i don't have it in me for the phone lately.

honestly, i know that my voicemail is full. i've got 68 unreturned text messages. the voicemails are not checked. inbox is stockpiling and i've, honestly, no intention of getting to it right now.

i really just cannot deal with the prospect of saying the same thing countless times, answering the same questions, making the same explanations, hearing the same unspoken heaviness on the other end. truthfully, i'm tired. lately, i think the same things a lot...i think about how i don't want to go to the doctor/take these hormones/change these hormones, i think about how i want to hang out with someone who gets excited to see me, i think about how i want - maybe more close, i need - to get out of this lane that i'm in and travel, be elsewhere, experience newness again. i think about how i want someone to make me breakfast. i think about when i was sick the first time and things would fall apart...i think about how in that time i would start to lose it and break some, and he would come to me and grab me and hold me so tight. he would literally try to absorb what was happening, what was coursing through me, and would hold me so tight and so close until i was past anger, past frustration, past rage, past the bullshit of the moment, and had arrived safely at that moment. the one in which i was getting a hug and someone cared beyond the hug and maybe i didn't have forever, but i had those next few hours at least, so why not make them good? i think about how i want that again.

and a lot, i think about all of the deconstruction that has happened since then. how many times i have fallen apart and tried to put myself back together. how many times i have fallen apart from the effort. i think about all of the effort that it has taken to get here, and all of the effort that it takes not to let the effort show. i think that i probably shouldn't let myself fall apart anymore, because once you do that it just keeps happening. it's time to work on being strong now.

anyway...that was just a glimpse into me right now, because i know that i've been playing my cards pretty close to my chest for a minute.

if i were to call you back, or text you back, or check my email and reply, this is what i would say...
thank you. i hope that your holidays were/are great too. yes, i spoke to my doctor{s}. yes the biopsy results are back. i'm having two procedures back to back, one the first thing tomorrow morning and one the next day. yes, i'm slightly worried, but i've been starting/am starting new meds and am making promises to do what they want me to do at the beginning of the year. i'm going to be fine behind these procedures, it's just the mental heaviness of getting there...not literally, just figuratively getting to that point. like i said, i'm tired of doctors and clinical settings. i wish that the next part could start now. i'm ready for the next part.

so, i would apologize for the lack of contact, but right now i don't have a heartfelt apology in me. it's just been what it is, getting to these appointments and what is on the other side of them. soon, i'll be back. soon. be well.