} cycle again.

i don't know if it has to do with antibiotics, or infection, or allergies, sinuses, stress...

probably a combo of all of it. but i keep having headaches. it's time to change my patch. my bladder is still not right.

grrrrrr. i just can't handle the physical downside of this taking forever to heal thing.

in other news, things are going well for me in areas other than the hurting. i'm happy with the progress that i'm making in therapy, with the people i have chosen to be close to & honest with, with the progression of my emotional/spiritual self and my interactions with people. i'm having some great self-awareness time every day, meditating, praying, striving towards becoming emotionally healthy. and working hard to figure out why i always think that if someone knows me for who i really am, they will not want me in their life anymore, and so i keep my 'real stuff' so close to my chest.

i'm working on being completely honest with my support network and figuring out who my support network really is. and being honest with myself about some of my co-dependent relationships.

life is hard, even when it's simple. i just want some healthy love in mine.

and i'm finding it, first in me. i'm learning to love me. and to accept the love of others. and, to be less rigid* (this is by far the most difficult for me and what my therapist works on the most, my having less rules and interacting less with people that hold emotional stuff at bay and keep it easy for me to be emotionally distant and less at risk.)

but anyway. less rules for me.

now i must go be exposed to the smog. my head is so excited. :/

Seen on Flickr

Day 105 Reject - USDA Grade A Prime
Originally uploaded by ardruna.

this is seriously awesome...

this just in...

i am in love with Michelle Malkin and Donny Deutsch is a Douche - http://gawker.com/news/lies-well-disguised/lies-well-disguised-donny-deutschs-makeover-252875.php

anyway, here's the thing. i've been holed up. thinking. thinking thinking meditating praying thinking.

changes are happening. big. structure & restructure. the building up of me is coming in the form of the tearing down of me.

i have officially lost everything. been humbled, brought down to zero.

but this is not the end of me, it is only the beginning of my story.

a new story.

as my roommate has reminded me, i would be homeless if it weren't for her. i am, almost literally, penniless. i await the decision (lengthy bureaucratic bs) of state and federal agencies regarding disability. it will be retroactive, but still...

in the meantime, i cannot work. physically & mentally, i am not capable anyway. i have done what i can and given the rest to the universe. i have heard the positive words and the negative words regarding my current status. i have absorbed advice that i neither asked for nor was in the position to take. i have reached the point of realization regarding many things, the primary one being that i do not have to feel guilty for where i am emotionally/physically/mentally.

i'm doing the best that i can - everything that the doctors tell me. taking all my meds. going to my sessions. exercising. but, i am also very recently post-major surgeries, recovering from a year of hardcore physical illness & major trauma of the surgeries. and, i'm menopausal, depressed, anxious.

this is me. i'm broke. and sometimes i feel broken. but, i'm not worthless. sometimes, some people in my life imply that other people in my life do the very nice things that they do for me for reasons other than that they care about me. and this makes me feel that they are implying that i'm not worth it, somehow. that i'm not the kind of person who warrants that kind of attention or affection or kindness, but that people who have something to prove are using me to prove it. that implication angers me, because i do not feel that i am beyond love. i feel very much worthy of love.

because we are all flawed. we are all on the edge of something. we are all damaged goods in some way. but at least i am owning up to mine, seeking a path to betterment all the way around. not just for the acute, immediate issue. but for the deeper issues as well. and i strive to be a good person, a kind person.

there is no such thing as perfection, therefore i do not strive for non-mistake making me. i want to be known as the me who will own her mistakes. who will apologize & do what is possible to fix them. i want to be honest. i want to be a better person. i want to only be a benefit to the lives that i am a part of and not a detriment.

the thing about other people in your life is this: Nice is overrated. everyone talks about how they are looking for a nice guy. but, anyone can be nice. nice is easy. I like considerate. Considerate shows effort. Considerate says: i know that you don't like being late so i will be on time, i know that you like comedies so i will see this movie with you, i know that you get up early for work so i will go to bed earlier, i know that you are sad so i will hug you, i know that you like cookies so i got you this...

