there's this thread

my life is changing, pulling in, falling apart but at the same time, the gaps and seams are pulling together, if that makes any sense. all i know i that there's this thread.

a few times in the past few weeks i have been told by healers that i am going through what i am because i am going to be a healer, and i have to understand true suffering, true aloneness, to know how to handle it and relate to it with others.

last week, at the news stand, a man said to me, you're going through the chemo aren't you? my treatments aren't typical and people seldom recognize it so i was stunned but said yes and then listened to him tell me the story of his wife, the cancer survivor and then, the cancer victim. this strong, courageous, beautiful woman who never stopped being funny or strong. even dying she was funny and strong. and i stood on the street laughing and crying with this man, knowing what it was like for him to know that she wasn't really - that she was exhausted and that that hurt him to know, and that he needed someone else to know that and that he was so glad that he found me, so happy that he could shed his tears with me.
and i wondered if that was what being a healer was like.

tonight, i was standing on the bus and a man was standing to the side of me and he just kept staring. normally, i would be closed off to the world but i haven't been able to find my iPod so i've actually been having to participate and it's teaching me some things. anyway, i kept noticing him out of the corner of my eye just staring at me and finally i looked up and he had tears in his eyes and he said 'i'm not meaning to stare at you, you just have the most striking resemblance to someone who was very dear to me, it's shocking really, in profile. and in full face, really, except that you are thinner. but you are even making the same contemplative, pensive faces that she did at the....' 'well, i'm just shocked'

and i said ' no, it's okay, it happens in life' but then i felt that it wasn't enough. so i asked, was it your wife. ad he said 'yes' and so i asked how but before i even had the words out of my mouth i knew what the answer was going to be...i knew that cancer was going to be our thread. and so he told me the story of her diagnosis and her struggle and how beautiful she was, just like me, how the similarity was so much, and how they dreamed the cancer at the same time but neither realized the significance at the time, about how much of what we live we don't realize the importance of until it is too late because we're like the Christian warriors - it is only after too much war that we seek peace. and he spoke of religion and philosophy and seeking peace, he spoke of diet and health and love and how once your heart bursts open, it can be hurt again, but not like that so much because it's already burst.

and all that i kept saying is 'there's this thread'. and there is this thread...pushing and pulling my life together in all of these ways. something major is about to happen. all of these meetings and spiritual encounters they aren't accidents, none of this is coincidence.

my life is taking a new direction. my 30 - i'm open to it.