3.04.2007

my thoughts are so loud that i can't hear my mouth.


*falls apart*

edit: i do not know what i did to the gods, to someone, to whatever - in a previous life or lives.

i can't escape that this one, this life, is retribution.

i keep hurting - everytime that i leave this bed, or allow someone in, or accept someone's kindness, it ends up hurting me so much.

and i'm not bouncing back anymore, i'm not recovering. the snap back is gone from the rubberband of me - i'm all stretched out.

once you start crying when you're battling hormone replacement therapy and new menopause, then you don't really stop - that's what i've thought this whole time. i've tried to distract myself from the tears even when they were just random moments of ich - because i've had this thought in my head that if i start, right now, then i might not stop. so just focus on the good - and there's been a lot of good to distract me.

but i started now. and this searing pain - they just keep coming one on top of the other and i'm barely able to catch my breath to deal with the next one. and maybe i don't deserve what i think that i deserve. maybe i deserve this. maybe i am wrong, i have been so wrong, and this struggle and this pain are mine.

this searing pain. fuck.

and everything was wonderful for a minute and i thought that that was what i deserved. i thougt that it was real and that it was finally the reality that i deserved. i started letting myself think that it was ok to be vulnerable and to relax.

i trusted my instinct and my honesty and my frailty and i put my guard down and i started to relax in that comfort and i can't breathe now.

i can't breathe now. there was this orgasm that caused me to sob, to open up and let go of the fear and just feel that moment where you don't have to be responsible for you - where you're just riding the wave of someone else and they are holding you there and so you can let go and still be moored. and not know that i could feel that again and not think that i could have hoped for that, only hours ago, and now i can't breathe.

i can't hurt like this right now. i can't think about this. i can't have this as my reality. i don't understand. i am hurting so much that if i could walk, i would be walking around aimlessly and so quickly trying to escape it.

my therapist left for pakistan this morning. my roommate has someone here from out of town. i don't know where to turn.

this is me breaking.

this is me breaking. i've got nothing left to deal with this. not a thing in the reserve tank. i'm out of my head here.



i do not understand what is happening. or why.

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