Considerate says: I pay attention to the details and, because I care, contribute to them in small ways to show you that i want to be a positive force in your life, i want to be a source of reliability and happiness and contentment.

Anyone can be nice, few are truly considerate.

I have been fortunate in my life in that I have known some truly considerate people. and in the world of dating, i have also been fortunate to know considerate men. men whom i am still friends with because they made/make my life better. and i am lucky enough to have met one when i was about to go through what is, to date, the most trying time of my life.
my grandma says that i have a 'problem letting go of relationships', but i say that people come into our lives for a reason, and i can either see it for the positive & cherish that person for the good that they were/are in my life - or i can spend my time being a bitter, resentful woman who has poor relationships with men and negative viewpoints on previous relationships and creates negative new relationships because of it.

you will not catch me on the Men Ain't Shit train. it has never been my steez. and now, i believe that we create our own destiny in this life. so, if i bring my previous baggage about being cheated on or lied to or betrayed or whatever into a new something, and i expect that the same thing will happen, then eventually i will create that dynamic. eventually, he will live up (or down) to my expectations - even if only in my head.

so, i'm deciding to a) Love Me. flaws & all. scars, stretch marks, issues, ethics, taboos, history. i am worthy of love, especially from myself. and b) Bring Positive Expectations & try not to let past issues effect current situations.

somewhat like an addict, i am taking every single thing one day at a time. and i'm pursuing happiness, positivity and serenity. i am making the changes, pursuing the things & people that bring me contentment and smiles.

and, i'll take Consideration over Nice any day.

to everyone in my life who reads this and knows where i am and what's coming, the sun's gonna shine in a mile...

in a mile we'll be feeling fine...

...you will close the door behind you,

go your way.

not for the first time i'm looking back on my first love.

i was old, by any standard, for any culture.

unable to think or speak or think or move. hand in glove.

taken aback by the ferocity with which my heart could betray me and love so completely another. ache so much for another. want so much to make another happy - with my intelligence, my conversation, my laughter, my body, my moans, my mouth, my everything.

where is he? he once meant so much to me. i was told love should hold old friends...

not for the first time i'm looking back on all those years.

names ringing in my ears... a time when there was just a bunch of us, around the playstation, the softball field, the waterpipe, the pool table, crawling up the street carrying vodka bottles with nipples screaming HAPPY NEW YEAR!

where are they? they once meant so much to me. i was told love should hold old friends...

...you will close the door behind you, go your way. time will make amends to me. life has moved on.

all of the borderlines have been redrawn...

no more fucking news for me

this is a blog for grown-ups. i should say that now. (a year later, right?)

i curse, i vent. i say ridiculous shit. i deal with my issues at therapy, with a couple of select friends, and in this space. so yeah, no kiddos here.

anyway, i'm not watching the news any longer. i can't take it. it's so depressing, how they target in on something and just pound it to death. mediabistro started reporting almost immediately yesterday that everyone was on their way to Blacksburg to do their reports from there today. people are doing special hour long reports from there. it's ludicrous. how many times can you say the same thing?

he was fucking crazy. he was actually, probably up until then, on the edge. we're all on the edge of something. he was on the edge of psychotically killing people. and whatever was going to push him over that edge happened. and it's terrible. a terrible, terrible thing. but i can't digest any more of it. there's no more to know. it makes my stomach hurt. it makes me sad. for all of those families, all of those young lives.

i have lived the heartache of watching a young life, my best friend, be taken away. in the blink of an eye. body parts torn asunder. blood, cellular stuff, i have watched and touched and felt life end. young life. it is horrible and there is nothing that can ever ever ever match it and every time that i know that it is happening, traumatically, bloody, horribly, i hurt for the people who will have to identify them, who will have to know that that is how they went, who will have the what if's and the questions and the not understanding.

i am still friends with her mom. she still asks me questions. it's been almost 13 years. she still asks me questions. she had a nervous breakdown. i was the only one that would go see her. i live thousands of miles away, we write, i call her. i loved her. i love her mom. i will never stop being there for her. but there are some questions that have no answers. that what this situation has created for so many families, so many people...so many quesions that have no answers.

ugh. this day is challenging. it started with 3 hours of therapy. meh.

the eyes i see with

things that don't need to happen, in my opinion:

~you don't need to tell a dog 'up'. they're smarter than us for a reason. they had to brave the 'wild' for a long time & i think that they may have learned to jump when necessary. this is all, of course, subjecture on my part. maybe dogs don't know when to jump up on a sidewalk. maybe they have no idea that they need to Poooooo Pooooooooo or Peeeeeeeee Peeeeeeeeeee outside. maybe they are merely here to be our pick-up toys for the opposite sex.

