it doesn't take forever for someone to decide that you're worthy of affection. or some of their special time. or energy. or money. or whatever it is that they deem as what they give to someone special in their life. or what you're looking for from someone that makes you feel special. or what you need when you're down. or troubled. or hurting.
i've been troubled. and down. and hurting. and needing true affection. gentleness. softness. hugs and tenderness and something that represents physically an acknowledgement of my pain and a feeling of 'i know that i can't carry this for you, and that i can't carry you through it, but i can hold you here right now'.
i've been needing that. and if that makes me needy, well then, after nine months of chemotherapeutic treatments and hormone suppression and chemically induced menopause and anti-seizure medication that affects cerebral function when i don't have seizures and androgen suppressant and anti-anxiety and anti this and that and all of the rest - i will be needy if that is what wanting some physical attention in the weeks before the removal of my reproductive organs makes me.
so, for a while there i still cared about labels. i cared that certain people knew that i am drawn to women as well. there are certain people that i didn't want to know still. now, this day, i do not give a fuck. i met this girl - this woman. we have been emailing and talking on the phone. and because it is necessary when bringing anyone into my life right now, she knows my story, the full thing. and so she comes over last night and while we are talking...she is asking me questions because she wants to know, she's curious about me and cares about the answers, something that hasn't happened in my dating in months, and while we are talking she tells me that since she has heard the biggest part of my story she has just wanted to give me a hug and asks me if she can give me a hug.
instantaneously, she tapped in to what it is that i need and want right now. the touch. the compassion. she told me how amazing i am, and how inspiring. after a while, she said that i have been sick for a while and asked me if my body ached. she cared if my body ached!!!??!!!! i said that i have reached the place of always pain. and she offered to give me a full body massage!!!!!
touch. soft gentle touch all over my entire body?? do you know how long i have craved this, wanted this, begged for this??? softness and gentleness and touch all over my body. and so i showered and laid naked in my bed and she crawled up on me and proceeded to give me a full body massage. and as she did, as she lotioned and touched me, she told me such nice/awesome things about the parts of my body that she was touching...she told me how much she liked my thighs and ass, how much she liked my shape, how much she liked that my waist came in like that...she played with my nipple rings and rubbed my hands. she extra rubbed my shoulders and my back.
and then...oh my god there's an and then...and then, she laid beside me and held me and stroked me and kissed my forehead and my nose and just kept telling me how pretty and inspiring and strong and all of these tings that i am, and then she put her head between my legs and brought me to this place where my teeth were chattering. i mean,, oral has happened to me once or twice in the past year and a half. i've been dreaming about it. and she just did it. with no expectation of reciprocation. she just wanted to make me feel good. but she was sincere. she really thinks taht i'm beauiful. and that i deserved her time and affection and attention. and it was awesome.
wow.
and then i have a date with P on sunday. he's a black guy from London whose best friend had hysterectomy last year around the holdiays and who understands what am going through and thinks that i just need to get out and be me distraccted and not me sitting in the house thinking about the surgery. he thinks that i am hot - lol, he used those words 'you are absolutely hot', which shocked e b/c i have never been referred to as that!! but he is attractive and well educated and nice to me, very complimentatryl we'll see.
heartburn from saffron rice?
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