my heart is hurting

my heart is hurting and it matches my physical self. now everything is hurting.

i spent, before 7.40 pm tonight, approximately 18 hours in bed due to one of the worst migraines in the history of my hormonal migraines. so miserable. vomiting. sleeping. crying. crying. vomiting.

my immune system, my poor immune system. i feel that i have reached the crescendo of the test. ever since the last, unplanned, treatment, i've been continually hurting/aching/sick. it takes five to seven days for the full shit storm to begin. so, my treatment was fifteen days ago. in the last ten days, i have had the flu, three migraines, strep, mono, and my liver levels have gone through the roof. in ten days.

my joints ache. every part of my body hurts. seriously. i wake up and cry because i have to get up and start my day. i cry myself to sleep because i only want someone to hold me and hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, because i am scared. i have never been exactly here before and i am so scared.

in less than 3 weeks, i am going to have a hysterectomy. i get to stop chemo. i'm going to go to sleep and while i'm sleeping, my #1 ranked surgeon in the country is going to, with the help of robots, perform a radical hysterectomy and abdominal reconstruction.

then i'm going to wake up and every thing that has been a fact but something that could be rectified by medical science is going to be set in stone - i will never be able to have a baby. i will be in menopause for the rest of my life. i wil be on hormone replacemet therapy...wearing an estrogen patch. At 30. The most important risks are a great risk for cervical and colon cancer, so i must be checked for those every 3 months, as I can never stop wearing the patch. hahahahahahaha. How ludicrous it all sounds.

Then - the best part - this is the best of the options, this is the life saving measure. This is what will improve my quality of life and turn it around. This is my happy choice.

so, the closer it gets, the more i get scared. i know that i shouldn't becaise i'm grown. but i am afraid.