8.20.2007

isolation.

i have managed to create a place of complete isolation. i don't remember that being my goal, or intention.

i only remember getting too tired to deal with certain things, certain conversations, certain shit any longer...and so pulling into myself more and more.

i remember reaching out, and thinking that there were a few people who were different and who, even though i'm difficult to know and insanely difficult to love, that they would always be my people.

and then certain things happened with them...these moments where i thought that i was breaking and i realized that none of it was going to save me. and i felt this despair. and i remember times when people wanted something from me that i didn't have to give, and so i pulled further into the cave inside of me that my anger and pain and frustration and sadness and pain and pain and pain and pain have been creating. i remember that people pushed and maybe it was for my own good, but at the moment when it happened, i was like a wild animal backed into a corner, and i either slithered away or threw punches in response.

now, i have created a place of total isolation, where there is no one who will push me into a corner because there is no one. i have created total isolation for myself. i don't know if it was intentional. i honestly don't feel like it was. i just feel like i didn't have the strength to try any more, or be told how disappointing i was any more, or whatever it was that i was failing at in my relationships or friendships, however i was annoying or demanding or hormonal or crazy or three much...

maybe it's just easier for me to not have to worry about disappointing anyone. maybe it doesn't matter. but i have created a place of total aloneness, where there is no one left who knows how i was before i was this mess. however it happened, this is where i am.

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