i don't know how to live

yesterday, i had a manic episode. i didn't know what a manic episode was, personally, before yesterday. but now i do and for the people who live with it as a result of their own body/brain and not as a result of medicine, i am so sorry.

13 days ago, i met an older, famous woman whom i spoke to briefly. during our conversation, she told me that i was not at all what she expected and that she was kooky but that she thought that i was going through what i was because i was meant to be a healer and it was only through extreme suffering that i could understand and be sympathetic to the pain of others and that she had the name of someone that she wanted me to see.

last week, i saw an alternative healer/massage therapist to get a massage and some body work done/my chakras realigned to start the new year. at the end of the body work, she told me that the guide had told her that i was strong, that i literally could 'ride the beast', and that i was going to be a healer but that i had to know my bottom first in order to truly feel the pain of others.

this week, my surgeon told me that the damage to the nerves in my pelvic floor and that area has been so great that after my surgery and the removal of my cervix, i may not be able to have orgasms with intercourse any more. something kind of snapped in me. i've been freaking out. devolving.

and when they called to tell me that my additional chemo treatment that i have to take was going to be in today and that i have to pay $2300 when i get there, something fucking broke in me. literally. i felt something break.

my spirit snapped. like, what the fuck have i been fighting for? if i'm going to be 30 and broke and unable to enjoy sex and gray and sallow and just, exhausted and bitter. and i started crying. and i called this person. and i flipped out about something so retarded. and i couldn't breathe. and i couldn't stop crying.

and i said the most mean things that i have ever said. things that i haven't thought before. but my filter was gone. and it was like, i was so angry, and so hurt, and so confused about why my life keeps having these things thrown at it when i try so hard to be good to people, that i was lashing out - i was lashing out at someone who tries his best to be good to me. i was hurting. and so i was trying to inflict hurt? i've never been where i was. i know now that i was manic.

after five hours of crying, i called my insurance and got the names of some therapists. b/c i knew the exact location of the building, i called one, and i was rambling onto her machine and she picked up...it was late and i was lucky.

crazily enough, as i started telling her my story, she told me that she has been through this exact same disease and treatment. exact same. she talked to me for an hour on the phone and told me that where i was was not my fault. and she saw me at 8 this morning for two hours.

she says that i am in a major depressive place with major panic disorder due to 8 months of chemotherapeutic and other drugs and secondary to the fear of what losing my reproductive organs is going to do to my womanhood and my sexuality.

i am not in a good place. i've been slowly withdrawing from the world. i know that people think that i'm self absorbed and probably i am lost in the sea of me, but every day is such a fucking struggle and i think that if i had just gone home last night, i probably would have killed myself. i'm just tired. so tired.

but it's crazy, that out of all of the names on that list, i called the person who has been through exactly this, who actually 'knows' what i'm going through and can relate on a personal level. that's fate, maybe.

i'm just asking for your prayers - however you pray, whoever you pray to.

i'm getting my last treatment today and it's going to make me really sick b/c of all of the dental work and the toll that it has taken on me physically.

i'm beat up. and i'm struggling. and i cry and i'm breaking and i am alienating the people who actually have to watch me go through this. and i know that you have a choice to click and read, so if you did, please just take a moment and hold me up to the light.