this is my last blog of 2006. i've spent the day being pretty conemplative, which doesn't make me special, as i'm sure that a lot of you have as well.
i spent the day going hours and hours into the mountains of northern california. -well, first, i got up this morning and had a walk along a path on some cliffs that dead dropped over the sea. scary but awe inspiring at the same time. life or death, but on a far more real level than cancer that lives in my uterus. this was life or death that depended on my foot fall. and life or death that i could see...huge rocks on the way down and a vicious, churning sea crashing into large rocks at the bottom. oh, and it was thirty-five degrees. personally, i found the realness of it invigorating and this trip probably saved my life.
anyway, after the walk i climbed back into bed, and then, i got up and went up to Hearst Castle and had a tour. if you don't know anything about Bill Hearst or the Hearst family other than the kidnapping of Patty (or, if you don't even know about that), you should really research it and look into the castle. it's fascinating history that i've always been intrigued by and the castle did not disappoint. on the almost 2 hour tour i took almost two hundred photos and made awesome friends with Bob, the tour guide, who was in his seventies and a wealth of knowledge with great jokes and a good personality!
anyway, then i went further and further north into the mountains. first, i was level with the heavy white and gray clouds, and then i was somewhat above them. the mountains were amazing. the landscape. the terrain. i am so incredibly small and insignificant in the scheme of things. there were cows, and horses, and deer (little bitty tiny baby deer!!!!), and wolves, and bunnies, and rattlesnake. eep!!
i walked all the way out onto this pier, by this church, and cried at the most breathtaking views of the clouds and sun over the ocean, at the waves crashing against rocks bigger than most houses in the town that i am from...the skies that i saw today were some of the most incredible that i have ever seen in my life. and, the way that i have felt about clouds and skies lately, as if there is some kind of peace for me in their contemplation, it was special for me. it was so cold on the pier!!! i had to wear gloves. which, if you know much about my life in california, you know that that is rare, especially in the day time. lol.
but, as i was standing on the pier, this bird was coming toward me. i looked up and he slowed down to almost looking as if he were just magically hovering there instead of flying. but he kept coming right at me. i started talking to him, and he landed on the railing directly in front of me. he large and pristinely white. i said, 'i'm going to take your picture', and he just sat there. and he just kept staring at me. and suddenly i started crying and saying what a tough year it's been, and cold, and how i feel like my entire year has been that moment on that pier...cold and lonely, surrounded by beauty that is out of my reach, and that the rocks and violent, crashing waves are closer, and when is my peace going to come. this really weird, breaking time.
and then the bird looked and me and turned his head and flew off towards the church. so, i'm going to find a meditation center when i get back home and actually make a place for god and spirituality in my life. and, the fact that i haven't prayed in so long needs to change. i need to reach out. i want to make a place for god in my life.
i stopped at this viewing place and sat on this rock and watched one of the most beautiful sunsets that i have ever seen, truly truly incredible and breathtaking.
and then i had some soup and uploaded my pics and swam in a pool that was heated to eighty-four degrees on a bluff overlooking the sea. this resort is really nice and i am lucky to be here. tomorrow, i am having a massage by a physical therapist who specializes in massage for patients with chronic pain and disease to relieve muscle pain and body tension. i cannot wait!!
so, on this, my last blog of 2006, i have decided that my life is not going to magically change. i live as best i can, but i can do better. i can fight more. i am not dead, and until i am, i can fight harder. this disease, these medicines, this shit has not killed me and until it does, i will do everything in my power to be peaceful, liberated, content and happy. those are the things that i want for me.
no longer will i accept second best in my life. i am better than that. this new year is starting a new chapter for me. i'm not going to call myself names or be hard on me or judgemental of me, and i'm not going to allow that behavior from others either. i have suffered and i have been strong and this is the time for gentle healing for both my spirit self and my physical self. i am going to be gentle with me, allow myself room for mistakes, room to grow, to flourish, to be all of the wonderful amazing strong and beautiful things that i am, and i will only use my time with people who will do those things for me as well.
no more will i accept anything less than what i deserve for myself. and i deserve to be treated with love and respect and kindness and affection...from myself and others. especially from myself.
this is going to be a good year. i have decided that this is going to be a good year.
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