hostility.

my life has been a circle surrounding vastness for so long now.

i have these points that i continually re-visit, a neverending track of getting back to where i have been countless times before, with the scenery in between changing only minutely. i'm so tired of it, bored with it, frustrated and hurt by it, but i don't really know what to do to jump-start something new/different.

i am working towards giving up desire...i feel like my desire for certain things and people is what is restraining me. the desire for him to want me. the desire to not have to think about hormones and the desire just to get 'there'. the desire to be balanced again. the desire to be willing to give someone who wants me a chance rather than holding out for someone who doesn't. the desire to not feel guilty about not being enough for so much and so many, no matter how good i am.

my days are endless blurs of the same scenes, the same conversations, the same arguments, the same doctors, medicines, pharmacies, phone calls, paperwork. neverending frustration that never goes away. and increasingly, hostility.

i am learning that when you love someone who doesn't love you back, and you stay in the situation expecting so much but accepting so little, choosing to have only a part of them in lieu of none of them, you become hostile. you become hostile at the situation, the secrets, the others, your own desire, and eventually at them. there's this always present loathing of yourself for even trying when you know already that nothing you do matters...you are simply not enough. there's this constant knowing that the day is going to come when you're dropped for the one who is good enough, which is going to be devastating when you have put in so much time & energy into this interaction. there's this pain that taints every soft/kind word, the unspoken "but ________" at the end which keeps you from enjoying them. and so, after so long of this, this undercurrent of hostility weaves itself into the fabric of your affection, and suddenly *you* are the major person that you're hostile with...and you're hostile when you care, hostile when you love, hostile when you reach out, hostile when you try, hostile when all of this goodness that you are is given to someone who is indifferent to the depth of your love.

there is only one thing worse than being mad at someone who is indifferent to your anger, and it's wanting someone who is indifferent to your desire.

lately, i'm so hostile. easily offended. easily angered. easily hurt. and all of these things lead to - hostility. aggression. the desire to learn the fine art of not giving a fuck. and i'm exhausted. from trying to accept something that hurts me. from trying to cope with the change in hormones, the trying to cope with pain and still live a fun life. i'm so fucking sick of this shit. of being tired, angry, sick, worried about being sick, hormonal, angsty, in love. i'm so over it. i hate being hostile. i hate feeling like this. :/