No More "I Love You's"

the language is leaving me.

i used to write - short stories, essays, novels, poetry. i used to be moved by emotion to pen love poems. when those stopped i thought for sure that they would be back one day.

as the conversations slowed, i thought that my written word would progress, my thoughts have somewhere to channel. it wasn't the case. all of my, it seemed, was receeding. pulling in closer to the center. i still said "i love you" sometimes. only sometimes. the situation had to be right. the mood altered on the receiving end. it had to seem offhand, no pressure, no desire.

by the time it was safe to say "i love you" again, i was suffering a drought at my fingertips. i type and type but i don't say much at all. i certainly don't have the gift of the prolific that i used to, my arial ten point doesn't bring the sighs and "where is the book" that it used to. but, not even noticing it, there's a difference to how your fingers dance when your lips are free to utter "i love you's".

today, as the puppy rolled over and i breathed "i love you", it wasn't until i questioned the source of the tears stinging at my eyes that i realized...no more "i love you's". the language is leaving me.

i am a woman who says "i love you" in ways unspoken. growing up in a home where love was rarely vocalized, rarely given physical gesture, i have strived in my grown life to show love to those who win it from me. if you are someone to whom my heart responds, chances are you listen with more than your ears. if i know you on a physical plane, i tell you with my eyes...my lips...my tongue...my nipples...my skin...my thighs...my pussy...my toes. i can tell you that i love you with eggs, herbs, lasagna, biscuits. i communicate love through service...you won't get your own water, turn on your own television, fluff your own pillow. my friends who are loved know that they'll be over-made-to-feel-at-home when in my presence...i'm always asking about their thirst, their hunger, if they're hot/cold/comfortable, if i can get them juice, a snack.

when i love someone enough to want them, i stay wanting them. i crave them, and when in their presence my reaching out for them is only my body's desire to show them my affection. it isn't a concious action. i don't think about reaching out to stroke an arm, to graze a leg, just like i don't think about washing my hands before cooking or how to ride a bike. i don't decide to deeply inhale when someone that i'm attracted to enters my space, i don't decide that i sleep better with someone with whom i feel safe is sleeping beside me. these are things that fondness, affection and love dictate to me.

today, as i rubbed the tummy of the dog who gives me unconditional love and shed surprising tears, i considered my life as is. i am currently without love. not solely in a relationship sense. but, i'm in a place of foundational uprooting. i have begun completely over in almost every sense of the words. everything in my life seemed to be red hot...burning up, but upon closer inspection, it was only smoke and ashes. and in those smoke and ashes were the ruins of my 'friendships' and most of my relationships. in some places, i was leaning too heavily on places where the foundation wasn't solidly built. in some places stood a mirage. in some places, the fault was my own - i had created something out of necessity that wasn't at all what i wanted it to be. in some situations, i pushed becaused i feared what i saw as an inevitable pulling away on their part.

the reasons, i guess, don't matter in the end. now as they say, it is what it is. and i feel more alone than i have ever been. i know that i have typed that before. probably i have typed that on these very pages before. but now i feel it more truly than ever. there are no more i love you's in my life right now. i don't say it. i don't have someone eager to be in my space, in my smell, in my arms. i don't know with certainty that if i can't sleep (like tonight), that if i get sick after eating (like now, again), that if i feel ill at ease (again), that if it would be so much easier with someone who makes me more at ease beside me, that that someone will come. i know that being in poor health doesn't mean that i deserve it more. i know that just because my body is suffering what it is doesn't mean that people should be more gentle, more tolerant, with me. but sometimes i feel like it isn't fair.

i know that life isn't fair, that i don't deserve fairness or ease or any other thing...i don't deserve anything. but i wish that it could be easier. i wish that my health could catch a break, that my body could catch a break. i wish that there could be a constant for me...that there was someone here to say i love you to, to cook for when i'm stressed, to feel safe to reach out and touch when i'm hurting and in that place of needing to not think about it. i just wish that i could have some ease for a minute.

my body feels stiff now...as if it is forgetting the language which it used to speak with such ease.


