2.27.2007

these are my confessions...|can you read my mind?


~i'm 30, unemployed, six days post-hysterectomy, in menopause, barely without cancer and terrified.

~i really, really like him. he's amazing and i wish that i wasn't struggling with this menopause/hormone patch/hormone replacement therapy. it's hard for me to even try to maintain, and i feel bad when i snap at people but especially him. i wish that i had even a little bit of normalcy.

~i hate bedrest and am really scared that i'm going to gain a lot of weight, which is the most weird thing for me to worry about.

~i went through a really internal and self-focused phase before my surgery - i was sick and sick of being sick and scared and i was selfish. some people are selfish for forever, and i'm a good person, so i think that it's okay that i went through this phase b/c it was part of dealing.
but - i accidentally pissed someone off on here. that was one of my favorite people. my head was just in a different space. i called to apologize and got treated like it was unthinkable that i be forgiven for angering her. so i gave it some time and space. recently, i sent her an inbox telling her that i miss her, and that i'm sorry that my selfish phase crossed her during that interaction and that i hope that she can forgive me. she didn't even acknowledge this inbox, which has made me more sad today then i'm sure i know how to process. i feel like i should at least be acknowledged, even if it's fuck you i'm not forgiving you.

so - i confess that i went through a selfish phase when i was exhausted and terrified. and so i beg forgiveness to everyone that my inability to handle adequately what was happening affected, and i hope that anyone i upset in any way, or do upset as i adjust to my permanent menopause and hormone replacement, will forgive me.

~i ordered a cheeseburger.

something is the matta' with me. well, lots of things, i guess. but one that's perplexing me. i keep getting my feelings hurt by this one person, who never treated me with fragility even though i told him i was fragile, who was never tender even though i told him that his roughness was breaking me. and i tried to leave it, to just walk away because i couldn't take it. and he wanted to still be friends and i told him what it would take to be my friend. but he just kept being what hurt me.

so i quit it. and so i keep being surprised every time he does something that totally matches all of the other things he did...that negates me and my feelings. that shows that he little to nothing of me. and it's so fucking frustrating and annoying, to be such a nice person to the people in your life that you care about and get that in return. and i'm tired of being hurt and angered by it.

i wish that i could not be bothered, that i could learn to just accept it when it happens, shelve it and walk away. why does it hurt when someone will tell you that they love you and then treat you like shit? why can't it just be - oh, okay. meh.

anyway, i'm not sure about this dose of hormone replacement. i'm really short and spazzy today. and i was short with my dude, even though i didn't want to be. it just comes out, but it's worse now than it was...my brain is still freaking out about my body's lack of sex organs.

i just want to be held. i'm like Brit Brit, what that guy said about her. if i'm in his arms, then i'm ok right then. i feel like my body and brain can relax and things will be ok. like i'm not going to not be able to get up and go to the bathroom, or like the pain isn't this nagging thing that is dragging me down. but i don't want to be needy so i hold myself back and don't just say, 'will you please just be here and hold me?'

nothing is ever easy all of the time, but i wish that i could have some ease. just a little bit of ease. some occasional ease.
i'm tired of the struggle and the pain. i'm ready for the life i've always wanted.

i hope i didn't hurt it. now i'm crying. i got prollems.

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