so because my bosses sometimes love me, and they are of the affluent beverly hills country club cancer survivor variety, my team of medical professionals are of the best that money can buy. so when i woke up today at 1.50 (this is very late for me) feeling again like i couldn't turn my head and couldn't swallow and couldn't move, i called my doctor in tears and told him how i felt. he told me that he would open his office to see me and to meet me there. i got there and he got there and he prepared a room as the cleaning people had not been there (he worked an 18 hour shift in the emergency room last night and looked exhausted).
so, he cleaned the room and put all of the tools that he would need out, without complaining, simply telling me how exhausted i looked and how much he worried for me and how much i needed to take a break from my job. so he laid me down and did a full exam and bam, i have strep throat and my mono is reactive. he had called the lab tech in to rush the rest of the blook work back so there's more stuff to wait for but those two on top of everything else that has been going on is just 'fucking bleach'.
so fucking annoying. i'm so tired of being sick. i'm so tired of my body being run down my these chemo treatments and not being able to handle the regular contact with the outside world.
i have 20 bottles in my prescription medicine area, where i have to set up my medicine conainer for the day. i spend over 500 dollars a week on doctor's appointment copays and medicine copays. i'm tired of being broke and having to validate buying the tennis shoes that i want when they're on sale because i have bills due with my surgeon and my neurologist and my pain speciialist and my pain management therapist and my urologist and my gynocologist and my pharmacy solutions who dispenses my chemo and my internist and my psychiatrist and i have hundreds of thousands of dollars of in outstanding medical bills.
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. AND I WANT SOME OLD SCHOOL CONVERSE!!!
my life has been altered so much. which is fine, for the most part, on a daily level, i can deal with it.
but sometimes, sometimes i get so tired.
sometimes i need some attention.
sometimes i want to be held and stroked and told that everything is gonin to be okay like when i was little and i would fall and my grandma would scoop me ino her lap and rock me and tell me over and over that everything was going to be okay, that no matter what she was there.
i don't have that person now. i don't have anyone who, no matter what, is going to be there.
i am all alone in the world.
i am going to, like i did last year, wake up from my surgery completely alone and disoriented and i guess what i should be is glad to wake up.
but i want someone who is going to be there for me.
just do.
i want someone who will bring me soup when i have strep throat and who will rent movies with me and just lay there with me and who will be there with me during the next few weeks through this very challenging time.
i haven't don't well for myself. i haven't made wise choices.
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