i know despair.

i used to think that i was prepared to live in this world, with it's harsh need to change me.
that i was prepared to live day by day with the consequence of love and the bitter, unwanted passion of my sure defeat.

it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods. i only want to know if i belong or feel abandoned. if i know despair and can see it in others.

i am falling into the center of my longing.

i don't want to drown anymore.

i want to live. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to be all of the things that i dream about, to do all of the things that i dream about.

every day it seems that the healing is the fiercest part, the healing is what is going to kill me. and it seems that my intuitions are correct.

why can't i find my balance? why can't i get better? why can't i find contentment, well being? i'm trying everything.

she said that she watched me sleep and that i tossed and turned, restless and she thought to herself...isn't this girl ever comfortable?

if i am, i don't know where it is.

this is the day when i realize how easily the thread is broken between this life and the next. this is where i ask my friends to come. this the house of my adult aloneness.

it has taken me my entire life to learn how to love.

sometimes it takes darkness, and the sweet confinement of your aloneness, to learn that anything and anyone who does not bring you alive is too small for you. how do i grant life to my life?


the dark will be my womb tonight.



i have managed to create a place of complete isolation. i don't remember that being my goal, or intention.

i only remember getting too tired to deal with certain things, certain conversations, certain shit any longer...and so pulling into myself more and more.

i remember reaching out, and thinking that there were a few people who were different and who, even though i'm difficult to know and insanely difficult to love, that they would always be my people.

and then certain things happened with them...these moments where i thought that i was breaking and i realized that none of it was going to save me. and i felt this despair. and i remember times when people wanted something from me that i didn't have to give, and so i pulled further into the cave inside of me that my anger and pain and frustration and sadness and pain and pain and pain and pain have been creating. i remember that people pushed and maybe it was for my own good, but at the moment when it happened, i was like a wild animal backed into a corner, and i either slithered away or threw punches in response.

now, i have created a place of total isolation, where there is no one who will push me into a corner because there is no one. i have created total isolation for myself. i don't know if it was intentional. i honestly don't feel like it was. i just feel like i didn't have the strength to try any more, or be told how disappointing i was any more, or whatever it was that i was failing at in my relationships or friendships, however i was annoying or demanding or hormonal or crazy or three much...

maybe it's just easier for me to not have to worry about disappointing anyone. maybe it doesn't matter. but i have created a place of total aloneness, where there is no one left who knows how i was before i was this mess. however it happened, this is where i am.


i never was very good at chess...

lately, life seems to be a pretty intense game of chess. the problem is that i never was very good at chess. i don't know why, and everyone always assumed that i should/would be, because it's a 'smart person game'. and i was deemed a 'smart person'.

i have friends who think that i'm a know it all. i have one friend who says to me...'you know everything' when i imply that i know more than i'm being told.

my response, my statement to the world is - I don't know anything. I'm fucking clueless. I have no idea how to do anything in my life that I'm supposed to be doing right now, no idea how to figure it out. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. And I admit that it's probably for the best, because everything that I do know, that I've come to believe, has been wrong so far. I'm so tired...of trying to convince people that I really don't know. That under all of this tightly wound and intensely hard to please exterior is someone who is just looking for something real enough for me to hold onto for a while. There has never, ever been a safe place for me to be vulnerable or sick or broken and know that someone else was going to take care of things, or pick up the pieces. For my entire life, I have had to be okay, no matter how not okay I am. This month was the 21st anniversary of my dad's death. I don't know how not okay I'm allowed to be about that, but I've been pretty fucked up inside about it but haven't spoken it aloud to anyone. This month, my son who lives thousands of miles away packed up and left for his very first summer camp and he was so excited and desperate for me to know about it and all that I could think about was how much it hurts to always ache for him no matter how much I get to be an acitvely involved birth mother.

I don't speak aloud how much it hurts, not only to see pregnant women and babies and toddlers but also 8 year old boys who are similar to him and know that no matter what or who I find in this life, I'll never have that option again. I don't choke people who say, 'well, at least you know how rewarding adoption can be.' and I don't break nearly as often as I'm breaking inside, even though the people who know when I am breaking would be sad to hear that.

