i know a man who met a woman, can't remember where

big beautiful hips and dark brown hair. he was from the suburbs, she was from the wrong part of the wrong city...this was back when everything was still shitty.

two different worlds apart.

but the world is just a small town. we all know how people like to get down.

he told her to bring everything...

bring along your ethics and your issues and your taboos.

what he meant was...I'll take you any way that I can have you.

the player met a temptress, they made a perfect storm, called it love.

each one giving just enough to not be at risk.

each one holding back just enough to make the other know that they weren't really Loved. not the kind of Love that will keep you when you are ass-out, sick, exhausted, needy, worn thin.

they were loved...do not get it twisted. in the way that each of them could, they loved the other. but, there were always Positions to be Played, playa.

there is always a position to be played.

...i am exhausted from playing my position. Life is the ultimate player. and for so long, i have had to stay jockeying for my position. i'm so tired. of the games. the drama. the bullshit. the people who can only love you when you fit inside the box that they have created for you. the friendship that can only be if you are maintaining your role.

long ago, i took away the boxes. people are what they are. and ultimately, if we keep boundaries around their roles in our life, they will disappoint us. they will let us down. they will surprise us. they will make us feel that we never really knew them at all.

i have let people be what they are and tried to love them accordingly. i have stayed friends with people who have cheated on me, lied to me, hurt me, walked away the moment that i opened my arms and said 'i'm weak, can i lean here?'. i have turned aside to find the strength to smile when i turn back around, welcome them back, cook for them, joke with them, laugh with them, stay loving them...trying to overstand where their actions were coming from.

some people do not have it in them to be needed. some do not have it in them to be desired. some do not have it in them to be loved unconditionally. some people fear safety and run from it. some people stay fucking up a beautiful friendship. some people see someone who loves them defiantly as inferior. some people see kindness as weakness.

for so long, i have remained static. letting those whom i love leave and come back again. fill up at what seems to be the neverending trough of my admiration, friendship, love and 'thereness'. i have done my best to remain strong even while i was falling apart so that my 'friends' didn't have to hear about my pain, my fears, my weakness. i have let them tell me that i would be okay, because that is what was easiest for them...not because it is what i believe. i'm just too tired to do it any longer. i'm too tired to play my position. too tired to choose by default.

i'm going to do a few things. one, i'm just going to be fucking happy. i'm still here, so i'm going to start fucking living it. i'm not dead so fuck the shit that 'might' kill me. i missed smoking. i liked being a smoker. i'm smoking. fuck it. i'm not actively doing anything more than i am right now to push me closer to time in diapers. i'm going to start doing the fun shit again...having fun, being happy. playing hard. life is about having a good time for me now.

and i'm going to start being real again. just say what i think, do what i want to do - do Who i want to do, pursue pleasure and contentment. and i'm going to make ME happy. i want to be happy. too much of what i've been doing has been about other people being happy. fuck it. i'm going to make me happy now.

and i'm going to do some of the shit that i've been wanting to do but have been too wrapped up in my sickness to push myself to do. it's time to start living again. death is stalking me...i'm acting accordingly...i'm on the move. i said a lot of the things that i needed to say through the night last night, into the morning...both because they needed to be said, but also because i needed to hear them i think. giving them voice woke some things up in me (so thank you, for spending all those hours on the phone with me - when i'm on the East Coast in a few weeks, i owe you crab cakes!)...things that i knew but which i was sleeping on. i'm awake again.

i'm awake again. i do not want my life to be what happened while i waited for the moments that never came. i'm going out and getting my own moments. it's time.