admitting failure is hard. admitting that something that you're involved in is failing is such a challenge. especially when it's failing not because of low energy, but because no one is just taking it. there's tons of tug of war, plenty of offers and acceptance, but no one wants to forward the offers. or finally one will move to forward things and the other blocks. tug of war is exhausting. and all that i'm getting is tired.
it's a big world. a lot of struggle. a lot of hard, hard moments. i want to be on the same side as the people in my life, working to pull each other away from the bullshit together rather than the tug of war. i'm tired of only getting tired.
i'm totally ready to find the joy in my life. i think some things are sinking in. i'm starting to listen when i hear certainty inside myself again. it's been a long time of standing on this precipice...scared and fragile and hopeless. i'm ready for the next step. i think i finally know what it is. i think that i'm going to be okay, and then better than okay, very soon.
only one more procedure left this year!!! (and very soon, once again i can't sleep. last night was the same and a couple of nights before that :/)...but anyway, only one more!!! yay!!! then no more procedures in 2007! i'm so ready to say goodbye to this year!!
it's almost here...