i fucking hate me right now.

i can't stop crying. i've been crying for more than four hours.

i'm so scared. i'm scared about getting another treatment tomorrow on top of the daily suppression that i've been on, which is making me crazy. i'm scared about my surgery that is coming up so soon.

but, who knows if it would be making me this crazy if i could eat. not eating is making me crazy. and constant mouth pain is making me crazy. and the amount of narcotics and antibiotics that i'm taking is making me crazy.

i am unstable. i'm behaving unacceptably, but i can't stop. i just can't stop. i can't stop crying or being like this. i'm terrified and it just keeps piling on.

it's like, for a second i thought that i could breathe, i got good news and i thought that i could breathe.

but then my surgeon started calling me all of the time and my jaw got infected and i started having to have extra surgeries and yesterday i had to have another emergency surgery and now i'm $3600 past the initial $5400 that i paid for dental work and my doctor needs $2300 tomorrow to give me my treatment and i have to have my treatment which is going to make me sick.

and i'm so hungry and my body is geeking out. my everything hurts. my head and eyes and mouth and joints and back and neck and muscles. i can't sleep. my eyes are red rimmed and now i'm consumed with the knowledge that i may not, most likely will not, be able to have orgasms after my surgery and i'm starting to think...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO THIS FOR??????? oh my god why did i do this? why did i fight and struggle and do this?

i flipped out on my grandma today. i flipped out on my sister. i pay their bills and they each made some comment and i just flipped out. i have a great job and work extra freelance work and as of now, i am officially struggling due to this medical shit. i cannot believe where i am. i look around at the terrain at this place that is the landscape of my life and i am so confused.

i am so confused. and angry. and i'm freaking out and lashing out. and today i did things that are atypical of the me that i've been for a long time. i said mean, hurtful, spiteful things. i hate that. i hate that me.

i love the people that i said those things to. i'm such a bitch. i've let this disease and these medicines win. i might as well have just gone to bed. the strength to get up and put on clothes and go sit at a desk is nothing if i'm acting like a jerk.

i feel horribly.