all that any of this is is a successive series of acts of faith (thx Adam)

this life, our interactions with people, knowing what is the right step, the wrong one, the right place to put your trust and love, the right gods to worship, the right person to give your vulnerability to...all of it,

it's about faith. and softness...being willing to see intentions and character rather than solely an action that you disapprove of or disagree with, being willing to see intentions instead of solely your past and your perceptions...

A Successive Series of Acts of Faith. that's all.

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i've got a red hot heart/if the talk is true his is the same/we should be together/let our passions fan loves flame

i've a got a red hot heart/say there's fire down below/say it's only smoke and ashes baby...

sometimes a person can show you something amazing when you're standing of the middle of what you think is you being broken by your decision to let go and let love...

sometimes, you have to stand and look when someone is showing you what you maybe never would have learned otherwise about their character.

sometimes, even though in this life it is hard to imagine based on experience, sometimes people man the fuck up and own their mistakes and then stand there and tell you that you are worth fixing their mistake for - sometimes, without any kind of asking, someone will want so desperately to correct what they have done to you that they will say the most articulate, intelligent and genuine things about something so much deeper than just this situation without even realizing that they are.

so - those of you in the know.

there was/is a this thing...and you know me enough to know that for me, this was a dead end sign. already. and all of the signs were pointing to something deeper and more amazing than i ever imagined possible in my life.

and so, i was genuinely feeling the beginning of a heartbreak, and sincerely questioning the gods. b/c why? i mean, seriously, why? after all of the shit that i have lived in the past two years, this too. aaaaagggggghhhhh.

but, i talked to my therapist last night via email (she loves me even when she's in Pakistan!!) and i talked to a very trusted older confidante, who has managed to build a successful and loving ten year relationship with someone that he respects and trusts, which we all know is so rare, and i didn't let the anger come in.

i let me hurt, but i did not allow the mad. and i took the advice of the people that i trust. and so, today i searched for the truth...

and i believe that i have found it. i believe that it is possible to make a mistake that you don't know how to fix for the right reasons. i believe that i have made the same kind of mistake. and, i believe that so much of it comes down to intent.

i believe that what was there was genuine and amazing and possibly this is part of the plan, to teach us about ourselves and each other and how we handle the difficulties that are always going to present themselves.

i know that on a planet of billions of people, the term soul mate is disgusting...i've always hated that term. but, i also believe that sometimes the gods give us exactly what we deserve and are asking for, and that can make you feel like using words like soul mate.

because it's delicious and wonderful and you feel like you have to use words different from the ordinary to express how magical you feel. and you know that it hurts to live honestly, but you've found this place where it feels safe to do so. and you reconcile that the risk is inherent - it is hard to let go and fall completely because what if it ends? what if something happens and it hurts? no one wants to be more vulnerable to hurt than we are already just by being, but does that mean that you push away the things and people that you find ...just so that there is no risk of losing it??

yes. for some people. yes for all of us at some time maybe. yes for me not very long ago. i was content to stay in something that was providing me absolutely nothing that i truly wanted or needed for true happiness, and that was actually harming me, because there was no risk there. i knew that i wasn't going to get any of the magic, which made me not susceptible to the risk of it being ripped from me and me feeling that pain. that searing pain.

i have known the freedom of that kind of love and the searing pain of it being changed in my life. i have known the pain of feeling a year later like, 'if he thinks of me, if he misses me even once in a while, then i'll go back there and fill that place in his life. if he dreams of me like i dream of him, then i'll go back.'

i know the warmth of feeling like you can feel the beating of someone's heart, walking around every day feeling their warmth and their smell even when they are thousands of miles away. that feeling of pleasure that even longing for them brings. and then the immeasurable pain when all that that was is represented by a hollow space in you, the actual physical pain that their absence provides.

and you spend so much time thinking about how all that you ever wanted was for their arms to be the place where all of your journeys ended. and wondering if they're holding a place for you in their heart like you are them in yours.


but anyway - in him, i felt that my prayers had been answered. i had been asking the universe to provide me what i felt that i deserved. i named everything that i wanted, needed, hoped for...i put it out there like my psychic and spiritual advisor told me to do. and then i kept hope alive. initially, that it was going to come from where i wanted it to even though my psychic told me that he was pretty sure that it wasn't, that that was a lost cause. and so finally, i changed my prayer to 'i'm ready for what i want from where you are ready to provide it', instead of 'i want him to _________________', because i am ready.

i didn't expect it to be that soon or that instantaneous. i didn't expect it to be a birthday present, lol. but when i stood up to meet him and shake his hand and we were standing there looking into each other's eyes and shaking hands and him telling me how beautiful i was and how he was so happy that i had let him come to my party b/c he had been wanting to meet me for so long and us just standing there all mesmerized and shit until Angela had to finally say something about sitting down (lol!), i was taken aback by the pull. that was something that has never happened to me before.

