on: love, life and family

i haven't talked about it *really* on here, because i've just been basking...but, i reconciled with one of the kindest people that i have ever known. a man who is kind, nurturing, generous, loving, appreciative, affectionate, intelligent and so many other things. he was great to me and i was fucked up and falling apart. i, while talking to my therapist, realized that i had made a mistake by pushing away and fearing what was probably the best and purest love that had ever been shown to me. and so, i decided to rectify that...

so, we're at now. he came to see me this weekend - took some time off from work so that we could have more than a few hours, and made the cross country trek to visit me in my place of healing.

everyone adored him. two people that i love very, very much were celebrating their 22nd wedding anniversary & her birthday. and so, as our gift to them, we kept their kids for a long time and let them have time away for some friend time, a romantic dinner, a drive and some time on the beach at night, and then a morning sunrise on the beach as well. it's strange, how well this situation works for us & how many other people either don't understand it or don't even acknowledge it as an important part of my life when i talk about it. there are those who question it, doubt it, are perplexed by it...and then those who choose to pretend that i didn't say anything at all when i speak on it...

but, the relationship that i have with my son and his family - his brother who is also my 'other son' (more on that later), his parents, and most of his extended family - is so amazing. and how incredible? that they would let me keep their kids, one of them my biological son that they adopted, while they go out to celebrate? but we understand and love each other, all of us, and they know that my love is pure, for all of them.

so, they went away, and my boyfriend and i kept the kids. it was so much fun. we took them to see Shrek 3, which was great! they got kid packs, which have nerd rope, popcorn and i got them slushies!! then, we played video games, and we took them to McDonalds for happy meals so that they could have the Shrek toy! we went a couple other places, then came home and changed and rode bikes to the swim club. so funny, it was cold in the evening b/c a storm front was coming, but they begged us to get in the pool and i finally did. they climbed all over me and we wrestled and raced. then, we mapped out a plan for coming home. we got home and undressed in the laundry room to keep things clean, then while i ordered us pizza, they all took showers and picked up the bathroom. i cleaned the kitchen and gathered up laundry. then, when the pizza came, we went all the way up to the 'secret' 3rd floor and had a picnic on the floor - pizza, sweet&saltys, milk - while watching Night at the Museum. i let them stay up late to finish the movie, then let them sleep in the same room in the bunk beds and kissed them to sleep!

then, my BF & i hung out in the gathering room and watched the office & grey's anatomy on the big(ish) screen until we were tired - and he gave me a foot massage with Arbonne Sole Pampering peppermint foot rub creme the entire time!!

it was unbelievable in so many days...then we got up early the next morning and went to the beach and played Team Awesome swimming in the high tide and dug in the sand and played and had fun in the sun. and during that time, i concluded the thoughts that i've been having lately with a firm decision...i *am* ready to have a family. to be a wife and a mom. i'm ready to settle down and make dinners and take care of the people that i love. i've been thinking it for some time and wasn't sure if my longing for it would translate to the willingness to make the commitment to do it.

but, i surprised myself by loving the challenge. and the kids here love me - not just the ones that are my 'family', but their friends, her friends small kids, the kids that i babysit. they love me. the get happy when i show up. their parents love me. i'm good at it, at the mommy aspect of it. i'm nurturing and fun and kind. i play with them, and instead of yelling or arguing, i try to speak logically to them. and it works.

and so, i talked to my boyfriend to ascertain whether he had been serious when he said that he knew that i was his one true love and that he wanted to plan a future with me and love me and be good to me. and he means it - he knows what it means to me and he means it. and so, i told him that i want a family. i want to move here or somewhere like here, somewhere clean and green, where the people are nice and friendly and it's safe. where there is water and clean air and parks and animals and private schools and low cost of living. and i want to foster and adopt. i'm ready for my own family.

and he wants it too. he wants us to be happy, he wants me to be happy and he wants to have a family with me. he loves me, all of me, and thinks that the strength that i have gained from my disease and battles makes me even more beautiful and does not begrudge me the barrenness that my disease and treatment caused...he is happy to adopt with me. he is so great.

we talked about so many big things and spend so much time in each other's eyes, and got to see each other in action as a 'parent'. he was so great with the boys and they absolutely loved him and argued over him, and he was enjoying watching me be a mommy - he would come over and kiss me and tell me how awesomely i handled certain situations. :)

and so - we're going to make a family. and i am so excited. i'm so glad that my therapist has been working with me about accepting love and being less rigid.

i am so happy for my future and for my right now. i am happier than i have been in forever and getting happier every day!!