on the dark side of the moon & i have no coat

i don't know what to do about how i feel right now...

my hormone replacement isn't enough. my doctor wants to wait to increase it, give it some time and see if my body will catch up or adapt, because any increase in dosage is an increase in the risk of side effects and i'm the youngest person he's ever done this to.

i'm 30 and have to be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. this is major. so, they have to start slow. i get this. i truly do. but damn i feel like i'm drowning. like i'm all alone in this shit.

i don't know anyone who knows what this is like. i upset my roomie this morning and i didn't mean to, it's just that i was having these horrid dreams - i've been having them for four nights. and i couldn't pull myself out of it. and just like when i'm awake, i felt like i was falling into this dark hole - the abyss. and everything bad could possibly happen was going to. and i'm scared - terrified, but i don't know of what.

it's all darkness and hormones that are so much bigger and stronger than me. body chemistry that i can't control.

so, i call my grandma hoping for comfort and she tells me that 'you need to get on top of this, take control, stop it.'

stop it? uhm, i'm trying. i push myself to take walks and go for hikes and smile and laugh and make jokes. it's only been 3 weeks since this invasive, traumatic shit happened to my body. for real, stop it???

i am falling apart today.

this is the worst day that i have had since the surgery...if there are peaks and valleys, today is the lowest point in the valley that i have encounered. i have cried spots into my glasses. i have cried myself into a headache, a runny nose.

i don't understand how to make it better when it's something that i can't fix...there's no magic potion. it's body chemistry and hormones and it's not just something i can *decide* and it's better.

over and over, i try to just pick up the pieces and be focused on being positive. but today i don't have it. whatever i need, i don't have it.

today i want to throw things and today i want someone who understands and today i want everyone to shut the fuck up because they DON'T know what this feels like. they don't get it. i don't even get it.

i'm so sad. i'm so hurting. i just want my normal back. :(