please hear my anguished words of truth

so because my bosses sometimes love me, and they are of the affluent beverly hills country club cancer survivor variety, my team of medical professionals are of the best that money can buy. so when i woke up today at 1.50 (this is very late for me) feeling again like i couldn't turn my head and couldn't swallow and couldn't move, i called my doctor in tears and told him how i felt. he told me that he would open his office to see me and to meet me there. i got there and he got there and he prepared a room as the cleaning people had not been there (he worked an 18 hour shift in the emergency room last night and looked exhausted).

so, he cleaned the room and put all of the tools that he would need out, without complaining, simply telling me how exhausted i looked and how much he worried for me and how much i needed to take a break from my job. so he laid me down and did a full exam and bam, i have strep throat and my mono is reactive. he had called the lab tech in to rush the rest of the blook work back so there's more stuff to wait for but those two on top of everything else that has been going on is just 'fucking bleach'.

so fucking annoying. i'm so tired of being sick. i'm so tired of my body being run down my these chemo treatments and not being able to handle the regular contact with the outside world.

i have 20 bottles in my prescription medicine area, where i have to set up my medicine conainer for the day. i spend over 500 dollars a week on doctor's appointment copays and medicine copays. i'm tired of being broke and having to validate buying the tennis shoes that i want when they're on sale because i have bills due with my surgeon and my neurologist and my pain speciialist and my pain management therapist and my urologist and my gynocologist and my pharmacy solutions who dispenses my chemo and my internist and my psychiatrist and i have hundreds of thousands of dollars of in outstanding medical bills.


my life has been altered so much. which is fine, for the most part, on a daily level, i can deal with it.
but sometimes, sometimes i get so tired.

sometimes i need some attention.

sometimes i want to be held and stroked and told that everything is gonin to be okay like when i was little and i would fall and my grandma would scoop me ino her lap and rock me and tell me over and over that everything was going to be okay, that no matter what she was there.

i don't have that person now. i don't have anyone who, no matter what, is going to be there.

i am all alone in the world.

i am going to, like i did last year, wake up from my surgery completely alone and disoriented and i guess what i should be is glad to wake up.

but i want someone who is going to be there for me.

just do.

i want someone who will bring me soup when i have strep throat and who will rent movies with me and just lay there with me and who will be there with me during the next few weeks through this very challenging time.

i haven't don't well for myself. i haven't made wise choices.


my therapist used to have reproductive cancer

she has very similar treatments and very similar hormonal experiences.

it was no 'coincidence' that out of the eight names they gave me, i chose hers from the middle of the page.

you can't imagine what it's like to have someone who actually knows, 100%, physically mentally and emotionally, what i'm talking about when i talk about a reaction to a certain drug or a certaiin hormonal response or a panic-ish feeling.

she answers my emails in about half an hour.

she says 'when i was sick...'

i love her.

she also works for the FBI, which is awesome, since i love to talk about when i 'went to spy school.' lol.

she's also an m.d. and has decided to give me extra pain meds until my surgery b/c she wants me to be completely calm and i'm dealing with some other pretty heavy life shit (the mom, the guy, the job) and she said that my insurance is going to send her an instrusive form about where else i'm getting the pain medications and she's going to throw it out because what the fuck do they think i'm going to do with these pills when they are so willingly selling liquor and cigarettes!

i am really happy that i found her. otherwise, my life is pretty shitty right now. :(


there's this thread

my life is changing, pulling in, falling apart but at the same time, the gaps and seams are pulling together, if that makes any sense. all i know i that there's this thread.

a few times in the past few weeks i have been told by healers that i am going through what i am because i am going to be a healer, and i have to understand true suffering, true aloneness, to know how to handle it and relate to it with others.

last week, at the news stand, a man said to me, you're going through the chemo aren't you? my treatments aren't typical and people seldom recognize it so i was stunned but said yes and then listened to him tell me the story of his wife, the cancer survivor and then, the cancer victim. this strong, courageous, beautiful woman who never stopped being funny or strong. even dying she was funny and strong. and i stood on the street laughing and crying with this man, knowing what it was like for him to know that she wasn't really - that she was exhausted and that that hurt him to know, and that he needed someone else to know that and that he was so glad that he found me, so happy that he could shed his tears with me.
and i wondered if that was what being a healer was like.

tonight, i was standing on the bus and a man was standing to the side of me and he just kept staring. normally, i would be closed off to the world but i haven't been able to find my iPod so i've actually been having to participate and it's teaching me some things. anyway, i kept noticing him out of the corner of my eye just staring at me and finally i looked up and he had tears in his eyes and he said 'i'm not meaning to stare at you, you just have the most striking resemblance to someone who was very dear to me, it's shocking really, in profile. and in full face, really, except that you are thinner. but you are even making the same contemplative, pensive faces that she did at the....' 'well, i'm just shocked'

and i said ' no, it's okay, it happens in life' but then i felt that it wasn't enough. so i asked, was it your wife. ad he said 'yes' and so i asked how but before i even had the words out of my mouth i knew what the answer was going to be...i knew that cancer was going to be our thread. and so he told me the story of her diagnosis and her struggle and how beautiful she was, just like me, how the similarity was so much, and how they dreamed the cancer at the same time but neither realized the significance at the time, about how much of what we live we don't realize the importance of until it is too late because we're like the Christian warriors - it is only after too much war that we seek peace. and he spoke of religion and philosophy and seeking peace, he spoke of diet and health and love and how once your heart bursts open, it can be hurt again, but not like that so much because it's already burst.

and all that i kept saying is 'there's this thread'. and there is this thread...pushing and pulling my life together in all of these ways. something major is about to happen. all of these meetings and spiritual encounters they aren't accidents, none of this is coincidence.

my life is taking a new direction. my 30 - i'm open to it.


i am more alone than i have ever known

and this is for the best.

it is what i'm supposed to know.


i don't know how to live

yesterday, i had a manic episode. i didn't know what a manic episode was, personally, before yesterday. but now i do and for the people who live with it as a result of their own body/brain and not as a result of medicine, i am so sorry.

