it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods

in an instant, my mood goes from ok to horrible.
i cry. i pace. i become angry, unsettled, restless, confused, unable to cope with my life as is.

this happened at about 6 p.m. and hasn't stopped. i have taken and posted pics on Flickr.
i have paced. eaten soup. more soup. had tea. written. plannered. (like there's anything to write in my planner these days, really. i could write...wait.).

i want. i don't want. i push. i pull. i hurt. i ache. i hurt some more. i'm angsty. i reach for what i know. i reach for solid ground. i reach for familiar in all of this unknown, in all of this that i don't recognize. the breadth and textures of life...

it has taken my whole life and my whole existence to understand that i am one step away...

one step away...

reaching. reaching. reaching. one step away...

The Journey...by David Whyte

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, i listen to it over and over again and try to calm myself. I hear...how do you move the pivot of your existence away from the constant human experience of leaving and to the experience of arriving? Even slightly? How do you cultivate a daily experience of anticipation and meeting and conversation? How do you move the pivot of your identity away from trying to put it all together yourself, more towards the conversation itself? Away from the feeling of besiegement in life towards engaging creation in such a way that I realize that this is a place of revelation and healing?

That the healing is sometimes fierce, that the healing sometimes almost kills me. But, that the world somehow is constantly telling me that I belong to a much larger home than I can build for myself at any one time, than I can imagine at the moment. So, when I feel like I am constantly through going through these cycles of building a home only to be orphaned again, but that is b/c I need to make friends with the unknown. If I can't make friends with the unknown, life will always seem like it is an enemy.

I keep feeling like my foundation is being swept away, in the moments when my hormones rage. I keep forgetting to cultivate my friendship with the unknown. I keep forgetting about the healing quality of the unknown.

Life is a constant cycle of making a home in the world and being outted. Finishing the final touches, the comfort pieces, and the knock on the door that rousts me. Difficult transitions...the moments where I don't know how anything is made or done or anything anymore. Maybe it *is* when I'm willing to learn. Those moments. But, I feel like I have had more than my share of the difficult transition moments. More than a liftetime's worth.

...sometimes, everything has to be enscribed across the heavens, so i can find the one line already written inside of me
...sometimes, with the bones of the black stick left when the fire has gone out, someone has written something new in the ashes of my life
...i am not leaving, i am arriving.

sometimes, i am tired of carrying my mask. sometimes, i don't want to know the things i know - my responsibilities, the people who owe me things, the people to whom i owe things, the people who love me, the people who love me.

the world was made to be free in.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

when your eyes are tired, the world is tired also. when your vision is gone, no part of the world can find you.

...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you. ...sometimes, it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn that anything or anyone that does not bring you alive, is too small for you.

i am not beyond love. i am not leaving, i am arriving. the world was made to be free in. i should have a place in my day where i don't have to carry my mask around with me. it doesn't interest me if there is one god or many gods. i want to know if i belong or feel abandoned. if i can know despair or see it in others. if i am prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me. am i prepared to live day by day with the consequence of love & the bitter unwanted passion of my sure defeat.

i have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of god.

am i prepared to live in this world with its harsh need to change me? am i prepared to look back with firm eyes saying 'This Is Where I Stand?'

the world was made to be free in.