better living through chemistry.

so, i spent five hours at the hospital yesterday doing all of my pre-op stuff.
the man i'm dating offered to take a long lunch and come from the valley and take me there, but i couldn't let him do that since i made him late for work, so i walked it mostly.

anyway, i was there a long time. and i had to pay one thousand dollars for my surgery, which put me over broke. and they kept doing all of these invasive things.

and he kept checking in on me. and we had plans to have date night tonight. since we started hanging out, we haven't really gotten to have an official 'date'. we've gone and done lots of things, but we've done them with other friends b/c i've had so much going on to get ready for my surgery.

anyway, i found out that i don't get to leave my house after five until my surgery tomorrow. so i regretfully let him know, as i was upset and he was checking in on me, that i couldn't have our date night tonight. and his immediate answer? 'okay, so are you available tonight? i just want to take you out and have a good time with you.'

and so...i was just getting out of the shower and getting dressed when he got here, so he chatted with my roommate (who likes him, just like all my friends who have met him - people out of state ask after him!)...anyway, i came out of my room in my short pleated skirt and my cashmere tank top with my wrap on, and looked up - and he was dressed up. slacks, buttondown tucked in, blazer, nice shoes. and when i said, 'oh my god, you look so nice, you look so good!!', he said, 'i don't look half as good as you, that skirt and those legs are going to make it hard for me to be the gentleman i am, but of course i dressed up, i have a date with you.'

he had a handkerchief in his pocket for me. he took my hand when we got in the car and looked at me and said, 'i know that you've had a stressful day and that you're scared of your surgery and you're stressed out, and i want you to have a good time and be okay, but i also want you to know that if you're not okay, that's okay too. be what you are and i'm going to be here for you.'

and it was so nice. he dressed up for me! and complimented me all night - my outfit, my legs, how smart i am and how fun it is to date a girl that he doesn't have to dumb down for, how beautiful i am, how soft my skin is...he's just so complimentary and amazing and exactly what i need right now.

and then, during that silly movie *Ghost Rider*, he pulled me into his space and said into my ear, 'you are the sexiest woman that i have ever known, and i am lucky that you find me attractive and let me into your space.'

and i melted. because he's everything that i have asked the universe for, and he spends his time telling me how amazing i am. he and i have exactly the same temperment when it comes to relationships - we just want to hang out and be nice to each other and enjoy each other. we have the same sex drive (and he loves eating me out!!!! he tells me how wonderful i taste and smell, and sends me text messages telling me that he can still smell me on his lips!). we read the same books. we both do accounting. he's incredibly over-protective of me, which i enjoy no matter how independant i have been.

i enjoy being taken care of...i have needed and wanted so badly a space to be vulnerable and he allows me that without making me feel guilty about it, because he doesn't make me ask. he looks at me and my situation and thinks about how he would want someone to treat his sisters or his mother, whom he has taken care of when his father died, and he treats me that way.

he treats me respectfully and affectionately and attentively and with love. and when i snap, he teases me about my moodiness and tells me how sorry he is that my body has had to endure this, and then he pulls me into his lap and kiss me and strokes me and plays in my hair until i cry it out and let it go and then we are good again.

he tells me how he has been reading the chronicle of my life/disease that i have posted for a long time now and how he has wanted to meet me so badly...how he has admired my humor and my strength and my courage and my candor and how he has admired me so much.

and it is amazing...to have this in my life. i know thati am typing on and on about it, but i am falling for him. i am really falling for him. and this morning he said to me - i'm going to take a long lunch and come see you during the day, because i know that you're going to have a rough day with tomorrow being what it is and i want to be here for you. and i said, i can't ask you to do that. and his response?? - 'first, you didn't ask me. and secondly, baby yes you can ask me. we've only known each other for a short amount of time but i feel so intensely for you and i'm your man and you can ask things of me. that's what i'm here for. i'm your man.'

i am lucky, that at this point in my life i would have all of the things that have come to me and i feel so blessed.

i am scared about my surgery tomorrow but i know that i'm going to wake up and i'm going to live to see where my life takes me. i'm not looking forward to the weeks of soreness, but all will be well eventually.