the hammock diaries: on ampleness

there is this feeling of completeness, almost like nothing i've ever known, in lying in the hammock, basking in sunlight, trees, birds of many kinds in the feeders and bath singing like crazy and building homes, foraging food, for their families. my laptop, an apple, water, pops on the porch researching my tummy thing (a doctor in the house sure is handy), mom resting after taking me shopping and to lunch, my son on the computer caring for his webkinz and coming out to give me stats, my 'other son' out front playing trucks with the neighbor.

there is peace, stillness even amidst the activity, fullness, family. i am happier than i have ever been. even though it has been a long period of losses, i am happy with who i am becoming, with my strength in this transitional period. i am slowly peeling back the layers to find my true wants and what i'm willing to be and do to have them.

and i'm spending lots of time at flickr, enjoying the glimpses into other people's lives and vision of their daily activities, their perception of the moments that we take for granted. i think that what i love most about photography is that it is us acknowledging how special a lot of these moments we take for granted as a whole really are, how lucky we are - as well as the fact that our personality influences our perception of the shot. you can give 4 photogs a camera and have them shoot the same thing at the same time, and the pics will be different. i love that - that the different angles, views, etc, that can come from a moment.
a lot of people i know who take pics have been through some pretty traumatic stuff, and i wonder if that influences our desire to shoot the way we do, to really focus on these moments and encapsulate them, because we know how easy it is to not have it as an option...we've been so close to the end of it that we want to seek out the beauty in the mundane, the joy of the eccentric, the brightness and color and smiles that comprise this world. maybe?

anyway, i've been looking at pics from people in places i dream about, far away, south africa, maldives, europe...and the thing i notice is how they celebrate family and see beauty in things differently than here in the states. the women that they hold up as beautiful are ample, curvy, generous hips and breasts and thighs, not very much makeup, if any. and i love it. it's rare to see a painfully thin woman in their pages, the sharpness of hip bones sticking out, and i find these people beautiful. i think, so much because, they are so happy with who they are...you can see it in their faces and body language. mostly on their beaches they are topless, some nude, everyone comfortable...pregnant women with stretch marks and hairy armpits, curvy women with big hips and small waists, small breasts, short hair, gigantic breasts, no breasts, no hair...and everyone looks content. they are not focused on hiding themselves since birth, the puritanical fascination with denying our sexuality, the aren't striving to look like kate moss or reach a size 4 no matter how much pain it takes, how much it's not their natural size. they are them, free to be who they are on the beaches and at home. and that culture, that perception - there's something beautiful in it...in acknowledging the beauty of our physicality/sexuality, the beauty of the differences in our commonality, there is such a freedom. such a large space in the range to find where you are on the spectrum and the people who appreciate what you have to offer.

we let our physicality, what we see as our lack (even if it's the lack of excess, not being stick thin) dominate so much of our lives...not being comfortable enjoying the beauty of an amazing day on a clean beach and warm water because of stretch marks or excess weight, not wearing clothes we love, not being comfortable accepting love b/c we don't feel deserving and most of it stems from our dislike of our physical selves - 'i'm fat', 'i'm gross', 'i have stretch marks', 'i have scars', so many things that really tell our story and yet we see it as reasons we don't deserve what we want...comfort, love, freedom.

i'm so saddened by it yet struggling every day to delete this from my life, from my personality. my physical 'flaws' are the testament to what i've overcome and what i've contributed to this world. and i don't want to punish myself and deny myself because of these testaments of my strength, courgae and learning.

i am sad that as i learn to embrace the good and change what i can of the bad, there are people who see my claiming my positive attributes as being arrogant or selfish or other things. i am a kind and generous and good person, often times hurting myself to make the people that i care about feel good, better - and being kind to people that i encounter in the world. but, i focused on the negative for so long, and it did nothing but make me feel bad and change nothing. now, i say...i have worked hard to lose weight and be tone and most importantly, healthy and strong. i am strong. i have good skin. i have pretty hair. my stretch marks signify the healthy child that i gave the best of everything by enduring the pain of choosing a family better for him than i could be, my scars signify my strength and endurance and the diseases that i have not only beaten, but chosen to be bettered by rather than hindered by, my extra weight signifies my persistence rather than my laziness, as it used to be more and i have shed a small person from my body.

i am choosing to focus on and vocalize my positives rather than my negatives, am choosing to state my self-love rather than self deprecation. it is a sad society when people are okay with us denouncing ourselves and yet are uncomfortable if we state the reasons why we are good, why we love ourselves, our own bodies.

i am not arrogant, only awaking.this life is only going to be as good as i let it be.

and all that i'm trying to say is this - no one else can love us if we don't love ourselves first. how can we expect unconditional love and acceptance, forgiveness of our flaws, appreciation of our good, if we're not willing to accept those things from ourselves? how can you expect someone to show you appreciation and kindness and love when you deflect it all the time? answer statements of your beauty and compliments by listing your flaws? how can you expect someone to always the see the things that they love if you are constantly pointing out your flaws?

i've been there but i see it for the unhappy and desolate place it was and i'm not going back there. i am now striving to love me as much as i want the amazing people in my life to do so, to appreciate the results of the things i work hard to maintain, to be able to accept compliments and praise when they are sincere and deserved as well as constructive criticism in the same way. i want to project self love and self confidence and pass that to people that i meet and know...i want to be able to give myself compliments the same way that i do people in the street.

the only person who is ever going to truly suffer if i keep myself locked in a bubble of self loathing is me - others will move on, find happiness and perhaps miss me initially but eventually i will just be someone that they knew once. and i will carry the hurt of pushing away sincere love because i couldn't see my own value. i don't want to be that woman.

and so - i am strong, and kind and patient and loving and beautiful. i am a good person, a good friend, a good lover, a good girlfriend, a good mother, a good aunt, an awesome baker, a tireless worker and cleaner, a fun and funny buddy. an open minded person who is tolerant and encouraging of differences, happy for the success of my friends and family, willing to accept my lumps and admit my mistakes. i strive for betterment and will sacrifice to make the lives of people that i love better. i will take the smaller side, defer to the preferences of my loved ones and to their wants as well - as long as it is acknowledged, reciprocated and i do not feel put upon.

i am intelligent, a verociouos reader and great conversationalist. i try to be as broadly knowledgeable as possible so that i have things to contribute not only to social situations but to the world around me as well. i am helpful, friendly and generous with my time and forgiveness.

but most of all, i just want to be happy. to feel at peace. and i want that for everyone else too...and if we don't find happiness in the same way, if our journeys are different, i wish you all well on yours and hope that you reach your destination. take care of you!