this just in...

i am in love with Michelle Malkin and Donny Deutsch is a Douche - http://gawker.com/news/lies-well-disguised/lies-well-disguised-donny-deutschs-makeover-252875.php

anyway, here's the thing. i've been holed up. thinking. thinking thinking meditating praying thinking.

changes are happening. big. structure & restructure. the building up of me is coming in the form of the tearing down of me.

i have officially lost everything. been humbled, brought down to zero.

but this is not the end of me, it is only the beginning of my story.

a new story.

as my roommate has reminded me, i would be homeless if it weren't for her. i am, almost literally, penniless. i await the decision (lengthy bureaucratic bs) of state and federal agencies regarding disability. it will be retroactive, but still...

in the meantime, i cannot work. physically & mentally, i am not capable anyway. i have done what i can and given the rest to the universe. i have heard the positive words and the negative words regarding my current status. i have absorbed advice that i neither asked for nor was in the position to take. i have reached the point of realization regarding many things, the primary one being that i do not have to feel guilty for where i am emotionally/physically/mentally.

i'm doing the best that i can - everything that the doctors tell me. taking all my meds. going to my sessions. exercising. but, i am also very recently post-major surgeries, recovering from a year of hardcore physical illness & major trauma of the surgeries. and, i'm menopausal, depressed, anxious.

this is me. i'm broke. and sometimes i feel broken. but, i'm not worthless. sometimes, some people in my life imply that other people in my life do the very nice things that they do for me for reasons other than that they care about me. and this makes me feel that they are implying that i'm not worth it, somehow. that i'm not the kind of person who warrants that kind of attention or affection or kindness, but that people who have something to prove are using me to prove it. that implication angers me, because i do not feel that i am beyond love. i feel very much worthy of love.

because we are all flawed. we are all on the edge of something. we are all damaged goods in some way. but at least i am owning up to mine, seeking a path to betterment all the way around. not just for the acute, immediate issue. but for the deeper issues as well. and i strive to be a good person, a kind person.

there is no such thing as perfection, therefore i do not strive for non-mistake making me. i want to be known as the me who will own her mistakes. who will apologize & do what is possible to fix them. i want to be honest. i want to be a better person. i want to only be a benefit to the lives that i am a part of and not a detriment.

the thing about other people in your life is this: Nice is overrated. everyone talks about how they are looking for a nice guy. but, anyone can be nice. nice is easy. I like considerate. Considerate shows effort. Considerate says: i know that you don't like being late so i will be on time, i know that you like comedies so i will see this movie with you, i know that you get up early for work so i will go to bed earlier, i know that you are sad so i will hug you, i know that you like cookies so i got you this...

Considerate says: I pay attention to the details and, because I care, contribute to them in small ways to show you that i want to be a positive force in your life, i want to be a source of reliability and happiness and contentment.

Anyone can be nice, few are truly considerate.

I have been fortunate in my life in that I have known some truly considerate people. and in the world of dating, i have also been fortunate to know considerate men. men whom i am still friends with because they made/make my life better. and i am lucky enough to have met one when i was about to go through what is, to date, the most trying time of my life.
my grandma says that i have a 'problem letting go of relationships', but i say that people come into our lives for a reason, and i can either see it for the positive & cherish that person for the good that they were/are in my life - or i can spend my time being a bitter, resentful woman who has poor relationships with men and negative viewpoints on previous relationships and creates negative new relationships because of it.

you will not catch me on the Men Ain't Shit train. it has never been my steez. and now, i believe that we create our own destiny in this life. so, if i bring my previous baggage about being cheated on or lied to or betrayed or whatever into a new something, and i expect that the same thing will happen, then eventually i will create that dynamic. eventually, he will live up (or down) to my expectations - even if only in my head.

so, i'm deciding to a) Love Me. flaws & all. scars, stretch marks, issues, ethics, taboos, history. i am worthy of love, especially from myself. and b) Bring Positive Expectations & try not to let past issues effect current situations.

somewhat like an addict, i am taking every single thing one day at a time. and i'm pursuing happiness, positivity and serenity. i am making the changes, pursuing the things & people that bring me contentment and smiles.

and, i'll take Consideration over Nice any day.

to everyone in my life who reads this and knows where i am and what's coming, the sun's gonna shine in a mile...

in a mile we'll be feeling fine...