not dead, burning up...the fever is consuming me

just not doing well.

the thing, it's inside me now. it's big. bigger than i could have imagined. and i was shocked when i saw it and knew where it would go. anyway, it's caused problems. pain. infection. the like. hot from the inside out and been in bed for quite some time now. back again, after leaving.

always leaving and back again.

there was danger of being in trouble...there still is. if they want to find me, they will. the hiding is pointless so i stopped. the code everyone was pretending not to get was relevant. i'm hot and tired.

one more trip in the near future...less than a week from now, for less than a week. and then some moments of solitude. again.

i'm not sleeping until the sun comes up. i start my day with help to motivate and focus. i end my day with help to slow down and rest. this is me now. distracted. pained. medicated. struggling.


Power Napping: How To Fall Asleep Anywhere

The trick is the use sleep MP3s. They are essentially MP3s that play white noise for the duration of the nap, and then slowly wake you up by playing a variety of sounds. What's great is that you can play them on your computer speakers, or make them portable by putting them on your iPod or cell phone.

read more | digg story

help, i have done it again

i'm tired. and struggling. and saddish. i don't want to fight this fight anymore. i don't want to want for health and just some moments to rest. i'm so exhausted. i'm falling apart. need rejuvenation. help.


Soldier Who Captured Saddam is Sick, But Left to Rot By VA

Army Spec. Jeans Cruz helped capture Saddam Hussein. In public, he stood tall for the cameras and marched in the parades. In private, he slashed his forearms to provoke the pain and adrenaline of combat. The VA which is supposed to help, however refused his request, saying there was insufficient evidence to prove he engaged in combat.

read more | digg story

for now, my dream place.

townhome. top floor of townhome. private bathroom with jacuzzi tub. large bedroom with not one, but TWO studio lofts, one for working out and one office space. private entrance from rooftop - with amazing view of mountains & patio furniture for 'having breakfast or coffee or whatever.', fireplace, amazing kitchen, front and back lawn, trees, insanely nice neighborhood, washer & dryer, studio for music & lighting for photography.


and, unbelievably affordable. like, i almost cried when she told me the price...and then, she said, 'are you interested?', and i said, 'yes.' and she replied - okay, i'm giving you a free week, you can move in _____, you're perfect and my favorite. you can give me rent before i leave, just call me. and we shook hands. that was it. no grueling jumping through hoops. no bs. just, i like you and i like you too, i like your shoes i like your stuffed animal. boom. and she's ocd about cleanliness too!!

i'm so at peace right now. :) yay me!


my work

featured on the flickr blog here...

as well as Now Publichere :)


...the shock sets in, the stomach acid finds you...

i need a good run, a good workout, a good exercise, a good 'being bent over and fucked the shit out of' session, something.


let's get these two hearts beating faster. faster. or at least mine.

i haven't had sex in too long. i haven't felt like what i was doing meant anything today. everything is too easily voided, the cleaning too easily dirtied behind, the words too quickly spoken over, the screaming too often assaulting my ears today.

i'm just fucking hormonal, annoyed, cannot find my center of gravity right now.