~protein bars don't need to cost more than a dollar each. what the eff are they putting in those things that they cost almost $3 each?

~people don't need to go on to college campuses wielding guns and killing random people. what the fuck? seriously. i'm stressed out all day now. i mean, when is something like that going to happen in los angeles, i wonder? a city this big, as many crazy people as i meet and see. i know it's only a matter of time before some psycho pulls out a weapon in my therapists office or on the bus or some shit. damn. or in Whole Foods because they don't have his beets. or the post office. i'm never going into the post office again. ugh.

~i don't need to wake up suddenly allergic to oxygen. my eyes swollen and my throat closed and not able to breathe. having never had allergies, i'm pissed to the max about this.

~i don't need people reposting my All Rights Reserved Flickr photos on other websites. fucking jackasses.

i do need to just stop participating! ugh.

where do i go?

lately i've felt like i can't find my words. my tears are here. but i've felt lost on the inside. my meds are keepin me relatively calm on the outside, i only lose my cool about 30% of the times that i'm actually feeling it. but i don't necessarily think that that is a good thing.

but i don't know either. maybe it's fine. maybe other people shouldn't suffer just because i'm all fucked up. maybe i should just take the drugs and be sedated and be fine on the outside and be forced to fake a smile that lasts every day of my life.

today, my doctor said to me...'tell me. just because i can't fix it doesn't mean that i don't want to know what's going on. tell me.' and then he said, not once but five times, 'i want to know what's going on with you always. please stay in touch with me. please drop me a line. if i can do anything for you, please let me know. i want to know what's going on with you.'

he could tell that something was wrong and that i was going inside myself. he told me of the major trauma that my body has undergone, not only the surgeries, but also just the years of pain and disease. and my strength to have endured it. he told me about how all of the data that they have is for women 63 and up, whose bodies were menopausal and therefore there is no data for women who are 30. i'm in unchartered territory here. he did invasive internal exams and took samples and they did lots of bloodwork (and i almost passed out in the sun waiting for my bus :( )

so, he's a good doctor. he told me that they rarely have a 100% success case as far as chronic pain goes and that he knows that once i get my mood stabilized and my depression dealt with and my anxiety handled and my hormone dosage levelled (most of it comes from this), that i'm going to do great. he cares. that was nice.

i just am so stressed out, about so many things. it hurts to be so confused, in so muc turmoil, and feel as if no one gets it, or really even cares that much. as if i have to pay someone (my psychiatrist) to care.

i'm just exhausted, maybe. it's been a long week.

a really long week. my first one.

this is the place i live

but so does everyone.

i'm not special.
my sadness. my pain. my aloneness.

nothing special.

been had before, by many before me.

i'm not special.

i keep forgetting that.

life is just one humiliation after another...and we should just get used to it.

hormones teach you humiliation. your place. crying in public teaches you humiliation. your place. anger. rage. hormones. loss of control. they teach you humiliation. your place in the world.

am i prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me?

this moment...i don't know. i don't know if i have the strength to know.

exhaustion. i'm exhausted. but rest is not healing me. i'm not whole hearted. i can't find me. i have to find my ability to make friends with the unknown.

life sans disease is almost as scary as life with it.

maybe my moment's gone

i'm not the same person i seem to be.
all of this depresses me...

i won't listen.
i won't talk.
my life is weightless.
i mean a lot.
i mean a little.
i'm brittle.

maybe this *is* me.

i have to go back on the anti-depressants. i have to take the sleeping meds as prescribed. i have to, once again, be me under the influence of fucking pharmaceuticals.

