post secret

i finally finished my secret, the real one, to Post Secret. yay!!

tonight we saw The Namesake, and then the Q&A with Kal Penn afterwards. it was good and i'm glad that we went. we got tix for the symphony!!!! It's Star Wars Dark Nights, Yosemites Bright Lights @ the Wadsworth Theater. I'm really excited about it!!

i'm going to type out something that makes me embarassed even to think...hahaha. but, it's been weird to be away from OKP. it was such a huge part of my life for so long, the decision to step away has been weird. sometimes, i almost type it in and then remember that my login doesn't exist anymore.

i got im'd a link and clicked it b/c it was about me and when i was reading it and getting pulled into the drama, realized that that is why i left in the first place - the fact that i was getting emotionally wrapped up in what people who had never even met me said about me. and that it was silly. and pointless after all these years.

and i have such real shit going on. like i'm probably going to have to file bankruptcy due to my years of serious health crisis and my very expensive surgery. i am responsible for 30% of the cost of my surgery and my first two bills total over 160k. so yeah, that's serious. and i'm handling hearings for disability, and adjusting to hormone replacement therapy, and battling major depression.

so, i don't need unnecessary extra stuff. that is all. i just have to guard who and what i let near me during this time.

i am lucky to have a pretty fantastic support system. i am also lucky to have a man in my life who is understanding of things even when i probably wouldn't be when in his position, honestly. these hormones...ugh. i just had a rough day today. the depression/anxiety part of it was bad today. and i had a freak out in the store, and started wyling, and crying. and he handled it like a pro, like he was designed to take care of me in that situation. and he's just generally a good dude. and he oh so cutely pulls me closer even in his sleep...he's so amazingly fascinated with my body. he loves my shape, my legs. he tells me that i am beautiful, that he loves how my waist blooms into my hips.

he makes me feel pretty and sexy and just good. and he spoils me. even when i'm hormonal and up and down and kind of not really the best of me, he sees the best in me. and he comes over and gives me foot rubs and back rubs and shoulder rubs and leg rubs, b/c he knows that the hormones are causing me to cramp up and also because he likes to touch me! i really enjoy his touch, i really enjoy being touched. i wanted for so long to be touched, to be treated with affection and love and genuineness.

i always thought that if i ever got it, i would probably have to sacrifice something. that if i got the brains, the conversation, the affection and attention, i wouldn't get the physical attraction or the forearms. i thought i would probably have to compromise some desires in order to live others. and so i started deciding which things were the ones that i could live without, and which were the ones i had to have. and i knew that the sexual attraction, the chemistry, the being touched and being wanted, was a necessity after living without it.
but i also wanted conversation. and movies. and someone who read books. lol.

and now...now, i have a man who works out on the regular, lifts weights, runs, has great forearms, can lift me up and carry me to the shower or the pool, who reads the books that i read, who likes the movies that i like, who shares the same political viewpoints as i do, who engages me in discourse on current events. i have a smart, attractive man who works in finance and loves Discover magazine who begs me to rub me, who comforts me, who licks me until i am sleepy, who licks me awake, who touches me in a way that makes me know that i am special to him.

i am lucky. lucky lucky lucky. even when things are bad, and i am sad, i know that i am lucky. even when i can't sleep, like now, and i can't hear anything except my fingers on the keys as i type and his breath and the fan fighting away my hot flashes, i know that i am lucky.
i am here. i am closer to me every day. i am planning my future with the people that i love and who love me.

i am lucky. *rinse and repeat*

a- out.