tug of war | only one more procedure this year!

admitting failure is hard. admitting that something that you're involved in is failing is such a challenge. especially when it's failing not because of low energy, but because no one is just taking it. there's tons of tug of war, plenty of offers and acceptance, but no one wants to forward the offers. or finally one will move to forward things and the other blocks. tug of war is exhausting. and all that i'm getting is tired.

it's a big world. a lot of struggle. a lot of hard, hard moments. i want to be on the same side as the people in my life, working to pull each other away from the bullshit together rather than the tug of war. i'm tired of only getting tired.

i'm totally ready to find the joy in my life. i think some things are sinking in. i'm starting to listen when i hear certainty inside myself again. it's been a long time of standing on this precipice...scared and fragile and hopeless. i'm ready for the next step. i think i finally know what it is. i think that i'm going to be okay, and then better than okay, very soon.

only one more procedure left this year!!! (and very soon, once again i can't sleep. last night was the same and a couple of nights before that :/)...but anyway, only one more!!! yay!!! then no more procedures in 2007! i'm so ready to say goodbye to this year!!

it's almost here...


i don't have it in me for the phone lately.

honestly, i know that my voicemail is full. i've got 68 unreturned text messages. the voicemails are not checked. inbox is stockpiling and i've, honestly, no intention of getting to it right now.

i really just cannot deal with the prospect of saying the same thing countless times, answering the same questions, making the same explanations, hearing the same unspoken heaviness on the other end. truthfully, i'm tired. lately, i think the same things a lot...i think about how i don't want to go to the doctor/take these hormones/change these hormones, i think about how i want to hang out with someone who gets excited to see me, i think about how i want - maybe more close, i need - to get out of this lane that i'm in and travel, be elsewhere, experience newness again. i think about how i want someone to make me breakfast. i think about when i was sick the first time and things would fall apart...i think about how in that time i would start to lose it and break some, and he would come to me and grab me and hold me so tight. he would literally try to absorb what was happening, what was coursing through me, and would hold me so tight and so close until i was past anger, past frustration, past rage, past the bullshit of the moment, and had arrived safely at that moment. the one in which i was getting a hug and someone cared beyond the hug and maybe i didn't have forever, but i had those next few hours at least, so why not make them good? i think about how i want that again.

and a lot, i think about all of the deconstruction that has happened since then. how many times i have fallen apart and tried to put myself back together. how many times i have fallen apart from the effort. i think about all of the effort that it has taken to get here, and all of the effort that it takes not to let the effort show. i think that i probably shouldn't let myself fall apart anymore, because once you do that it just keeps happening. it's time to work on being strong now.

anyway...that was just a glimpse into me right now, because i know that i've been playing my cards pretty close to my chest for a minute.

if i were to call you back, or text you back, or check my email and reply, this is what i would say...
thank you. i hope that your holidays were/are great too. yes, i spoke to my doctor{s}. yes the biopsy results are back. i'm having two procedures back to back, one the first thing tomorrow morning and one the next day. yes, i'm slightly worried, but i've been starting/am starting new meds and am making promises to do what they want me to do at the beginning of the year. i'm going to be fine behind these procedures, it's just the mental heaviness of getting there...not literally, just figuratively getting to that point. like i said, i'm tired of doctors and clinical settings. i wish that the next part could start now. i'm ready for the next part.

so, i would apologize for the lack of contact, but right now i don't have a heartfelt apology in me. it's just been what it is, getting to these appointments and what is on the other side of them. soon, i'll be back. soon. be well.


if i could fly away

i wouldn't come back no more.
i'd turn around just to see it all for the last time.
it wouldn't be easy.
but i'd go.


there is no fairy tale | trust.

i went to a movie screening tonight, of a movie i don't really want to put here to be forever known as one i viewed in the theatre before it even was released. it's not a movie that i'd have paid to see. we'll just say that.

and it struck me that movies play a huge role in why people find relationships so difficult. movies portray 'true love' as what is felt if a man is willing to go against stereotype and convention to be 'romantic', 'emotive', to sing and dance to you, to profess his love and perform a Grand Gesture.

