i know despair.

i used to think that i was prepared to live in this world, with it's harsh need to change me.
that i was prepared to live day by day with the consequence of love and the bitter, unwanted passion of my sure defeat.

it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods. i only want to know if i belong or feel abandoned. if i know despair and can see it in others.

i am falling into the center of my longing.

i don't want to drown anymore.

i want to live. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to be all of the things that i dream about, to do all of the things that i dream about.

every day it seems that the healing is the fiercest part, the healing is what is going to kill me. and it seems that my intuitions are correct.

why can't i find my balance? why can't i get better? why can't i find contentment, well being? i'm trying everything.

she said that she watched me sleep and that i tossed and turned, restless and she thought to herself...isn't this girl ever comfortable?

if i am, i don't know where it is.

this is the day when i realize how easily the thread is broken between this life and the next. this is where i ask my friends to come. this the house of my adult aloneness.

it has taken me my entire life to learn how to love.

sometimes it takes darkness, and the sweet confinement of your aloneness, to learn that anything and anyone who does not bring you alive is too small for you. how do i grant life to my life?

...

the dark will be my womb tonight.