13 days ago, i met an older, famous woman whom i spoke to briefly. during our conversation, she told me that i was not at all what she expected and that she was kooky but that she thought that i was going through what i was because i was meant to be a healer and it was only through extreme suffering that i could understand and be sympathetic to the pain of others and that she had the name of someone that she wanted me to see.

last week, i saw an alternative healer/massage therapist to get a massage and some body work done/my chakras realigned to start the new year. at the end of the body work, she told me that the guide had told her that i was strong, that i literally could 'ride the beast', and that i was going to be a healer but that i had to know my bottom first in order to truly feel the pain of others.

this week, my surgeon told me that the damage to the nerves in my pelvic floor and that area has been so great that after my surgery and the removal of my cervix, i may not be able to have orgasms with intercourse any more. something kind of snapped in me. i've been freaking out. devolving.

and when they called to tell me that my additional chemo treatment that i have to take was going to be in today and that i have to pay $2300 when i get there, something fucking broke in me. literally. i felt something break.

my spirit snapped. like, what the fuck have i been fighting for? if i'm going to be 30 and broke and unable to enjoy sex and gray and sallow and just, exhausted and bitter. and i started crying. and i called this person. and i flipped out about something so retarded. and i couldn't breathe. and i couldn't stop crying.

and i said the most mean things that i have ever said. things that i haven't thought before. but my filter was gone. and it was like, i was so angry, and so hurt, and so confused about why my life keeps having these things thrown at it when i try so hard to be good to people, that i was lashing out - i was lashing out at someone who tries his best to be good to me. i was hurting. and so i was trying to inflict hurt? i've never been where i was. i know now that i was manic.

after five hours of crying, i called my insurance and got the names of some therapists. b/c i knew the exact location of the building, i called one, and i was rambling onto her machine and she picked up...it was late and i was lucky.

crazily enough, as i started telling her my story, she told me that she has been through this exact same disease and treatment. exact same. she talked to me for an hour on the phone and told me that where i was was not my fault. and she saw me at 8 this morning for two hours.

she says that i am in a major depressive place with major panic disorder due to 8 months of chemotherapeutic and other drugs and secondary to the fear of what losing my reproductive organs is going to do to my womanhood and my sexuality.

i am not in a good place. i've been slowly withdrawing from the world. i know that people think that i'm self absorbed and probably i am lost in the sea of me, but every day is such a fucking struggle and i think that if i had just gone home last night, i probably would have killed myself. i'm just tired. so tired.

but it's crazy, that out of all of the names on that list, i called the person who has been through exactly this, who actually 'knows' what i'm going through and can relate on a personal level. that's fate, maybe.

i'm just asking for your prayers - however you pray, whoever you pray to.

i'm getting my last treatment today and it's going to make me really sick b/c of all of the dental work and the toll that it has taken on me physically.

i'm beat up. and i'm struggling. and i cry and i'm breaking and i am alienating the people who actually have to watch me go through this. and i know that you have a choice to click and read, so if you did, please just take a moment and hold me up to the light.


i fucking hate me right now.

i can't stop crying. i've been crying for more than four hours.

i'm so scared. i'm scared about getting another treatment tomorrow on top of the daily suppression that i've been on, which is making me crazy. i'm scared about my surgery that is coming up so soon.

but, who knows if it would be making me this crazy if i could eat. not eating is making me crazy. and constant mouth pain is making me crazy. and the amount of narcotics and antibiotics that i'm taking is making me crazy.

i am unstable. i'm behaving unacceptably, but i can't stop. i just can't stop. i can't stop crying or being like this. i'm terrified and it just keeps piling on.

it's like, for a second i thought that i could breathe, i got good news and i thought that i could breathe.

but then my surgeon started calling me all of the time and my jaw got infected and i started having to have extra surgeries and yesterday i had to have another emergency surgery and now i'm $3600 past the initial $5400 that i paid for dental work and my doctor needs $2300 tomorrow to give me my treatment and i have to have my treatment which is going to make me sick.

and i'm so hungry and my body is geeking out. my everything hurts. my head and eyes and mouth and joints and back and neck and muscles. i can't sleep. my eyes are red rimmed and now i'm consumed with the knowledge that i may not, most likely will not, be able to have orgasms after my surgery and i'm starting to think...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO THIS FOR??????? oh my god why did i do this? why did i fight and struggle and do this?

i flipped out on my grandma today. i flipped out on my sister. i pay their bills and they each made some comment and i just flipped out. i have a great job and work extra freelance work and as of now, i am officially struggling due to this medical shit. i cannot believe where i am. i look around at the terrain at this place that is the landscape of my life and i am so confused.

i am so confused. and angry. and i'm freaking out and lashing out. and today i did things that are atypical of the me that i've been for a long time. i said mean, hurtful, spiteful things. i hate that. i hate that me.

i love the people that i said those things to. i'm such a bitch. i've let this disease and these medicines win. i might as well have just gone to bed. the strength to get up and put on clothes and go sit at a desk is nothing if i'm acting like a jerk.

i feel horribly.


someone that i used to date

had a baby today. well, the person that he's dating now had a baby today. his baby. he's excited. that is so nice, to see a life enter the world that the parents are excited about.

it is nice to see him happy.

i'm sure she's beautiful. :)