because i am ill equipped. my body can't handle it. my head can't handle it. my heart. the trauma. the slow eeking of my stability that has occurred over the past few years. the see-saw of illness & my battle to claim health. the financial burden of a long-term illness. of chronic pain.

so, i keep thinking that this isn't me. and i want to find the me that i was before. but maybe this is me.
maybe i am depressed and anxious.

i'm taught by experience and therefore worse, i know that much. just a fucking version of the truth of me.
and everyone wants a piece of me...energy, pills, advice, help, conversation. and i don't feel like i have anything to give. not even to myself.
maybe my moment's gone.

i need an escape. a way out of my head. i am not equipped to deal with life & the people in it. i am not equipped to deal with being responsible for the how my actions affect others on a daily level because in a large sense, i really don't give a fuck. not about them, per se, but just about all of it. life. the things that are happening outside my mind that is racing and my heart that is pounding and my pelvic floor that is still having pain.

i am not equipped to deal with people who can only see me in relation to them. who cannot even try to step out of the box that 'we' are in and try to see or imagine the depths of where i am, the mental anguish that brings me to a place where i would say that i cannot reign in control. that i must cry. that i must seek aloneness and healing. that i want to be left alone.

i need to take time to catch my breath and choose my moment. i'm sliding. i think my pain belongs to me but forget that it's happened to so many before me. i'm sliding. i forget to remember that i'm only human, it's okay to make mistakes and not have it all figured out. i'm sliding.

i am trying to be a good girl and give everyone what they want, but i got nothing.

...sometimes, you have to let go, close your eyes & let it crash.
lonely isn't a strong enough adjective...
words are my enemy now.

I lack the necessary tools to help me get right. I can't poke a hole in my chest and pull my heart through, and though there are some that would take me any way that they could have me, I don't want to have someone take their place as my temporary savior. I bring along everything - my ethics and my issues and my taboos. i'm heavy now.

there's a documdrama on - sometimes in italian

about how expensive a major &/or long-term illness is, about how it can cost all of your money and more.

it is poorly acted.
the actors are not attractive.
the doctor makes me feel like i am watching my life over the past years.

then, it cuts to this commercial for Insurance, of some kind. the difference between HMO & PPO. before this was a drama, all in Italian.
before that, i don't remember. i took pics. i ate crackers. i cleaned & read. i am learning that 39 million people in the U.S. do not have health insurance. that sucks...almost as much as how much i have to pay to have health insurance.

i can't sleep. the back and forth of hormones and insomnia is killin me.

i have therapy *group* in a few hours. ***yawns***

i can't believe that i brought Pudding Pops. that's awesome!! yay!

i want to nap.

if no one calls & i don't speak at all,

do i disappear somewhere?

i don't understand anything. nothing. at all.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be free?

or am i selfishness and ego? is that what i carry with me everywhere i go?

...this feeling that my life is incomplete.

i only know this...i start to cry. i can't tell you why. i stumble. i can't let people in. because i don't understand anything.

there's this pain in my chest all the time...beyond the physical pain. it's the pain of not knowing what the fuck is going on.

of knowing that everyone is watching me stumble and trip, of my fingers losing my grip, of me being down on my knees. and wondering if this is what they wanted to see?

sometimes, i feel gripped by fear and doubt.

my spiritul advisor said this today : Whenever you are about to achieve something major, a great breakthrough, cross a giant threshold, the dark side of your nature will bombard you with fear and uncertainty. ...it is only with total certainty in your power can you hope to dominate the sabotaging aspect of yourself.

i feel like there is a miracle waiting for me...that all that i need to do is focus on the problem and walk towards it with total certainty. i'm just too attached. i need to detach, and focus on the outcome and not this journey, this oh so difficult journey, that i'm on.

sometimes, i want to say to people...am I bothering you? You wouldn’t be bothered if you knew what I’ve been through.

i know that all the good reasons i have to be mad at people vanish once i take a peek behind the curtain. i have to remember to ask the light/the univere/the gods to help me understand the pain that drives a person, so that i can see their chaos and their pain and their reasons. because that is what i want from them.

i want them to see the pain that drives me, my chaos, my conflict, my struggle.