and i feel like a lot (not all) of women absorb this message and eat it up. they decide that this is how their significant other *should* treat them, or how their future mate needs to treat them. and they put so much value on this showy stuff that someone & something perfectly good for them will be tossed aside because it isn't the fairy tale. people want the happy ending.

the thing, to me, is that the happy ending is just where the story stops being told. fact of the matter is, this is a bumpy ride, this Life. it's rough sometimes, there are ups and downs, some of them horrendous downs, and no one gets out alive. someone is always going to have to die before someone else. someone is always going to have to be the strong one when shit is happening, someone is going to have to be the rock, someone is going to have to be the one who adapts more readily to flaws and issues. it's the way of the beast where interactions and interpersonal relationships are concerned. some truly horrid shit might happen to the strong one which reduces their ability to be strong, and the other person is either going to learn to soldier on without being spoiled, without being treated like a prince/princess, without all the romance and grand gestures, or they decide that what they want is more important than any other thing and they walk away.

but, to me, that's not love. to me, love is not something which is solidified when times are good and the gestures and the romance are there, when the sex is constant and great and the times had are always great. to me, love is solidified when things are mundane, common, and not so great. to me, love settles when someone can acknowledge that i talk too much and my sleep schedule is fuct and i'm outspoken and sassy, but place value in my myriad of good qualities which they respect and admire beyond those...and let the positive be the focus. love, for me, is solidified when i care about how he eats, how motivated he is to find the joy in his life, how much he cares about politics and knowledge, but i care more about him as the person that i have chosen to love more than any of those single things and so i can choose not to nag or snark him about things he does that i don't agree with.

and i think that a kind of love that maybe alters us is built in times of struggle, hardship and difficulty. for instance, when i got sick again not so long ago, i had been dating someone new-ish. i knew that i liked him, that he intrigued me, challenged me, made me laugh, made me comfortable, made me question things and pushed me to question myself and grow. but, i didn't know love for him then. and then, the words from the doctor came. and i expected that he would run, and run far and fast. treatments which put a young woman in hormone suppression, menopause, and do all of the physical/emotional/mood altering things which mine did would probably cause someone years into something to pause and think 'i did not sign up for this.' so, i was not expecting someone whom i had only had in my life for less than a year to absorb it and still care.

this person, however, stepped up to be what i needed more than anything right then...he stepped up to be a good friend. he took me to doctor's appointments and treatments, he hung out with me when i was so sick that all that i could do was lay and look in the direction of the t.v. & he took me for soup at weird times and brought washcloths to me when i was later throwing up that soup. when the hot flashes took over, he showed up with a fan and tolerated frigid temperatures in which only i could be comfortable to hang out with me. he endured raging hormones and constant mood swings, neediness and pushing away, meltdowns and the physical changes, and while he wasn't perfect in how he handled those things always, he was good for me far more than he could ever even know, and i grew to love him so much.

in retrospect, i have been awed by him. at the time, i wasn't able to see clearly what it was like for someone in that position. i wasn't able to think about what it must be like for someone to watch a person that they care about be ravaged by something so beyond their ability to fix, or even attempt to fix. i wasn't able to process how difficult it must be to watch all of these things happen to a person that you like - both the physical things and the ways that it altered my personality and my moods - and know that there is a chance that they could die at the end of this. i can't imagine how difficult it was to make a decision to keep being a friend to this person, which means that feelings continue to grow, and to know that there is such an uncertainty while doing so. to watch them hurt and need and lash out and not be able to do anything but absorb it.

all that i could do, all that i could think about, in that time period, was ME. all that i could do was continue on every day, muster the courage and the strength to endure it and try to hope. i couldn't see how hard my moods and neediness and pain and hunger and desire-for-something-certain were to be on the receiving end of. i couldn't see how much my pain hurt the people close to me, because my pain was all consuming. my anger was big. my resentment was big. my moods were shitty. and i wanted the people that i loved to help me to carry something which only i could shoulder. i wanted constantness because there was so much inconstancy. i wanted promises because so much wasn't promised. i wanted to be comforted and told that *he* would be there because i wasn't sure that i would be. and in the face of all of these needs and wants and desires, he was able to be honest with me about what he could and couldn't do and give, even though there probably wasn't very much of anything which could have satisfied me in that time period...and so i could not be pleased.