and as the night progressed and there were so many others vying for my attention (that night was bizarro, i got told that i looked beautiful and asked out several times, and a perfect stranger sent over a drink and told me happy birthday b/c he had asked my friend who i was and what the occasion was when she went to the restroom b/c he thought that i was 'superbly beautiful'), i kept finding myself being pulled back to his eyes. and smiling that smile that i know that i give when i'm locked onto something that i want to pull closer to me. i'm not slick! lol.

anyway, at the end of the night, he offered to give me a ride rather than me take a cab home, and i accepted. and as i was wrapping up and saying goodbye, he collected all of my things and as i came to join him, he held out my coat for me and then as i buttoned it, he wrapped me in my pashmina.

now - i have to tell you that everyone is always shocked about this, but i am huge about gentlemanly tendencies. like, if a man doesn't open the door for me, there is no second date. i notice shit like if he doesn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, if he starts to eat before me, if he grabs and holds open my coat, guides me with his hand on the small of my back if i have to walk in front of him, these are things that i was raised by my grandma to believe were the only acceptable way to be treated. and yes, it's old school and i've accepted less, but the older and more deserving i get, the more i know that i *won't* accept less.
because i am the woman who deserves it. to the man that i want it from. from day one.

so, this coat thing is something that i've watched my uncle do for my aunt my whole life...and there's always just been something really intimate and *shiver* about it...in the way they look at each other & their bodies react when she would turn around and face him as she put it on...that looking in their eyes on each other as he was doing this kind and completely extra thing for her. i don't know, but something about it kind of sums up what i want in a weird way.

and when he was holding it for me arm to arm, and then i turned to face him and he looked me in my eyes and wrapped my pashmina around me, something went 'uh oh'. b/c i probably knew that if that was for real, i could maybe fall.

so, when he expressed his interest in getting to know me more, i was really excited. and when we went to the museum and he said - 'well, let's see the photography exhibit first b/c i know that you are a photographer and that that is the one that you want to see.' snap. i was so excited - it's been so long since i've been treated like a woman whose desires were important, fuck it, like i've been treated like a woman at all. it's been so long since the person that i'm spending my time with has recognized it as an honor that i was doing so and treated me like he needed to deserve it!

and he would come up to me and give me attention and then walk away. and the more that we talked the more that we have in common, the more that we smiled and laughed, the more that it was clear that we were both feeling the same way...

and it continued. after the cookies. after the first few interactions. the points of time when things usually change - no, we were staying the same. and it was all happening so fast and so intensely b/c life was forcing that for us. when you start dating someone who faces a life-threatening surgery very early in your relationship, i think maybe it's hard on you too. maybe it forces you to think about this person as someone who may not be there - when we are used to taking people for granted - and you think about things you normally wouldn't about them. and DO you want them to not be there...b/c that's what not dating would be like? and if you decide that yes, you do want them there and there's the possibility that they may not be and not by choice, then you treat it with the utmost respect and care. b/c you want there to be no question in the universe of your intentions for this person and this thing that you find yourself in the middle of...

maybe? that is just my interpretation.

but, anyway! ~i was falling in love with this man. he treats me better than i ever imagined possible EVERY DAY. he is consistent. he is affectionate. he is caring. he is helpful. he is physically fit and attractive. he is strong. he is sexually interested & interesting. yes, these things are all almost equally important. and he is these things that i want.

and then BAM. something happened that threatened all of it, out of nowhere, when i wasn't feeling well. and this is my chance to practice what i have been learning. to look to the universe. to meditate and pray on it. to listen to my heart and follow what i 'feel' instead of what logic tells me. to take every single important thing into consideration rather than jump off of the launchpad of my previous experiences and hurt and make a decision that may ultimately not be the one that the universe had planned for me.

i can be the me that i have always been - but am i willing to keep living the life that i have always lived?
or, i can do something different and new - and hope for newness and continued greatness in my new life.

and so, i am following my heart. i am taking all of the information into consideration...i have spoken with my therapist and my friend who knows me and has my best interest at heart and i am taking a giant leap of faith and choosing love.

lol. this is so not me but i actually feel more content and at peace than i have been - especially in the past few days.
i am choosing comfort and affection and the pursuit of building something worth us. i am being the change that i want to see in my life.

i am putting my faith in him to be the man that he has asked me to let him be to me, and in so doing, i am saying that i too am letting him put his faith in me to be the person that he deserves in return. no bullshit. no half-effort. no using this thing to penalize him for the next thing.

i am at the top of the page of a new chapter in my life...

(to be continued)