today, starting today, i want to resist holding onto the bad feelings that i feel. i want to open my heart and focus the beam of my compassion onto the people in my life. i know that i need compassion, love and forgiveness.

i am prepared to give what i need. i am asking the universe for patience in the receiving of what i need.

i am asking the universe for guidance. for the strength to love myself, to forgive myself, to find the knowledge of what i am worth in this world.

i don't know what i'm worth in this world. i'm self-deprecating. i expect so much and accept so little. i want to know with absolute certainty what i am worth in this world.

my meditation tonight was really good. i met someone great today, a great lady, whose daughter is going through the beginning of what i have lived for the past years. it was all so random, but i feel that the universe placed me in their lives to help her...i honestly didn't even know why i was walking there. and then i was telling her my story. then BAM...she said, i can't believe you said that, about that, because my daughter has all that you have just said and i wasn't going to say anything but when you said ________, i knew for sure that you have really lived it b/c i watch her do that every day. will you help me? will you share with me what you know?

and so i took her info and told her i would contact her tomorrow. i won't leave my bed or my self-suffering for me, but i will do it for others who can benefit from my suffering, and maybe the universe knows this. maybe i'm supposed to start a group or something.

i just know that i'm back to walking the city late at night. i'm restless. i am in transition.

i need a tapeplayer walkman.
i need to prepare for tomorrow.

Happy Passover.

Good Pesach | Happy Passover

since things fall apart, I'll be having my Seder tomorrow night (which is still totally acceptable).

i have a lot to think about with this Pesach, because it is the first time that it means so much to me.

it is also me acknowledging to my friends that my Judaism means more to me now, when i for a long time eschewed religion.

i want to know that i am in the place that the creator intends for me, the universe, the gods. that i am giving the energy that i need to to get the life that i want.

there is so much that i want.

i feel like i am waking up after a long coma, and there is so much that i haven't known or dealt with for years that is pressing in on me now.

i walk the city late at night...does anyone here do the same?

i want to be the things i claim.

more later, i have to run out.

i'm not a psycho i just cry a lot

New hormone replacement patch day one. it keeps being day one again. day one sucks. jeezus.

fuck fuck fuck.

i got mail from social security today. at least i showered. and had a very, very short walk.

the things that are weighing on my mind are very heavy.

which sucks, behind my head hurts so badly.
this migraine...it won't stop.

or even abate a little.

throb throb throb.

patch = eat all day. cry. crave. but today's headache / hunger / craving / all of it / has included vomiting since 3 a.m. as well.

i know that i will adjust. need to adjust. i think maybe this is a virus or food borne illness on top of it and maybe just bad timing, but it has made the hot flashes and stomach/digestive things far worse.

i cannot focus. i am hurting incessantly. what the fock?

depression is a hell of a thing to battle.

:(

it's decision time again

one thing - i've said this before, my standards have been, at best, undemanding.

i'm still here, but what if i weren't? where would any of the rest of anything be, that falls in relation to me?

i feel like a lot of the love in my life, a lot of the love that i have learned, depends on geography.

i feel like, for too long, i've given too much of myself to people...even the people who matter a lot, matter the most. like i forgot to remember that I matter THE most!!

when i say i've given too much of myself, i mean i've been too complacent, forgiven too much, accepted too much, not been willing to stand up for myself even on the small things because i've been so unwilling to have confrontation.

i don't want to do that anymore. i'm not sure exactly what my future holds, but i know that one aspect of it is me evolving into a woman with a stronger sense of self. which is different than being a strong woman.

i'm not sure how to feel about some things...

except to know this: i can only be responsible for me. i can only ask others to be responsible for themselves and hope that that responsibility reflects one that mirrors my own, therefore their presence in my life doesn't hurt me. not everyone is like me - not everyone wants to be featured in my blog just because they are part of my life but that doesn't mean that they don't love me, and it doesn't mean that the people who are willing to jump into the public forums of expression are necessarily any *more* better suited for me or love me more or better.

we, or i, try to quantify things that don't necessarily always need to be quantified.

i don't even know what all of my thoughts are about, i just know that my brain is full. it's decision time again.