I don't speak aloud how tired you get, how literally bottomlessly wiped out you feel, when you constantly have to think about your pain and your health and your insurance and your lab work and your iron and vitamins and calcium and cancer and oxygen and fucking always be hurting and thinking about your body. I am so fucking tired. I am so fucking tired of being in pain. Of being tired. Of dealing with doctors and medical procedures far more frequently than I do any other thing. I am tired of taking pills to make me feel better.

the thing about chess and all of this other stuff is that, on top of life shit, there's People In Your Life shit. and it's so much worse most of the time. to me, relationships are proving to be more and more like chess with each passing month. and honestly, I don't have the wherewithall or inclination to strategize my interactions with my 'friends' out. i want people with whom i can be honest, vulnerable, me...just fucking me. i don't want to have to think three conversations ahead, stay on top of the back and forth of balancing someone who knows your weaknesses with your own neediness. i don't want to deal with people who would take me any way that they could have me, or who need me to fill a role for them, or who see friendship as a synonym for 'endless niceness.'

i'm tired of people who mistake my kindness for weakness. who act as if my sincere love for them makes me worthy of suspicion. i'm just so tired. so very, very tired. and i just want to go out and do the things that a normal girl my age would be doing...but then that takes days to recover from. :( i'm so tired.


everyone knows that i'm in over my head...

even though i didn't know that everything was falling through,
everyone i knew was waiting on cue
to turn and run when what i needed
was the truth. that's how it's gotta be?

it's coming down to nothing more than apathy.
i'd rather run the other way than stay and see
the smoke and who is still
standing when it clears

everyone knows that i'm in over my head.
there's 8 seconds left in overtime and you're on my mind.

that i should rearrange.
i wish they were a stranger, i could disengage
just say that we agree and we'll never change
and we just get along...

disregard. find another friend. discard.
as we lose the arguments and a canyon comes between.

everyone knows that i'm in over my head...

suddenly, i become part of the past.

i'm losing them and it's effortless.

8 seconds left in overtime...and everyone knows what's on my mind...everyone knows i'm in over my head...

••it's coming down to nothing more than apathy••


The Little Nothing By My Friend Adam

New story on 365tomorrows by submission on August 12th, 2007, Titled The Little Nothing

read more | digg story


lying | omission | misconstruing | context

i am so exhausted by my words being taken out of context, intentionally misconstrued, lied on...and all of this based on me being lied to in the first place.

i am worn out by those who only want me any way that they can have me.

tired of being lied to. of having important parts omitted. of what is told to me, represented to me, and what is represented to the world being so completely different.

i don't want to be a part of it any more.

who are these people? who am i?

i just want to be left alone now.

earthquakes still make me nervous...

the earthquake this morning (early, early a.m.) was 'only' about a 4.5 - but, it was in chatsworth. since i live in the valley now, that means that i'm much closer to the center of where they happen now.

it was intense for me. they used to wake me from a dead sleep in the hollywood hills...here, the jolt sent me standing up and walking in circles.

i knew what it was as it happened, but it was loud, shakey and scared me. my plants rattled, books came off of he shelf, and my water glass fell off of my night table. :(

i don't want to be here for the Big One...or even the Little Big One.

i thought that i had gotten used to them, but this one made me so ich in the stomach that i think that i may be wrong.

some people are saying they felt it in santa monica. eep. i don't like the earfquakes...


50 Years From Now - Our Shared Future

...and they say that there's no talent left among us, the youth of Amoreikkka?...






Wall Street Journal?!?!

somehow, On July 30th, this blog was on the Editor's Picks for the Wall Stree Journal website.

this is both fascinating and perplexing. how did this happen? i'm so confused!

anyway, i have blood transfusion tomorrow, and iron infusion. i slept until 6.30 tonight and i still feel so tired. i'm just so tired.

life with a body that has had the trauma that mine has is very exhausting.

my appendix burst and healed itself. but leaked toxins into my system for a very long time. how odd. how very odd.