i am one of the dumbest people that i know.

i missed 8 doses of hormone medicine. i put myself in a place to be damaged and then act as if anyone else should care that it's happening.

i can't believe that i did that to myself, again. i have maybe 3 doses before things start spiraling out of control suddenly & out of nowhere. if i don't take care of me, there is no one else who will step up and attempt to do so. i know this and yet i continue to not take care of myself even in the ways that are the most important.

i missed days of hormone medicine. i didn't take my contacts out since wednesday. i got myself all worked up over something that is never going to be any different. again.

i get myself to a place of stability only to let myself come unhinged again.

irresponsible...longing for the days of carefree life that wasn't dictated by hormone replacement therapy and menopause, i try to live life like a normal 30 year old woman when i'm anything but. i'm not normal. i'm never going to be 'normal' again. gone are the days when i can be out and about without worrying about dosages of medication to keep me hormonally balanced, gone are the days when life had simplicity and ease.

i'm so tired of the compromises that i have had to make simply to stay alive. simply to still be here, i have had to turn my life over to the medical gods, to prescriptions and medications which alter me and injections and tests to make sure that the beast isn't back.

it isn't fair. i simply want to stand outside in the darkness and raise up my fists to the sky and scream at the gods. it isn't fair. it wasn't supposed to be like this. all of this hardship just to be. all of this up & down & all around simply to know that although i remain here, i don't relate here.

it's exhausting to have to reconcile who and what you are with who and what you want to be all of the fucking time.
it's more than too much to have to know that there isn't anyone who understands truly in your sphere.
it's more than i can tolerate...all of the effort that it takes to be me now and all of the effort that it takes not to let the effort show. and the moments when the effort is uncontainable, and i crash & burn.

i'm so exhausted by simply living the life that disease and hrt have left me with...always tired and yet never sleeping well. even in my dreams, doctors and cancer haunts me, even in my dreams i undergo medical procedures and talks of medicine and hormones.

i feel better and then go out and live my life and miss my meds and come crashing back down.

it isn't fair it isn't fair it isn't fair.

i'm so fucking over my life as it is.

and i wonder...is this as good as it gets?