maybe my moment's gone

i'm not the same person i seem to be.
all of this depresses me...

i won't listen.
i won't talk.
my life is weightless.
i mean a lot.
i mean a little.
i'm brittle.

maybe this *is* me.

i have to go back on the anti-depressants. i have to take the sleeping meds as prescribed. i have to, once again, be me under the influence of fucking pharmaceuticals.

because i am ill equipped. my body can't handle it. my head can't handle it. my heart. the trauma. the slow eeking of my stability that has occurred over the past few years. the see-saw of illness & my battle to claim health. the financial burden of a long-term illness. of chronic pain.

so, i keep thinking that this isn't me. and i want to find the me that i was before. but maybe this is me.
maybe i am depressed and anxious.

i'm taught by experience and therefore worse, i know that much. just a fucking version of the truth of me.
and everyone wants a piece of me...energy, pills, advice, help, conversation. and i don't feel like i have anything to give. not even to myself.
maybe my moment's gone.

i need an escape. a way out of my head. i am not equipped to deal with life & the people in it. i am not equipped to deal with being responsible for the how my actions affect others on a daily level because in a large sense, i really don't give a fuck. not about them, per se, but just about all of it. life. the things that are happening outside my mind that is racing and my heart that is pounding and my pelvic floor that is still having pain.

i am not equipped to deal with people who can only see me in relation to them. who cannot even try to step out of the box that 'we' are in and try to see or imagine the depths of where i am, the mental anguish that brings me to a place where i would say that i cannot reign in control. that i must cry. that i must seek aloneness and healing. that i want to be left alone.

i need to take time to catch my breath and choose my moment. i'm sliding. i think my pain belongs to me but forget that it's happened to so many before me. i'm sliding. i forget to remember that i'm only human, it's okay to make mistakes and not have it all figured out. i'm sliding.

i am trying to be a good girl and give everyone what they want, but i got nothing.

...sometimes, you have to let go, close your eyes & let it crash.
lonely isn't a strong enough adjective...
words are my enemy now.

I lack the necessary tools to help me get right. I can't poke a hole in my chest and pull my heart through, and though there are some that would take me any way that they could have me, I don't want to have someone take their place as my temporary savior. I bring along everything - my ethics and my issues and my taboos. i'm heavy now.