i realize now that no matter what happens to me going forward in this life, i will always love this person. i will always want for him happiness and health and every good thing. my love for him is something which was cemented by all of the things that he didn't do and not by the things he did do. i didn't grow to love him because he brought me flowers and candy, because he said the right thing all of the time, because he took me to romantic dinners or bought me trinkets, because he didn't do those things. i love him because he didn't turn away from the bullshit, he didn't endure a crying fit or a screaming episode or a harsh tone and walk away. he didn't stop being my friend because things got tough for me and so for him by proxy. he didn't wash his hands of me because this wasn't what he signed up for. he didn't tell me to fuck off when i called at 3 a.m. and asked him to take me to the emergency room or to get soup after being a total bitch to him earlier. he didn't write me off because i wasn't able to be perfect in the face of some pretty not perfect shit.

i love him and hope that he is always a part of my life for how much i appreciate all of this now. i regret that so much time was 'wasted' during my time of hardship, and that so much of the tone of how we interact was set during a time when i was so not my true self, but i do not regret keeping my heart open to him or growing to love him. and i recognize that hoping for the fairy tale may be what gets some people through, but i know that for me, i'll take someone who will bring a fan and some soup and sit with me during hospital visits over someone who gives flowers and jewelry but can't handle the less than perfect times any day. for me, there is no fairy tale. there is only this life, and it is hard just as much as it is good, and it is flawed and dirty and there are often tears, but it is so amazing to get to live it every day. and to have people who will be there in the valleys just as tough as they are at the peaks.

and for this amazing story of friendship, there have been far more of those who didn't maintain. who couldn't, for whatever reason, be there until the end. like i said, it is hard to care about someone who is changing so much, who is so affected by external and internal stimuli every day, whose strength and hope and humor fades as her body diminishes. it must be so incredibly hard, i can't imagine. so, losing friends as i did during that time period, my ability to trust took a hit. i started closing myself off to most people, because if i couldn't trust the people who had been a part of my life for so long to be there, why trust new people enough to let them in? or why trust those who were there to stay? but what i've decided to embrace is this...

people aren't going to earn it. this measure of trust that i hold back which keeps me from being able to fully give myself to friends or lovers or whomever, no one is going to earn that. they can't. i have to give it, as a gift, both for myself and for the people that i care about. so, i'm going to try that. the space and love and happiness that i want in my life, i'm going to try to give it to those whom i care about and trust that they will treat it with respect. i am going to try to trust that when people make mistakes which hurt me, that it isn't a reflection of how they feel about me, but rather their own internal issue which has nothing to do with me. i am going to try to trust and love without expectation.

and i am going to try to be as good a friend to the people that i enjoy as i am lucky enough to have enjoyed. i am going to try to trust enough to know that when someone isn't behaving as i think they should to me, that it isn't about how they perceive my worth but more about their desires and capabilities. and i am going to try to trust the universe enough to believe that my needs will be met even if all of my desires aren't fulfilled, and that it is for the best for me in ways which i can't see right now.


you've got to believe in something - why not believe in me?

• respond/react. i just did something i so should not have done for all of the wrong reasons.

• i know that we're all here for a reason on a particular path, but i certainly don't feel like i'm on the right one right now. this detour has been hellacious. i need more determination/dedication/motivation.

• the end of the year is going to mark the end of Digital Cashmere. if you want to get at me regarding where the new homebase will be, feel free.

• it was good to be with old friends.

• even when we disagree, and freedom reaches out a hand to me, i know that i would never want to be without your company. and i mean that totally.

• postcard from s. africa received...it is the same and it is so completely different. soon. i miss it too. you know how.


:/ | :| | :*)

first : you should really read this http://posting.triggerstreet.com/gyrobase/Submission?oid=oid%3A1264285 by my friend Adam and comment/leave feedback/rate it. he's good. i want good things for him.

beyond that, i'm tired and sore and have to have another stupid procedure on monday, so i'm not really feeling like blogging too much lately. the one thing i do have to say is this : you can experience moments of true generosity of spirit and positivity by others, but you have to be willing to be the person who will sit and talk to the guy next to them. you have to be willing to put your hand out there first...to reach out.

that's all that i have right now. i hope that your end of year isn't too stressful.